Firstly I am really proud of myself for being almost 8 weeks sober. I have done it with the help of family and friend s and with pure determination to be a better mother to my kids.
I was a binged drinker which often lead to the use of drugs and engaging in risky, dangerous, shameful behaviour.
I just can’t forgive myself for the awful things I did. I never hurt anyone and didn’t drink around my DCs but I still feel so ashamed. I suffer from depression and anxiety anyway and it is eating me away, following me around like a dark cloud.
I don’t cry about it anymore but I feel sick in the pit of my stomach and wince whenever I think about what I have put everyone through. I know I can’t change the past and I’m doing all I can to live a life I’m proud of but the past is holding me back and I’m so upset that one day my children may find out about what I did and hate me for it.
I am also dealing with coming out of an abusive relationship which doesn’t help as I have no self esteem or confidence left (he was a major trigger for my drinking).
I want to know if it will get better? Will I ever be able to forgive myself and be happy with who I am? I just feel so down and depressed and don’t know what to do :-(
Well done. It is not easy but you've really turned things around. I would suggest asking for a referral for support with your mental health and seeking support with continuing to stay sober suchas AA. With the right supports, it will help you through the tough days. There is a 'dry' thread on MN where you will find others who are also on the road to recovery. Keep positive and don't let guilt drag you backwards.