I've been doing coke on and off for about 9 years, always been a high functioning, binge user - I can get through a few grams at a time but then won't usually have it again for another few weeks, or even a month.
A few times in the past I have got scared that my addiction is getting out of control, as use has escalated to fortnightly or weekly, but never daily, and then I have managed to stop out of the sheer fear of being out of control and feeling like the drug has too much of a hold on me.
I stopped last December for 3 months, and was determined not to let coke get the better of me, I made it through new year and my birthday with no coke and was proud of myself, my brain chemistry was beginning to recover and I was beginning to feel happy with life without the need for chemicals.
There were then a couple of parties with drug using friends (who do not live in the same city as me, fortunately) and I made a conscious choice to use recreationally for these, however since then my use at home has escalated back to almost weekly now, and again I am beginning to feel like I'm in too deep and need to stop. My partner joins in when I use at home, but he's never had a problem and can take it or leave it.. I'm the one with the problem.
Last night I had an uncontrollable urge to go pick up, even though we were taking our children out to a theme park today and I really didn't want to go get high. And when I'd finished the stash I nearly went out and got some more at 3 am, knowing this would write off the day out and the theme park and how much this would disappoint the kids, but I felt like I was utterly compelled to do so.
Luckily I took so long to get myself ready to go out the house and then forgot my phone with the dealer's number on, so went back and by then the urge had passed... but it was a close call and I feel horribly ashamed and scared that it took over this way and nearly made me mess up the kids weekend.
I guess I feel like I've been doing it for 9 years and it's never got to the point where I've felt completely lost to the addiction - I always seem to pull back when I think the drug is taking over. However there's no guarantee that will always be the case and I already feel it's taken over to a certain extent and I know need to put effort in to stay away from it.
I would like nothing more than to stop completely, for good and be like a normal mum who doesn't have this thing in her life. Last time I stopped, I was surprised in that I didn't miss coke and didn't really get cravings to go and pick up, but the trigger was the party with drug using friends.. and then within a short time I'm back where I started.
3 times now in the past 2 years I have got scared, managed to stop for a few months then started using recreationally again and its picked up from there. So it's stop-start-stop-start with me. How to break the cycle? I won't be able to not use with the drug using friends so I feel like I either need to manage occasional use, or give up the friendships and one of them is my best friend and known her a long time.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.
Addiction support
Coke - keep stopping but always go back
9 replies
shouldaknownbetter · 08/07/2017 18:12
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.