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Coke - keep stopping but always go back

(10 Posts)
shouldaknownbetter Sat 08-Jul-17 18:12:45

I've been doing coke on and off for about 9 years, always been a high functioning, binge user - I can get through a few grams at a time but then won't usually have it again for another few weeks, or even a month.

A few times in the past I have got scared that my addiction is getting out of control, as use has escalated to fortnightly or weekly, but never daily, and then I have managed to stop out of the sheer fear of being out of control and feeling like the drug has too much of a hold on me.

I stopped last December for 3 months, and was determined not to let coke get the better of me, I made it through new year and my birthday with no coke and was proud of myself, my brain chemistry was beginning to recover and I was beginning to feel happy with life without the need for chemicals.

There were then a couple of parties with drug using friends (who do not live in the same city as me, fortunately) and I made a conscious choice to use recreationally for these, however since then my use at home has escalated back to almost weekly now, and again I am beginning to feel like I'm in too deep and need to stop. My partner joins in when I use at home, but he's never had a problem and can take it or leave it.. I'm the one with the problem.

Last night I had an uncontrollable urge to go pick up, even though we were taking our children out to a theme park today and I really didn't want to go get high. And when I'd finished the stash I nearly went out and got some more at 3 am, knowing this would write off the day out and the theme park and how much this would disappoint the kids, but I felt like I was utterly compelled to do so.

Luckily I took so long to get myself ready to go out the house and then forgot my phone with the dealer's number on, so went back and by then the urge had passed... but it was a close call and I feel horribly ashamed and scared that it took over this way and nearly made me mess up the kids weekend.

I guess I feel like I've been doing it for 9 years and it's never got to the point where I've felt completely lost to the addiction - I always seem to pull back when I think the drug is taking over. However there's no guarantee that will always be the case and I already feel it's taken over to a certain extent and I know need to put effort in to stay away from it.

I would like nothing more than to stop completely, for good and be like a normal mum who doesn't have this thing in her life. Last time I stopped, I was surprised in that I didn't miss coke and didn't really get cravings to go and pick up, but the trigger was the party with drug using friends.. and then within a short time I'm back where I started.

3 times now in the past 2 years I have got scared, managed to stop for a few months then started using recreationally again and its picked up from there. So it's stop-start-stop-start with me. How to break the cycle? I won't be able to not use with the drug using friends so I feel like I either need to manage occasional use, or give up the friendships and one of them is my best friend and known her a long time.

DonkeyOaty Sat 08-Jul-17 18:16:01

Would your best friend drop you if you said no more for me ever?

shouldaknownbetter Sat 08-Jul-17 18:18:19

No, but I would find it too hard to be around her and not use! We've always used drugs a lot together.. if I was with her and her other druggy friends and they were all using in front of me I'd cave in 5 seconds.

weffles Sat 12-Aug-17 07:54:04

I think you need support with this- you can self refer to your local addiction agency. They will give you strategies for relapse prevention and exploring your triggers etc. How old are your kids? I'm afraid you need to stop using otherwise social services may get involved. You also need to stop seeing your friends that use. The temptation will be impossible to resist.

shouldaknownbetter Mon 04-Sep-17 17:53:05

Well, after another painful and out of control binge I have deleted and blocked my dealer's number, and I don't know anyone else in my city who knows him or even uses, so I won't physically be able to get hold of any here. He does tend to change his number every few months, not thick these dealers are they, but has only just changed it recently so that won't be for a while and I'll just have to be strong then and delete/block it again. Hopefully I'll have built up some recovery by then and the thought of going backwards will put me off.

I'm going to start SMART meetings and have bought the handbook.

Coke is a strange drug the way it rewires your brain to always seek it out. I can wake up in the morning and 100% not want it or think of any reason why it would be a good reason to pick up, but a few hours later I will get that voice saying 'you could pick up, why not pick up' and i can resist it for a few days or even a few weeks if I really try, but eventually it gets its way. Total devil on my shoulder. So I am cutting it off at the source.

I know I will probably have to ditch the party friends in the other city, but one step at a time eh. Deleting the number has been a massive step as anyone who's been here will know, and I have always been reluctant to get rid of it completely in the past. I feel relieved I've done it though, I'm not regretting it!

It's definitely a roadblock that will help, but I know it's not 100% foolproof and I need to do some mental recovery work. I truly am sick of coke now, a blight on my life and I just want to have a normal, drug free life now.

EngTech Mon 04-Sep-17 18:03:50

The only person that can sort this out really is you.

Help is out there but it still boils down to the individual wanting to change direction.

If you do some research and see the number of addicts who thought they knew better. Sad fact is the Grim Reaper won every time

I have known friends who were in a similar position to you. Help was offered but they knew better.

Sad really as they had a promising future ahead of them

To your credit, you are doing something about the problem 👍

It will not be easy and only you can sort it with appropriate help

One step at a time as you said

shouldaknownbetter Thu 21-Sep-17 17:46:17

Well, I have not had any for 2 weeks now and unless i travel to London, can't get any. Deleting my dealer's number was hard, but the best thing I ever did as now that I can't physically get any the cravings have stopped. Coke cravings are very unusual.. mental rather than physical IME, like a nagging voice in your head saying to go pick up. Now that I know I can't get any, coke brain is no longer nagging me to pick up. Which is a relief.

As for the druggie friends, I have fallen out with my (former) best druggie friend, I went to see her a couple of weeks ago and due to the drink and drugs she ended up being a total tit, aggressive and then stomped off leaving me at my own at a music festival and we haven't spoken since. I'm thinking this is a fortuitous time to end the friendship seeing as it was only ever based around getting high together anyway. I told her of my attempts to quit/problems with addiction and to say she was under-supportive was an understatement. I guess she didn't want to lose her partner in crime/ co conspirator.

So - my advice to anyone wanting to quit this stuff is - cut all ties with dealers/using friends. May be harder for some, I'm lucky in that none of my friends in the city where I live use drugs or are connected to that scene.
Also - until you're ready for it, really ready for it - you won't quit. It has to be something on quite a deep level where you realise it's not worth it anymore.

MyBrilliantDisguise Thu 21-Sep-17 17:51:51

I think you're right (and very brave) to cut ties with all your friends who use drugs. It's obvious really that they will always drag you back into it. If they're unwilling to give it up, they won't want to be with a newly-clean you anyway.

You've been really strong to do what you've done. Congratulations.

shouldaknownbetter Thu 21-Sep-17 20:17:14

Thank you. What i need to do now though is replace the excitement I once got from the drugs world with excitement in real life things. My life feels empty and boring.. I know it's up to me to make it not be, it's a lot more hard work to go out and do real things than to just take a drug, but that's the cheat's way and gets you nowhere in the long term.

Lisawoodhouse Thu 28-Sep-17 08:52:48

My husband was addicted to Tramadol a prescription painkiller, he hated himself for it so quit cold turkey on and off over the space of 2 years, which made him really hard to live with because of the withdrawal side effects, last October he quit completely. Since then we have moved house closer to my parents about an hour away from where we were living but my husband has had to start his business up again from scratch, the stress of this is apparently the reason why he has relapsed on tramadol twice, then replaced tramadol with a co codamol addiction and has now confessed he's been snorting coke. We can't pay the bills and I want to leave with my 2 year old son, will I get social housing even though I still half own our house?

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