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Coke, shame, and very fast cleaning..

(11 Posts)
coldhandswarmheart88 Wed 15-Feb-17 21:05:39

Hi there
I'm not sure why I'm posting- wether I need advice, a pep talk, a listening ear or just to write a muddle down in some order...

I'm addicted to cocaine, I admit it. I can go weeks and weeks without touching it, and feel proud, on top of life. I'm not sure what upsets the balance, but I've noticed that it's either I'm extremely happy, or extremely sad when I'm tempted to reach for it.

When u give in, I would say I have about 5 days when I have between half a gram (£50) and a gram (£80) a day, and then somehow I stop and quick as I started it.

It's weird because it's not like I pictured addiction whereby you have more and more and don't stop- I find stopping easy, and do so for about a month before my next 5 day 'episode'

I know many people are going to say ring a helpline, but I just can't do it. I want, if any advice, some ideas of how I can manage better. During my 5 day binges.,,,

- I sleep about 2 hours a night
- I have so much energy
- I clean my house so much
- have energy for everything
- have chest pain that worries me
- I don't feel lonely, I feel happy.

I'm a single mother without a support network, don't really socialise, but I run my own furniture business from home, which I enjoy focussing on.

What's wrong with me?

Izzy24 Thu 16-Feb-17 09:59:15

I don't think there's anything wrong with you.

You've identified something in your life that bothers you. Perhaps a more useful question to ask yourself is whether you want to stop using?

That's not easy to answer because, as you know, you really like some aspects of using.

But when you do a benefit/risk analysis do you want to stop or carry on using?

If the answer is 'stop' you have already identified your trigger points.

You say it happens roughly monthly. Is it linked to your hormonal fluctuations? Maybe it's because you don't have anyone to share the highs or lows with (which might be exacerbated by your cycle) that is part of your picture?

Can you get involved in some stuff going on locally where you will mix with other adults? Groups, classes, courses, volunteering?

You don't want to use a helpline, which I get. Is there an NA group accessible to you? You may not want to do that either.

But, if you decide you want to stop, you also have to decide to take action.

Wishing you all the very very best OP.

coldhandswarmheart88 Thu 16-Feb-17 22:06:09

Hi there
Your post made me think very hard

I do want to stop, but I also feel like because I cut myself away from
Everyone, have no social life or supportive family, coke is that supportive buffer that cheers you up like a talk with a friend or a listening ear would.

It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm in my bedroom crying and feeling so alone, ashamed and ugly.

I'm so lost

wobblywonderwoman Thu 16-Feb-17 22:33:04

I know nothing about drugs bu t just want to wish you a happy birthday

sureitsgrand Thu 16-Feb-17 22:39:09

Happy birthday for tomorrow. I have no words of wisdom regarding addiction but please don't be ashamed. The fact you have posted, and what you wrote shows alot of insight. Life is hard sometimes and no one is perfect.

HappenstanceMarmite Thu 16-Feb-17 22:52:57

How do you function and cope following one of these binges? Are you able to work etc? Do you not crash badly and need to sleep and eat in large measure?

coldhandswarmheart88 Thu 16-Feb-17 23:11:54

I do t even know how I function. I haven't eaten for 6 days, but my house is immaculate, children perfectly cared for etc & more..

Really have no answer to that

lanabythebeach Thu 16-Feb-17 23:23:44

You say you don't want to call a helpline but the only way you're going to end this cycle is by seeking help.

You find it easy to stop because you know that it's still available to you in a few weeks time when you fancy it again. Stopping altogether and knowing you can't have it anymore is what you'll struggle with and this is why you need help.

Just posting here is a huge step. Save your health and get some professional help before things get really bad.

NewPantsforaNewYear Thu 16-Feb-17 23:27:05

Just letting you know that there is an ongoing support thread here

flatwhite45 Fri 17-Feb-17 08:22:06

Cold please do come and join us on the thread suggested. We are a bunch of mums struggling to various degrees with cocaine. You would receive a warm welcome...

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Fri 17-Feb-17 10:07:01

Yes do join us on the support thread, coldhands. You are not alone.

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