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DH is addicted to cocaine

(48 Posts)
feelingexhausted Sun 04-Dec-16 21:26:04

Been with DH for 20 years. 2 DC aged 15 & 12.

He's always been a bit of a difficult character & has quite a few issues. Can be rather controlling but in total denial about this.

I'm not sure when he started to take coke but I found out by accident almost a year ago. I had thought prior to this that he might have been bi-polar due to his mood swings & paranoia.

Anyway, for several years his behaviour has been terrible - accusing me of having secret bank accounts, putting tracking devices on his phone/car, having a secret phone & having affairs behind his back. All of which were untrue.

Since, I confronted him last year (I found his stash) he has 'moderated' his behaviour but it still isn't 'normal'. He is very evasive about his whereabouts & gets cross if he feels he is being questioned & he is paranoid about security settings on his phone & has recently changed the code on his phone & disabled any app which can track him. He still sleeps all the time (sleeps in a separate room although comes into our room in the early hours - says I disturb his sleep pattern), goes to bed at 8pm to 'unwind', has problems with bloodshot red eyes & runny nose. He said it was my fault that he turned to drugs.

He takes roughly £500 out of his account every 3/4 days- some of which I assume goes on drugs.

He admitted to the bare minimum (i have found out about other stuff independently) & denies he takes drugs anymore. I don't believe him but don't know how to help or resolve the situation. It's like a big white elephant in the room.

I don't know what I am asking really. I know things aren't but how can it be sorted when he won't talk about it.

Grateful to hear from anyone who has been through this.

Shurelyshomemistake Sun 04-Dec-16 21:30:18

I haven't been through it but I think the only way is for you to show you mean business. Leave him while he goes to rehab, or make it clear you will leave him if he doesn't seek professional help immediately. It is really really bad that he has coke in the house with two teenagers around. £900 per week is a pretty serious habit.

Userblahblahblahb Sun 04-Dec-16 21:30:43

All of that £500 and more is going on drugs.

He's probably using everyday

You don't disturb his sleep, he's more than likely having a quick bump before bed and/or using sleepers to fall asleep

None of this is your fault. He is an adult with a drug problem. Cocaine is the love of his life.

I don't say this often but leave. He won't stop until he wants to. Or until he has a heart attack and drops down dead. Or does from some disgusting nose/threat sepsis. The same thing that killed one of my friends. A mother of 2 children.

I know coke heads. Leave whilst you still have a house over you're head.

SleepFreeZone Sun 04-Dec-16 21:31:05

Can you afford his drug addiction? Taking out £500 every few days seems an unsustainable amount surely? Personally I'd divorce him but I know it's easy for me to say that when it's not my life.

Userblahblahblahb Sun 04-Dec-16 21:32:49

Dies from some nose/throat thing.

Her nose was falling apart and she was still sniffing. Even ill with a rampant infection. Still sniffing. Her husband found her dead in her bed. He thought she was "just" a weekend user.

Userblahblahblahb Sun 04-Dec-16 21:34:04

OP please believe me. I know coke addiction like the back of my hand.

Leave. Let him sort his life out if he wants to. But don't put yours in the firing line.

FriendofBill Sun 04-Dec-16 21:34:21

feelingexhausted Sun 04-Dec-16 21:36:39

We both work & I am financially independent so it hasn't directly affected me as such (yet).

It's just living like this that is so 'not normal' yet I have normalised the situation by detaching from him mentally to a degree.

I realise that he is in denial & it doesn't that a lot of the people he hangs out with would appear to do the same too.

It's so sad but I know that ultimately I will have to leave him for him to even register there is a problem.

PenguinsandPebbles Sun 04-Dec-16 21:39:25

at £500 every couple of days it is at least £6,000 a month he is putting up his nose.

He will not stop until he wants too. Nothing you say will stop him as he loves it more than you, he is blaming you for him doing this.

It is not going to end well for you all the time he is doing this, I'm not a fan of the LTB comments but this is going to destroy your life it is going to destroy your children's lives, it already is.

I think you have to leave.

OohhThatsMe Sun 04-Dec-16 21:39:35

The quicker you leave the better, really. He's going to bankrupt you both and harm himself if he keeps going. You need to get the children away from him, too. This is completely unsustainable.

He sounds bloody awful anyway, even without the coke. He's treated you really badly for years and years.

Userblahblahblahb Sun 04-Dec-16 21:41:44

Yes within a coke friendship group they all normalise the behaviour so they don't have to face up to their drug problems

It's just a bit of coke. Everyone does it. It's only on x,y,z days. It's all bullshit obviously.

BastardGoDarkly Sun 04-Dec-16 21:42:47

He sounds like an arsehole. Leave him.

feelingexhausted Sun 04-Dec-16 21:47:55

One of my concerns is the tight relationship that he has with our son (who doesn't know about the drugs). I am afraid that he will put him under undue pressure to live with him if I instigate a split. I understand that he is at an age where he can make a choice as to who he lives with.

OohhThatsMe Sun 04-Dec-16 21:49:13

Well, you can't let that happen. You need to talk to your son, but the LAST thing you want is your son thinking he can come to the rescue and save his dad from himself.

Userblahblahblahb Sun 04-Dec-16 21:49:59

Well you're his mother and at 15 he doesn't get to live with a coke head. End of story

feelingexhausted Sun 04-Dec-16 21:53:03

Thanks for your comments so far. It helps. It's so sad that our relationship has come to this.

OohhThatsMe Sun 04-Dec-16 21:53:34

And to be honest, if your husband suggested it, I would tell him that I'd be calling the police on him.

BELLAARA Sun 04-Dec-16 21:55:09

It seems a lot of people on this site have the default response of "leave him" to any challenging situation. Would offering a suggestion to try and seek formal help for OPs DH, not be a more tempered response?

OohhThatsMe Sun 04-Dec-16 21:57:46

No, Bellaara. Look at what the OP's said about the way he's treated her. That's why she should leave him.

Wolfiefan Sun 04-Dec-16 22:01:42

One person can't seek help to cure another of an addiction they have no intention of fighting.
OP he needs to leave. You need to document (privately) evidence to support your case should he try for custody.

MrsLouisTomlinson Sun 04-Dec-16 22:02:00

You can't help an addict who doesn't want to help themselves. End of. Suffice to say I've been there. The only thing that helped was letting my addict come to the conclusion that he needed to grow the fuck up and sort his life out. There wasn't anything else I could do for him. And believe me I tried. In the end he had to do it for himself. We're one of the very few happy endings but it was absolutely nothing I did that ensured it.

feelingexhausted Sun 04-Dec-16 22:03:17

And the irony is that he wants to know my every move. I am fortunate to have good supportive friends. But he wants to know who I am with when I go out, where I am going & what time I will be back. He has, on the odd occasion, turned up when I am out. This frustrates the hell out of me.

MazDazzle Sun 04-Dec-16 22:03:51

You could give him an ultimatum: he admits his problem and checks in to rehab or you separate.

It doesn't sound like he will choose the first option I'm afraid.

NicknameUsed Sun 04-Dec-16 22:04:59

"Would offering a suggestion to try and seek formal help for OPs DH, not be a more tempered response?"

That won't work. He is an addict. Only he can help himself. No-one can do it for him.

OP - is the house in both of your names?

feelingexhausted Sun 04-Dec-16 22:05:18

How much does rehab cost & how long does it generally take? Is it residential?

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