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DH in Rehab but I dont want him to come home

(6 Posts)
helpmedotherightthingagain Wed 05-Oct-16 08:18:57

After a pretty awful couple of months (years?) DH has finally gone into rehab. He will be there for a month at least. I am so happy that he is finally sorting out his problem. The trouble is, things have been pretty horrible for me for a while now. I have learnt to detach from him and get on with my own life. I'm angry at him. I no longer want to live the life of an addicts wife. I want something better for my children too. The question is, how on earth to I tell him I don't want him to come home? He has a hard job of facing up to his addiction and staying clean and sober. I want to be supportive but not at the cost of my and my children's happiness. I feel trapped by his addictions and not wanting to mess up his recovery. But I cant live like this any more, can I?

Alohamora Wed 05-Oct-16 12:35:08

Hi OP I'm afraid I probably won't be much use but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I think I'd feel the same way as you, especially now that you've had a taste of what life could be without him and his addictions so closely untwined in your lives.

Roseformeplease Wed 05-Oct-16 12:37:54

Don't underestimate the toll it will have taken on your children too. I grew up with an alcoholic mother (thankfully, saved a bit by boarding school) and it was horrible. Nothing would get between her and a drink and I was, up until her death, less important than getting alcohol into her. I grew up desperate to be liked and loved and mistrusting of those who said they liked / loved me.

I think you would be doing the right thing for your children if you got him to live elsewhere, at least until he has things fully under control and you can make a decision.

userformallyknownasuser1475360 Mon 17-Oct-16 14:38:58

Hi roseformeplease, I thought I might airtime because I would be in a si,liar position to your husband, I am sober six weeks following my wife leaving, and they have been hard, since end of August I have been displaced from home, lost the thing that I used to get through difficult times (alcohol) as well as losing a lot of the normal contact I had with DS.

The other side of the coin is that I can get up in the morning hang over free, I am not a shit to live with (even though I live on my own at the minute) and I have large,y been able to furnish a house with the money I saved from not drinking.

Your husband will in rehab be doing a lot of thinking and soul searching and should be thinking about where the marriage went wrong and his part in causing it, I am not saying you have done anything wrong, but he is trying to fix a problem in the marriage now, I'm not saying that you should give him a second chance and welcome him back with open arms, but I don't think that it is a good idea to write the marriage off either, remember there is a reason that you fell in love with DH and got married in the first place, let him show that there has (or hasn't) been a change in his behaviour.

The hardest part about my split with my wife is the fact that she is shutting me out, I get why she is, I was hard to live with and she says that she doesn't want to go back to that, that there are no feelings left for me, this may be true and there are things I did when married I am not proud of, but in trying to get sober, and going back to people that I have harmed and trying to make amends I am trying to make up for the past, I will never be able to fix it complete,y but I am trying to make my life and the life of others better by resolving it.

I would think about telling your husband that it is over, but that you MIGHT reconsider if he keeps himself clean and there is a major shift in his thinking - there will be a major shift anyway when he follows a treatment programme to stop drugs and alcohol.

hesterton Mon 17-Oct-16 14:42:31

I disagree about giving him hope that if he stays clean you'd have him back - it opens you to all sorts of holds over you in the future.

I think you should tell him, while he is rehab with support on hand.

You have every right to split with him and you don't owe it to him to stay throughout this period.
Best of luck.I'm sure you deserve it. flowers

userformallyknownasuser1475360 Mon 17-Oct-16 14:44:26

I have also started a blog ref my addiction journey, I'm not sure if it will help but it may help give an idea of how us addicts think

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