Thanks for your support

[YoJesse]

Well done wonkylampshade your campaign worked

I'm sorry I didn't reply to yours and MrsTP s last posts. I just didn't want the thread to keep hanging around. You and so many posters have been amazing and so patient with me and my bullshit.

Not really sure there's anything new to post. Things are rumbling on, no big changes on the outside yet as (and I know I'm trotting out the same old line) things are still better than they used to be. However he is definitely smoking more weed and buy lots more stronger skunk like amnesia. First time I'd ever smoked it and shit it is strong! He's drinking about 1-2 bottles of wine a night which I know sounds like a lot but it doesn't affect him that much. Nothing harder than that though.
I don't know what I want to get from another thread but both times it's definitely started cracking through my wall of crap I've built up. Just for you to share what it was like with your ex is good because, although you sound like a much better and more together person than me I do see so many similarities between our situations.

If anything it's good to use our shiny new talk topic!!!

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I didn't see this until I was alerted.

It sounds as if he is escalating his drug and alcohol use. How is his behaviour?

[YoJesse]

Weirdly ok! Short fuse or out of action at night and in the morning but Otherwise he's ok. Really sweet stuff he's Doing like I was knackered after work today he let me go to sleep for a couple of hours despite having looked after ds all day. And he cooked for me tonight.
He used to drink a lot more. No coke or anything else. I know this as he's staying in with me.
I'm not kidding myself. I know this is just a temporary happy medium. It just takes something bad in his life to happen and things will get bad. His Dad is sick so I'm bracing myself.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Holding pattern. Nothing wrong with that as long as a holding pattern doesn't become your life.

[YoJesse]

Is a holding pattern a sort of ok, temporary existence? I tried googling it and all different things came up. Is it something we're in together ie Part of my enabling him?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Oh, I think you are neck deep in co-dependency and enabling. You desperately need to be out of the relationship, working on yourself and sorting out things for your child. That is not in doubt.

However I think you need to go through the process. Have a look at psychcentral.com/lib/stages-of-change/ and work out where you are. Holding pattern would be contemplation.

[YoJesse]

Yes I know. I really am working on myself now., I'll take a look at the link.
I'm going to my alanon meeting tonight and I'll try to discuss it if I'm feeling brave enough. I've pretty much just been silent so far but they don't seem to mind.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Good luck!

[wonkylampshade]

Hi Jesse! First time I've checked in to the new topic - good to see its already being used. I've been keeping an eye on your other thread for new posts and wondering how you're doing.

A couple of bottles of wine a night is a lot...and you do know he's buttering you up so he can normalise what he's doing; "look at me being a great capable dad, giving you a rest / cooking meals / doing some childcare". My ex did all this to try and gaslight me into believing we could have a family life while he was using. It's an illusion, so try and keep a grip on reality in your own mind.

How's AlAnon going? Do you feel it's helping you?

[YoJesse]

Hi yeah it's great it's already being used. It feels a bit safer posting here.
I so want to believe he's doing it because he's turned over a new leaf and has changed but what you've described sounds more likely doesn't it. Do these guys read a manual on how to get their partners hope up or something?! It sounds like everything my dh is doing has been played out before by your ex. It must seem so predictable to you but I fall for stuff like this without questioning it.

Alanon is ok but not sure if it's for me. I was reading through the link MrsTP sent me last night and it's a bit disheartening to recognise I'm only on the second part of the steps to change. Thought I'd come a bit further.
I'm definitely doing a bit better myself. Havn't received DAAT appt yet but reluctant to chase it up. I think I can sort my own bad habits and am a bit scared about professionals sharing information and it reflecting badly on our family.

[wonkylampshade]

I can understand your reticence and why you're saying AlAnon might not be for you...it's a group setting isn't it? Is DAAT through your local authority? I can appreciate the reluctance to engage with that too, if so.

What about Adfam? I think I suggested them to you in your other thread.

[YoJesse]

Yes its local authority and round here it's already a pretty stretched service. I remember looking up adfam but can't remember why I didn't access it. I'll look into it tonight.

[YoJesse]

Just getting a bit of advice please. Want to post somewhere with traffic about ds' speech therapy session today. Do you think everyone will have forgotten my user name? Don't want previous threads to derail this one. They think at three!!! He might have 'emotional issues ' and want him to have a kind of psych assessment as hearing and ASD have been ruled out. Needless to say I feel guilty as fuck and really tempted to self medicate.

[YoJesse]

Sorry if that doesn't make sense. By somehow with traffic I mean Aibu
Aibu. I talked about him not talking or responding to anyone except me.

[YoJesse]

Somewhere with traffic. Jeez! I'm really not high, typing on my phone which looks just as bad. Please don't read into the typos.

[wonkylampshade]

I would think chat, or one of the more specialised development topics might be better than aibu?

Poor wee guy, I know it's hard to accept but it's not a good environment for him - a very hard truth to face but he's at a vital stage in his childhood and you know this will be affecting his development and understanding of the world . I know you'll feel defensive about that statement but some of the things you posted in your last thread were just so sad - and having been in a home with a baby and drugs I do have a fairly blunt view that drug addicts by nature can't be genuinely good parents. They might be able to put in a good show for others, but at the heart of it the child is always suffering some form of neglect, whether that's physical, financial or emotional. And at three, your DS will be picking up on you and your DH's moods, irritability, and feeling that very particular volatile atmosphere when someone's needing topped up.

By definition an addict is not putting their child first.

How are you this morning?

I had a look at MrsTP's link and didn't think you should feel disheartened - I hope and believe you're on a course now where you're heading for change. Your mindset seemed to be changing in your last thread which can only be a positive thing. I do think you would get a lot out of some addiction counselling - I don't mean a sharing session, but one to one with a specialised drug and alcohol counsellor, maybe within a family support context.

[YoJesse]

I think you're right. Aibu can be brutal. I've posted recently on the speech therapy board but like most more specialist areas there isn't a lot of traffic.

I just felt a bit shit when the speech therapist suggested a referral to CAHMS (child mental health services). I don't know if she knows anything about dh's addictions but was speaking to her about ds not wanting to go to dh for anything and sometimes behaving like he actively dislikes him. (I wasn't being entirely truthful when I said ds would be devastated if we left dh). He doesn't want to be with his Daddy most of the time and if I say something like'oh Daddy can get you that or read you this' he will always go nooo Mummy do it! This came into speech therapy as I mentioned that ds will only respond to me speaking and will pretty much ignore everyone else's questions. I worry its because, he doesn't know what Daddy he's going to get IYSWIM.

I'm ok this morning. I didn't 'self medicate' in the end. I looked up ADFAM again and remembered why I didn't access it. There is literally nothing in my area! Which is odd seeing as I'm in a big city. DAAT is the only option I think.

[wonkylampshade]

What about giving them a call and asking if they can signpost you to something in your area that isn't local authority run, if you're worried about that?

So sad for your little boy - you know this situation he's in is actively damaging him and you're the only one who can do anything about that. You have to think hard about what kind of life you want for you and him.

[YoJesse]

I'm going to move back to my home town this year. I've decided I need to be nearer family. I think things will be better that way. This isn't just talk. I'm planning it. The idea was that dh would come too though... Maybe he'll sort it out if we are in a different environment. We live in an area currently where casual drinking and drug use is everywhere. People dealing in our local playground, drunks everywhere. I don't like going to our local shop in the evening as dh's weed dealer is always outside and trys to chat with my son as he recognises him!
Things could be different in a better environment.

[wonkylampshade]

It doesn't matter where you move to - if you're taking him with you your situation won't change. There are drugs and addicts everywhere and if you think removing him from temptation will help I honestly think you're deluding yourself. I do understand your thinking, as we (myself and xp) moved somewhere more rural, out of a big city, just before dd was due. Did it make any difference?? No, is the short answer. And it actually increased the financial pressure on us as he had to travel to get what he wanted.

I can see what you're trying to do but until you stop trying to fix him things will never change for you or DS. Awful that Dh's dealer chats to him when you're out and about - insidious and awful. But I suppose he's a future customer if you look at it one way, born and brought up in this world and no real way of knowing it's just not normal to be taken along to your dad's dealer, for your dad to be high in the park...for your family's whole existence to revolve around drugs and the inherent volatility and risk involved in drug taking. He's being introduced to it all now by the adults who are supposed to be caring for him and guiding him.

The motivating factor for me to get away from xp was knowing that I was giving my kid a life sentence by staying. I didn't want her to be around an unpredictable, drug addicted father who would always put his own selfish needs first, and to grow up thinking that was ok. I went through a long process of trying to help and eventually force change - the old adage is true though, you can't help him; only he can help himself.

The same is true for you - you need to focus on yourself. Forget trying to change him and take control of your own life, and by extension your son's.

[YoJesse]

It's so awful, he gives me this sort of knowing smile as well like he's implying he sees through my normal looking mum shell and knows what's really going on. Fucker.

I don't want this life for ds, no way. The idea of him being a future customer turns my stomach.
I'm going to have to leave him aren't I? I almost want some big incident to happen to make it easier. We are on such a plateau at the moment. After Christmas I was so ready to leave and even had my SIL (his sister) telling me after a crazy night that I had to leave him. She then said like so many others on the last thread 'you won't though will you. We're going to be having the same conversation in 5years time'
I need a catalyst for change to happen. (I hope I'm not tempting fate by saying that).

Did you experience a defining incident that made things clearer for you to leave or did you just slowly come to your senses?

[wonkylampshade]

There wasn't a defining incident as such, it was more of a drip drip drip of things that eventually became impossible to justify, even to myself. It was hard because I also put a lot of effort into making things look wholesome and healthy from the outside and there was a degree of feeling I had failed too. I look back on that and could shake myself - I wasted a lot of time on someone who was only using dd and I as props. I wracked myself with guilt for separating him and dd, but now he doesn't see her at all, ever. His choice, he only lives about 18miles away but it just confirms what his behaviour always did - he fundamentally didn't care for her. Only for himself.

I think while I lived with him, the erratic stuff became almost predictable and I became good at managing various situations that would make your average person simply bolt. It happened by degrees though, and suddenly you think WTAF has my life become, squirreling around trying to gloss over his moods and rushing home from places early, making sure there's nothing to potentially annoy him etc., when you know his veneer is wearing thin. It's exhausting, depressing and you end up being dragged down with them.

It is enabling, pure and simple. And you're never in control - you might believe you are but your nothing but an accessory to someone else's life, who is using you as an aid to continue doing what he's doing.

[YoJesse]

I've been doing that rushing round for so long, I know how horrible it is and have perfected pre empting him and calming him down. I recently went to a wedding on my own. I'd honestly forgotten how much fun they can be. Chatting, dancing, getting a little tipsy and going home happy. No covering, being embarrassed or being shouted at, no people asking me with a head tilt 'are you ok'? I've suppressed so many memories but since that first thread so many are coming back. I think I need to harness them if things aren't changing now. Finding him passed out behind a notice board at the train station we agreed to meet at, having been round a friends house (who's sadly died of heroin od since) looking like a tramp. I went and bought him some new jeans (pissed himself) and dragged him off to my brothers birthday! That was pre baby. What was I thinking??
I posted under another name a while ago about having to lock me and ds in a hotel bathroom because I thought he might get violent post wedding. (he didn't BTW just squared up to me and told me to put ds down on the floor). Sorry to go on but it really helps writing this stuff down as it makes me angry which I think I should be.

[wonkylampshade]

That's where you need to be! Bloody angry. Your last post is awful. What a complete waste of space he sounds - in sorry but he's a shit dad and a shit partner too by the sound of it.

How are things today?

[wonkylampshade]

Has he taken heroin? I went from being completely clueless about the drugs scene to being able to spot a heroin user from thirty paces...

[YoJesse]

Hi,
Yes, I am angry. And then once again he turns it on its head. It's like he senses something's changing. He was out at soft play when I got in from work yesterday and then came back with flowers for me!!! The man who said on valentines day, Buy yourself some and I'll pay you back later! I know he can't of read these posts as I always log out of MN but seriously This dad/partner of the year stuff is coming out of nowhere. My behaviour must be changing.

He's never tried heroin. He's always acknowledged he has an addictive personality and said he doesn't want to go there.

Sorry about the previous post. I was just venting to myself more than anything else by writing stuff down. Poor Mrs TP advised me on the thread about me in the aggressive post wedding post a couple of years ago too. Did I listen....?
It was understood that I could have a cry/moan about it that night (he blacked about and forgot everything that had happened including the name calling that leaded up to him implying he might hit me within about 30 mins of us being locked in the bathroom) but the next day talking about it was off the cards and we just got on as normal.

I called ADFAM and realised its a charity that directs you to support in your area but doesn't actually run their own support groups round here. She directed me to somewhere fairly local that does one to one support. I called and made an appointment for next week and can even bring Ds.