Such a mess

[Ms82]

Hey, I'm not sure how to stop looking and feeling such a mess all the time. I'm 37, work, 2 kids, 1 with additional needs and I study and I'm just tired and have no energy to do anything to look better but I've had enough of feeling so ugly and I know I need to change and I need to take the first step to caring for myself again. However I can't even think what that will be. I don't think I've ever had a style as such, I work with children and wear work polo t shirts and hoodies, I still can't find anything that suits my bottom half, my belly is a lot bigger than my bum and legs (belly a size 18, bum and legs a 14 max) so I struggle to find Jeans or trousers as to fit my belly they are so baggy on my bum and legs it looks awful. Outside work I tend to just wear pj's or stay in my work stuff, if I take the kids out I wear quite shapeless very baggy dresses and boots, I never go out out so have no 'tidy' clothes. My hair is thick and frizzy and greying, after years of being lovely thick wavy ginger hair and I have no idea what to do with it anymore, it always looks rubbish. My skin, which was once lovely is now spotty and so dry it flakes. I put on so much weight when I had post natal depression and then had a complete breakdown and stopped looking after myself as I didn't think I deserved to be alive yet alone doing stuff for myself. I'm really trying to get over it, I've always looked after my girls and have been back in work for 2 years, I'm still on medication and don't really feel great about myself, outside I look a mess but noone would know how bad I feel when I'm home and everyone is in bed. The doctor thinks I have trauma. She thinks I need to start looking after myself, she suggested yoga? I'm so tense I'm constantly on edge and I struggle to move properly I'm so stiff but I've never tried yoga and would feel weird going to a class, I also am limited on childcare so evening classes aren't really an option. I just don't know where to start. Any advice? Sorry for the long post I don't speak to many people and end up just spilling when I actually communicate. Thanks x

[Miseryisabutterfly]

Bless you. One of my children has additional needs and I also had post natal depression, so I empathise ❤️ The best thing I ever did for myself is to start walking. I walk everywhere. It clears the head like nothing else and also keeps you trim. Get out and about as much as you possibly can! Has your doctor tried a different medication? It doesn’t sound like yours is doing much for you. With regards to your appearance I think little things like keeping your hair clean, your nails neat and legs shaved (if you like them shaved!) make a big difference to your self esteem. If buying clothes is going to get you down because you feel they don’t fit properly or suit you, I’d wait that out until you start feeling better about yourself. Being in pjs at home (during the day) is going to make you feel shit though, please don’t do that!

I’m sorry if this comes across as patronising. I really hope things change for you soon.

[Celia1978]

If you're interested in yoga have a look at Yoga with Adriene www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene - loads (and loads) of online classes on YouTube so you can do them at home when you have time. Some are really short so you could just do a tiny bit when you can.

[kmini]

I am sure you are doing brilliantly and you sound like you've had a lot on your plate! Well done for getting through it and persevering. Hope all gets easier here on in.

Not sure if helpful but here goes:

• hair: if budget extend get your greys done by a hairdresser (it lasts longer) or home colour (I'm sure there is plenty of suggestions on here as to which brand).
• tidy clothes: good jeans that make you feel at your best, couple of nice jumpers, smart every day jacket (waterproof or wool depending upon where you live and need). Re the jeans- you are perhaps an apple shape given your descriptions. So again search on here for recommendations.
• keep skin cleansed and mositurised, tinted moisturiser, bit of blush for colour, mascara. Keep it basic and quick, but at least make you feel a bit done.

I hope that is a little help. We are all the same on here - trying to be the best we can be - so just take little steps.

[Ryantrain]

Stop work or study
Get hair done
Eat well

[Fatted]

Is there a partner in all of this? Do you actually have any time to yourself to do something that you enjoy for yourself?

I was in a really bad place a couple of years ago and felt a lot like you sound like now OP. It sounds like you're overwhelmed with life and it's showing in your lack of time to look after yourself. I've got myself back to a place where I am happier with my life and then by default by myself. It has taken time and it has been a gradual process, one change leads to another and it snowballs.

It really sounds like something in your life has to give. Probably either work or study. What is the study for? Is there an end in sight for it? Are you able to reduce your work hours to fit study in during the daytime hours?

For me, the change came when I stopped working evenings. My routine made more room for making healthy meals, actually having an evening to spend time on myself, actually having weekends free for family time and actually getting a decent night's sleep. Like I said it just snow balled from there.

Stop focusing on everything because that will just make you feel overwhelmed. Focus on one thing that you CAN do and make the change. Then do the next thing, and so on and so forth.

[Aquarius1619]

there’s some really good yoga videos on YouTube! And also there’s an account on YouTube called fitness blender which posts good body weight workouts and then you don’t need to worry about childcare as you can do both from home I’m going to start doing them as well as I’ve recently let myself go and got lost in being a mum and working. Also maybe try and do something once a month just for you, you deserve a minute to yourself. It seems as though you’re spinning many plates OP.

[Littlepeak34]

Can you go treat yourself to a new hair style/colour?

Do you wear make up? If not can you start making the effort to apply a little (just spend a few mins on a morning).

Could you buy a treadmill, even second hand so you can exercise when kids are In bed?

Eat well, not even diet but just eat good healthy foods.

[PelicanPie]

I would start with small changes and gradually you will see big results.
Get a good quality multivitamin and mineral supplement. Also take a fish oil supplement ( Biocare or Solgar not something from Boots or Holland and Barrett.
Drink lots of water. Filtered if possible.
Cut out fizzy drinks and all take aways or junk food.
Up your vegetable and fruit intake as much as you can and cut out eating sugar completely.
Take exercise every day. Walk, swim, go to a yoga class. Online yoga is great but a class and teacher are much better. It is easy to do the poses wrongly and get into bad habits. Besides a class is more motivating.
Get outside as much as you can in nature.
Cut down on screen time
Read rather than scroll through your phone or go on the internet.
Get as much good quality sleep as
You can.
But the best clothes you can afford. Look after them well.
Get a good hair mask or make one yourself and leave it in overnight once a week.
Get your colour done at the hairdressers and get a good cut.
Spend ten mins every morning on hair and make up.
Listen to positive things. TED talks, uplifting podcasts. Read empowering positive books . Cut out negativity as much as you can and don’t watch the news.
Surround yourself with positive people.

[Ms82]

Thanks for all the great tips here. I really appreciate it. In regards to a partner, I am a single mum, my eldest doesn't see her father or that side of her family at all, due to safeguarding issues, but she sees my youngests dad as her dad and he treats them both the same, unfortunately he works away, he comes back on a weekend but if the rugby is on, like it has been, he doesn't have them as he goes out, he apparently dibbsed (not sure thats a real word but I can't think how to spell it) all games. If there isn't rugby we will do stuff together or he takes one out and I have the other. I don't have any free time, I work, I study, I have my girls. I don't really go anywhere (apart from one event in the last however many months that was work related) or talk to anyone outside work which is why I came on here for some advice. There was a guy in work I liked but with my complicated home life and looking like a mess it just wasn't gonna happen, he deserved better. My eldest is now trying to be back in school but I had to home school her for a long while, we are trying to make this work for her though as she was so desperately sad at home. I guess I just don't enjoy life, I get through it, was hoping if I looked a bit better it might make me feel a bit better. Yes, I am definitely an apple shape so I will search on here for tips. Thanks again, like I said I really appreciate that you all took your time to reply.

[StCharlotte]

What sort of work do you do? Is there a uniform?

[Ms82]

I work with children, it's a work polo shirt and trousers/jeans, trainers, work hoodie that type of thing x

[NC4Now]

I can really relate to this. It's very hard. How are your finances? Can you get yourself a couple of new tops/jeans/dresses (whatever your style is) and a hair appointment?
It's about putting yourself first, or at least giving yourself some attention. And that's hard when your self esteem is low and everyone wants a piece of you.
Just make you a priority for a few minutes a day. You do so much for everyone else, they'd want you to if they knew xxx

[StCharlotte]

Sorry OP, I just re-read your first post and realised you'd already saod ehat you do.

I can understand not wanting to gaff around changing after work but perhaps you could concentrate on your off days look. I'm an apple and have some nice tunic tops which I wear with "treggings" (Sainsbury's do nice ones) which are as comfy as leggings but smarter.

I think a yoga class would be good. Physically it will help but I think mentally it will really benefit you

[StCharlotte]

• faff

[EmmaJR1]

Hi Op,

I hope you are having a better day.
Not sure if this will help but Asda do some really stretchy jeggings for £12.50 which might deal with the belly/ legs situation.

I think an appointment at a hairdresser will help you no end if you can manage it.

A good moisturiser that you remember to use will help and make you feel better about your skin.

And yes multivitamins, lots of water and fresh foods.

Unfortunately that's not the stuff you want when you're depressed, run ragged and short of time!

I bought some yoga position cards recently to start stretching at home and there are yoga tutorials on YouTube, Netflix and prime for you to do at home. I do this as I feel too self conscious to go to a class at the moment.

Ultimately you need to start to like yourself before you can start to feel better. I bought my sister a mindfulness journal from paper chase recently that's a 5 minute exercise before bed and she said it's been helpful for positive thinking.

I really hope you are feeling more positive soon.

[KatyS36]

Do you remember what the mindfulness journal was called?

Thanks

[EmmaJR1]

@KatyS36 I think it was called 5 minutes before bed.

[Honeybee85]

Some tips:
Try to eat more healthy. You must be very busy but would batch cooking during the weekend be a possibility?

Use a moisturizer. Doesn’t have to be an expensive one. Just invest in a simple facewash and use suncream during the day and for example Nivea in the blue tin in the evening.

If there’s something about your face you really like about yourself, enhance it with some nice and simple makeup. Or if you want to look put together: my must have is groomed eyebrows, mascara, some concealer for red spots and lipbalm/ gloss. No expensive stuff needed and takes less then 5 minutes.

Try to search online to find a hairdresser you can afford, book an appointment and see what they can do for you.

Perhaps reading into how to build up a capsule wardrobe might be for you. You can slowly buy the pieces you want to get until it’s complete.

Good luck OP!