What's it like to be Ugly?

[BasicallyItsShit]

Since there's a "what's it like to be beautiful" thread I thought I would start an ugly one.

I find one of two things happen. Either you are made fun of.. Or you are completely ignored. People look through you, as if you don't exist.

[vinoandbrie]

I have facial deformity. It’s not great. I try to make the best of what I have. I’ve not known any different so it’s difficult to say what’s it like, as it’s just how it is and always has been.

[RuffleCrow]

It's confusing. I've always received two contrary messages about how i look. How i ugly a believe myself to be at any given moment depends on a variety of factors, internal and external. Some days i look in the mirror and truly believe i'm hideous. Some days i think i'll do - certainly no supermodel but i have good points. I have an emotionally abusive narcissistic mother and a passive enabling father and i hold them at least partially respinsible for my contradictory self-image. Often when i look in the mirror the biggest problem is that i can't actually see myself - i can see a collection of odd features but not how they fit together as a whole. Honestly, i'm not really sure what i look like.

Some days when people are snubbing me and or staring at me i'm sure it's because i look awful. Other days it doesn't seem to matter as much.

[MayFayner]

Some days when people are snubbing me and or staring at me i'm sure it's because i look awful.

I’ve thought long and hard about this issue. I feel the same as you sometimes, but then again I know I don’t stare at people who aren’t supermodels, in fact I rarely rate people’s looks, I just accept them as another person. Look around at how many people are not beautiful and wonderfully put-together. Loads. So I don’t think it’s a lack of beauty that causes people to stare.

I reckon that when I’m looking awful, haven’t had a chance to slap on any make-up etc, it’s usually when I’m tired or stressed and when I’m like that I have a tendency to at least resting bitch face if not full-on furrowed-brow fury face. I think that’s what people are reacting to tbh.

[Writersblock2]

@RuffleCrow - so eloquently put. This describes me (and my parents). I don’t think I have any real idea of how I look. It changes depending on who is looking (and commenting) on me. Perhaps this is why I generally prefer to spend time alone. I don’t understand the obsession with appearance. I mostly “see” myself as a mind and that’s it. Sometimes I feel quite shocked when I remember my physicality. Left alone, I don’t pay much mind to what’s considered acceptable in terms of appearance, but I have learned to act interested in hair and clothes. I do like makeup (because I enjoy colour) and I do like body art because I feel that’s a visual aspect I can apply to myself that makes sense. But I don’t get fashion, I don’t get “the rules” and I don’t get how other people can be so cruelly fixated on a narrow definition of beauty. For me, beauty is what inhabits the physical (and plays out across it).

I’m going to think more on your post. Thank you.

[ByeGermsByeWorries]

Some men tend to laugh at me when I pass and be less helpful in general, for instance in a garage some will fall over themselves to be nice and helpful to a more attractive woman but will be neutral or borderline unpleasant to me, the ugly woman, so I will hurry and leave. It makes me feel awkward as I don't really put much thought on other people's appearance but I feel I'm definitely treated less favourably because I am not considered attractive.

[Frolicsandfiddledeedees]

You are paranoid when a man is nice to you or shows any interest in you after spending your teenage years as the butt of every boy's "jokes". Including them asking you out or even trying to kiss you, but actually their mates were hiding and listening in ready to jump out and laugh if you fell for it.

[MySonIsAlsoNamedBort]

@Frolicsandfiddledeedees that's horrible! Little assholes!

[iwannaseeyoudance]

It definitely makes me think a lot less of myself and I also make lots of inappropriate comments about myself- kind of acknowledging I know what I look like before people say anything.
I am short and fat with wild frizzy hair a squirt and thick glasses I am pale as a ghost poor teeth the list goes on.
My husband is nice looking and people often say how did you get him? Implying there's something wrong with him.
I hate seeing photos of myself I expect people to either laugh or ignore me
I'd love to be just average but at least I am healthy so try to focus on that

[FoodWoes]

I'm fat.

I don't think I'm ugly, but I'm plain enough for those 2 characteristics to equal no attention from the opposite sex.

I'm just... Ignored.

Never get glances or winks or cheeky smiles. I've never been asked out apart from DH.

I'm just quite invisible.

[ScreamingValenta]

You are paranoid when a man is nice to you or shows any interest in you after spending your teenage years as the butt of every boy's "jokes".

This. The first time I was genuinely 'asked out' (not until I was an adult) I thought the man was making fun of me at first. Fortunately he persisted and we eventually went out for a few months.

Generally, it's depressing - no matter how long you spend trying to look nice for a special occasion, you still look rubbish. You're always the 'ugly friend' who is ignored in social situations. You try to hide yourself when photographs are taken. No one ever compliments you, even if you're wearing something really nice, because you can make the most expensive and well-tailored garment look terrible.

However, I have found it gets less awful as I age - I'm grateful to be invisible, merged into the general grey mass of middle-aged women (not to say no middle aged women retain their beauty, but the number grows smaller with age).

I don't have to worry about losing my looks because I don't have any and I'm used to getting through life without being able to charm people.

[Itgoesonandon]

I’m pretty ordinary really -scrub up well if at my ideal weight and have the time and energy but in the last 10 years due to 3 pregnancies, DC, fulltime job, have spent much of my time 2-3 stones overweight, hassled and dishevelled.

I think the weight & clothes are the key issues. I have noticed I am invisible to men and women when fat and the clothes are necessarily frumpier. When I finally lost the baby weight between pregnancies 2 and 3, suddenly lots of people spoke to me at school pick up, it was a revelation. After DC 3 the 2 stones are back on and resisting shifting -I usually struggle to lose until I stop breast feeding -and the same people are ignoring me again.

It all seems quite curious to me. I find it interesting to watch the school gate dynamics where appearances seem to matter so much. It strikes me that as long as people are thin (and wearing thin people clothing) they are very much accepted. Classically beautiful or “ugly” seems irrelevant.

[mumdom]

Short and fat, with the pock marks scars and balding hair of PCOS here. I spend far too much money and time on my appearance trying to pass for normal, and it takes a huge toll on my mental energy. I work in financial technology consulting and it’s remarkable how many senior people I meet who combine being very organised with being very well groomed and well-dressed, thin and attractive. Note I did not say ‘highly competent’.

[Bluntness100]

This is very sad. I'm fifty and I've never met an ugly person unless it was their personality

Yes there is different levels of attractiveness, but I've never met a human I've looked at and thought they were ugly unless it was their personality,

i Have met people I've considered not very attractive, but never ugly and the unattractiveness is always based on how they present themselves and their attitude.

An example would be, someone in dirty ill fitting slobby clothes with a sneer on their face. Then I'd think they weren't very attractive.

The same person with a smile, and dressed cleanly and tidily I'd not think the same.

[ScreamingValenta]

Bluntness I would guess that's a reflection on you being a nice human being who looks beneath the surface. Unfortunately, my experience is that your kind are in a minority.

[whataboutbob]

@itgoesonandon I found the school gate politics a real drag. It was like being at school all over again, the popularity contests, the mummy hierarchies, the politics, the self interest disguised as cooperation. It was really alienating. With DS2 I did make some nice acquaintances and one genuine friend, but on the whole I don’t miss it at all.

[damncats]

You don't trust anything that any one says about your appearance (even down to your clothes) as a result of years of piss taking by boys and girls alike. Even something as asinine as "I like your top" is met with suspicion that they're being sarcastic. My husband says he thinks I'm beautiful but I just truly can't believe him and either ignore his comment or say "at least you think so". You want nothing more than to be invisible and unnoticed to the point where you modify your dress and at particular low moments wish you could starve away to nothing.

On the plus side, you might develop quite a good, dark, sense of humour which helps.

[DC3dilemma]

@whataboutbob, you’ve done better than me, it’s taken until DC3 to meet other parents I have anything in common with. But I have come to realise that the school gates are tainted by a small number of highly visible mean girls reliving their high school experience. All the sensible and emotionally intelligent people keep a lower profile!

[Bluntness100]

Screaming, thanks, but I think everyone would say the same, even the people who think badly of their own appearance, I'm sure they have never met anyone they think is ugly, other than if they are horrible people.

[whataboutbob]

@DC3dilemma that’s true in retrospect, I just wished I’d had the insight to see it that way when I was there!

[Phoebesgift]

I've never met anyone I've thought is ugly. Plain maybe but not ugly. Everyone has at least one good feature. You might just not be aware of it.

[Branster]

damncats you should trust them, try and forget about sarcastic kids’ comments from the past. Hand on heart, I often complement strangers (and friends obviously) when they wear something that looks good on them. Not only if the item of clothing is nice but if it actually looks great on them because it suits them. I don’t think grownups lie when making compliments like that.

[LittleWingSoul]

@Bluntness100 I completely agree. I have a friend who is not in any way classically beautiful and has a slight facial deformity. But I only see her warmth, humour and kindness and it makes her beautiful in my eyes. Similarly, I know a girl who the first time I met, I actually had to tell "you are so beautiful", really striking pretty woman... But she is so cold and lacking in compassion, a sense of humour, kindness etc etc that I don't see the beauty at all anymore. Weird huh.

[LittleWingSoul]

@branster I am too forever complimenting people - strangers And friends - and only ever mean it genuinely. Its a bit of a two way thing, in so much it makes me feel good making someone else feel the same, but always completely genuine!

[Jingers5]

I think it's sad for those who think they are ugly or invisible to others. It's who you are on the inside that matters. You are better than those who are shallow enough to make you feel overlooked. We are all equals, no one should make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them.

[peachgreen]

I'm not ugly but I'm fat. I lost 6 stone in 3 months a few years ago (thanks, eating disorder!) and the difference in the way people treated me was astounding. Everyone was friendlier, especially men. I progressed more quickly at work. I got more help in shops etc and got served quicker in bars. People held doors for me more often. Medical staff were quicker to order tests etc for ongoing issues. In general, people took me more seriously. Some of it could have been coincidence but not all of it. And I didn't change my behaviour because thanks to the eating disorder I didn't feel any different (in fact if anything I felt worse about myself). It was thoroughly depressing, if I'm honest. (And even more depressing now I've put it back on and am back to being a pariah!)