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How can I stop giving a s*** about what people think?

(10 Posts)
Mittens92 Tue 17-Oct-17 22:38:16

I have deleted Facebook purely because of this reason! I was constantly comparing and caring about what people thought and said so I got rid of it because I wanted to focus on more bigger and better things in life.

I have got hearing aids and I have not worn them for 15 years now cos I didn't want to feel different from my peers at school and when I wore them at school before, everyone kept staring and whispering so I didn't wear them after that.

I really need to wear them as I am severely deaf. I keep worrying about people mentioning it, what they're going to say and worried they are going to talk to me like I am an idiot. I have forked out privately so I can get more discreet and smaller ones than the NHS, but they are still visible. I cannot get in the canals as my hearing loss isn't suitable.

I don't know why I am worried... I am in my late 20s and I feel like an immature idiot! blushconfused

MyOtherNamesArePants Tue 17-Oct-17 23:12:16

flowers

Anxiety like this is shit. But at my ripe old age of 45 I have finally got over sooo much of it. What I tried to work out was my own thought processes/judgmental thoughts. What were my worst thoughts about other people? So (and my excuse is I grew up with a very, very judgemental mother) some thoughts I would have/used to have:

Don't like their hair.
Oh, shouldn't wear that skirt/jumper/trousers.
Oh, they are wearing hearing aids. Must be deaf. <May be followed by random thoughts of what that may be like, when it may have happened>
Nice lipstick colour.
Oh, chipped nail varnish. Hate it when that happens.
She has scuffed shoes. <random, oh, must buy some new shoe polish>
Hate that coloured coat.
Love that t-shirt.
Urgh, jealous of her, she looks great in skinnies - I look shit.
Oh poor thing, her kid has stuck a peppa pig sticker to her chest and she hasn't realised.

Obvs ^^ these are just kind of made up stuff - but you get the picture. And what does it tell you about the people I have seen?

Fuck All.

Seriously. Fuck All.

I don't know them. I don't really care . As soon as the above thoughts come into my head they disappear into the ether. Gone. Irrelevant.

And why they go? Because I have other things to think about. Yes, my lipstick colour/trouser fit/coat choice etc But more importantly, how my friend is coping with her SEN child. What should I get out for tea? How to approach the tricky work situation? Random person's sticker-on-the-tit? Gone. Pouff. No longer in my mind.

And to me, any nasty (and shallow) judgements show more about me than who I have judged. It shows the thought processes of someone not very nice. So more and more I stop them. I bounce them off before I think them - if that makes kind of sense. I do not want to be the kind of judgemental person my DM is.

With this thought process (I don't want to judge) has come about far more the realisation that what other people think of me doesn't matter.

As long as I am a decent person. Kind. Thoughtful. A degree of selfishness allowed (ie the ability to say no). That is what matters.

What some random on the street thinks? Who care?

What someone I know thinks? IF they are thinking shallow shit thoughts - well that says something about them. Not me.

So now I have gone through this journey I a) judge others far, far less. and b) Care far less what others think.

It has taken years though. I wish it had happened earlier.

I hope my waffle makes some kind of sense and doesn't make me sound like a total bitch

DollyPartonsBeard Wed 18-Oct-17 09:51:24

Mittens You might like Lucy Sheridan's work. She describes herself as a 'comparison coach' but has a load of really good content on her Instagram and youtube channel, mostly around comparison and confidence and lifeskills. She's been on quite a few podcasts as well so if you Google I'm sure you'll find some. Her website is here: www.proofcoaching.com

DollyPartonsBeard Wed 18-Oct-17 09:53:23

The 'comparison free' blog is here:
www.proofcoaching.com/comparison-blog/

RickOShay Wed 18-Oct-17 09:54:36

What a great post Myothername, I completely agree with you.

Lookatmenow Wed 18-Oct-17 11:07:00

i have hearing aids and i find that it's my problem rather than anyone elses problem.

I have the little ones that go into the ear with a fine tube that attaches to the battery pack/mic over the top of the ear and find most people don't even see them and if they do, what are they going to say:

them - didn't know you had hearing aids
Me - yes, a bit hard of hearing, had them a while
them - oh right!

Then move on to carry on with conversaton with you

Like i said, i thinks it's more how i feel about them, people couldn't really give a shit whether you wear them or not - like if you had to wear glasses all the time, it becomes who you are.

And believe me, once you wear them regually and can hear, WOW! you wont be feeling stupid having to keep asking someone to repeat themselves or just knodding because you can't bear to ask them AGAIN what they had said. You'll become more confident because you can begin to join in with them and they wont be talking about you and your aids - you've got to think of them as nothing more than if you see someone in glasses or if your friend or colleague shows up one day in glasses, you'd be inquisative for the intial sighting then it would be forgotten.

Get them in and remember, you are no longer at school and most people are now grown ups with a tongue filter smile

These are what i wear

GoodyGoodyGumdrops Wed 18-Oct-17 11:14:10

Discovering that I'm almost certainly autistic has been phenomenally liberating for me.

I'm not stupid because I struggle in certain shops.
I'm not stupid because I don't understand how to put together a fashionable outfit.
I'm not stupid because I don't understand fashion.
I'm not stupid because I only get the hang of wearing something pretty much as it goes out of fashion.

I'm not pathetic because I stick to the same old, comfortable things.
I'm not pathetic because I have things in my wardrobe that I don't dare wear for fear of how others may judge me. (Which is not really true any more.)

No. I'm different. I'm quirky. I'm original (sometimes grin).

Now that I understand that all those feelings and behaviours were natural to me, I allow myself to feel that way, I forgive myself, and I go ahead and wear what it like.

I understand that I am different, not wrong, and that it's fine to be different.

I'm sure, being so much older now, I get fewer comments than I used to, but I don't know whether the comments are different, or whether I interpret them differently, or whether I just ignore and forget any that bother me.

You are different, too. That's fine. Maybe people will notice, maybe people will look. Only rude twats whose opinion is of no value will comment.

43andcounting Wed 18-Oct-17 12:14:17

Wow MyOtherNames thank you so much for taking the time to post. The things you said certainly chimed with me (especially the judgemental mother conditioning your thoughts) and I think it could really help me care less what people think. Could you pint me to any other resources you used (or maybe you should write a self-help manual!!) thanks flowers

43andcounting Wed 18-Oct-17 12:15:20

* point (although a pint is always appealing grin )

temporaryname99 Wed 18-Oct-17 15:23:21

Sorry haven't read whole thread but there is a book called The Life Changing Magic of not giving a f**k, which you might find helpful!

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