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Totes inappropes...if you want a laugh!

(26 Posts)
Dowser Fri 20-Jan-17 09:25:37

This appeared on my Facebook, so I went to her fb page and had a nose around.
She's a 44 year old mother of three, who likes fashion and a bargain and kind of tells it how it is.
Anyway she cheered me up.

Here's a sample from her cooking blog...I hope.
Amaze and delight your children yet again on a Monday teatime with my excellent recipe for paella.

4 chicken breasts or 6 thighs
Chorizo from Aldi because it's cheap but nice
Loads of garlic
1 onion
Turmeric about a teaspoon
Red pepper
Long grain rice
Chicken stock - I make my own, only joking - do I fuck.....
Frozen peas
Parsley so that you can get the look of utter contempt from them.

Fry the chicken and chorizo in a large pan whist refereeing a fight over an iPad, add the stock and turmeric, add the garlic, onions and peppers.
Check that there's booze in, I'm afraid that I've made a very school boy error and we've only got 1 glass of Sauvignon blanc left in the fridge. Start panicking now if you've not got much in.
Deep breath now add the long grain rice.
In about 15 minutes you will have to put some more water in as the rice will absorb all the water but will be nowhere near bastarding cooked. Practise some swear words for when this happens like fuck or twat. Now turn your attention to your darling children. I have been filing one of my darlings veruccas in between cooking but you could use this time to shout at them or simply stop a larger one from twatting a smaller one with a remote control.
On the outside of the packet of long grain rice it will inform you that it will take 15-18 minutes to cook. This is a massive lie. It will take about 35 minutes. Your children will now start demanding biscuits and crisps. Say no firmly and then give in shortly afterwards just like always. Now Hoover up the crumbs that the little shits have made with the biscuits. Stir the pan occasionally and swear at it. Have a look at some social media. About 35 minutes later add some frozen peas and the lovingly chopped parsley.
And serve.

After you have shouted them around 36 times they will appear and sit with you at the table.

They will be fucking ecstatic with you and will tell their friends and teachers at school how much they simply adore your cooking and what a great parent you are.

Now drink that wine and prepare some room in the food recycling caddy if you live in the Trafford area or just the bin if you live elsewhere.

Thank you.

Dowser Fri 20-Jan-17 09:26:09

Unfortunately I don't know how to post a picture.

jellyontheplate89 Fri 20-Jan-17 09:29:55

Found this very funny. Would love to read more off her stuff what's her name?

Chimchar Fri 20-Jan-17 09:30:42

Haha! Love this.
My kind of cooking. Wonder if she's been watching me in the kitchen! grin

Dowser Fri 20-Jan-17 09:30:58

Her pitch to m and s

Dowser Fri 20-Jan-17 09:31:46

Just put totes inappropes in fb. Real name alison standard.

Tanito279 Fri 20-Jan-17 09:32:40

Love this! I too prepare space in the food caddy before serving dinner.

Dowser Fri 20-Jan-17 09:34:38

Lol. Dh is the food caddy in our house. We never have any leftovers.

ElfingHeck Fri 20-Jan-17 09:35:40

Cooking as it really is.

Except she left out the bit where the kids poke it around the plate, moan a lot and say they don't like rice, chicken, peas or 'that lumpy red stuff' and demand a rice cake instead. Also the bit where you eat about 3 helpings of it so it doesn't go to waste, then feel stuffed, bloated and cross smile

Dowser Fri 20-Jan-17 09:40:17

Here recipe for fish pie. Love this. Reminds me of when my kids were little.

Fish Pie
So every now and again I forget that the little shits only like food that has previously been in a freezer in a packet and is covered in bread crumbs (and then smothered in tomato ketchup)
It wasn't always so.........

When they were babies I smugly fed them all sorts of stuff like tapas, casseroles, curry, moussaka. They would shovel it in to their mouths like it was nectar. No fussy little bastards for me I thought. Well I was wrong. I am now the proud mother of Oscar who eats Weetabix, chocolate, ham sandwiches, fish fingers and chips and maybe an occasional omelette. He doesn't like fruit. He once cried because there was some fruit on the table. He will however have an Innocent smoothie and he likes jam. We haven't told him that it's a fruit derivative. He doesn't eat sweets as they taste of fruit and he doesn't have yogurt for the same reason. In Oscar world though, Frubes are acceptable. We haven't told him that they are yogurts. He wretches if we try and force the issue. Ted and Bella aren't quite as bad but they like strawberries and they love sugar but they hate jam. What the fuck?
I thought that I'd inflict some vitamins on them today as mummies do.
I went to the supermarket and did a full shop. It's the bank holiday, we will eat like kings I thought. £150 was spent, admittedly there was £40s worth of gin. I bought all the ingredients to make Jamie's fish pie. I didn't check the recipe, I just did it from memory and so naturally I had to go to Sainsbury's local on the way home from school pick up to get the missing double cream and mature cheddar.
I always find that anything with mashed potato takes longer to make than you'd think. So I managed to get the gigantic fish pie in the oven by 5.10. Bella has to to go to gymnastics at 6.00 so we were cutting it fine.
I turned around after putting the prize in the oven and surveyed the utter fucking carnage that was my kitchen. It looked like a mini cyclone had landed and thrown potato peelings, spinach, onion skins and grated cheese around whilst some psychopath had burned shit on to the hob and used every knife, chopping board and pan in the house. Not one but two colanders had been used. Lemon juicers and parsley stalks littered the work surfaces. Blobs of mashed potato had been splattered on to the floor and were now drying out like badly applied cement.There had been pots in the sink when I had needed to strain the potatoes and so I'd got them out and abandoned them.
I washed everything up by hand. I put the fish bag outside in the grey bin. I bleached the work surfaces as fish juice had gone on them and then finally I put some broccoli on to steam.
We sat down to eat at 5.40. I ate my dinner and had seconds. It was fucking lush. As I had finished my second gigantic helping this is the conversation at the table.
"What's this red thing?"
"It's a carrot, carrots are fine"
"I will eat the potato but I'm not eating the curry"
"It's fish, you like fish"
"What's this pink stuff?"
"It's salmon. Eat it please it's fish"
"What's the green stuff?"
"It's spinach, it doesn't taste of anything. Just pop it in your mouth"
"Bella, you've not started. You need to eat and we need to leave for gymnastics"
"What's this?"
This goes on for 20 minutes. Nobody eats anything. They poke it around and ask questions until I tell Bella that she's missed gymnastics. They all have big black circles under their eyes anyway.
I then cleaned up again and got Dangerous to make me a fuck off gigantic gin and tonic.
"Do you actually want any tonic in this?" he asks
And that is why we are married.
That is 2 hours of my life that I will never get back plus a bit extra for trying to spoon it into their mouths.
Ted had a muller crunch corner and then went to get a packet of crisps straight after his tea. I drew the line at the crisps and told him that he was taking liberties.
Oh and I've got to clean the bastard oven as the sauce leaked everywhere.
As a wise woman once said "Fuck this shit."

You can fuck off Jamie with your fish pie

It's Gin o'clock

MsUnderstanding Fri 20-Jan-17 09:43:10

She has to be a MNer. Funny, stylish and self deprecating + lots of swearing. grin

Dowser Fri 20-Jan-17 10:11:39

I did wonder.......

HemanOrSheRa Fri 20-Jan-17 10:14:45

I've been following Totes for ages. I'm sure she is a MNer grin.

Jemimapuddleduk Fri 20-Jan-17 14:26:35

I've been following her for a year or so. She's bloody hilarious! Pretty sure she's a mumsnetter.

MaisieDotes Fri 20-Jan-17 14:33:37

Oh those are brilliant grin

Fuzzypeggy Fri 20-Jan-17 14:54:38

I don't like the way she refers to her children all the time as "the little shits". She is funny apart from that though

Chirrup5 Fri 20-Jan-17 15:21:35

I'd love to follow her blog but no way am I signing back up to bastard Facebook. Shame.

Soubriquet Fri 20-Jan-17 15:27:11

Nowt wrong with calling kids little shits online

Just not to their faces

plus some kids really are little shits

LittleBoat Fri 20-Jan-17 15:29:56

One day her 'Little Shits' will read her posts...

Fuzzypeggy Fri 20-Jan-17 15:33:28

Exactly littleboat. And there are pics of them on there too. It's a bit public imo but I realise that not everyone's view

Soubriquet Fri 20-Jan-17 15:35:27

My dad used to call me a little bastard

Always said fondly and I'm ok about it

LittleBoat Fri 20-Jan-17 15:35:43

I think Peter and Jane is funnier. Judgey Dog may not agree though.

Fuzzypeggy Fri 20-Jan-17 15:40:21

soubriquet that may be the case but something about having pics of your face, your home, your family's faces, their names, the area you live, the meds you're on, calling your kids little shits and all of this online for the world to read if they want, is too much for me and it makes me uncomfortable. Calling your kids little shits on mn which is anonymous is different to a blog like this one. I wouldn't want my kids seeing that. Totally just my opinion though, she has a gazillion followers so I'm probably in the minority.

Soubriquet Fri 20-Jan-17 15:43:27

The photo with the quotes I can probably understand actually yes

I do put photos of my two on fb but they are always ones that aren't going to be too embarrassing when teens. So toilet shots, no tantrum shots.

Soubriquet Fri 20-Jan-17 15:44:17

*No toilet shots not so toilet shot so

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