Horrible body envy and youth envy.(37 Posts)
I'm In my mid forties. I have stunning younger sisters, eight and sixteen years younger than me. Whenever I've introduced them to partners or prospective partners it's always been tense for me as my sisters are quite gregarious and dress to show of their beautiful bodies. They are both dark skinned, big boobs,slim waist, taller than me and of course younger.
I am short and over weight, mainly because of mobility issues and medication side effects.
Every time anyone meets them for the first time they tell me how stunning my sisters are. I am not ugly but age has caught up with me, plus disability and two pregnancies,I barely recognise myself. Due to my drugs I cannot lose weight, they're neuropathic drugs and apparently alter the way the body stored fat. I have been tapering off them but the weight isnt budging.
I know I can be pretty but I really have to make a lot of effort now not to look rough.
So I am seeing a new man who is besotted by me.
My family and I spend a lot of time together, out and about, on the beached so it's a natural progression that my new man will be joining us on said trips sometimes or even when everyone just hangs out in my garden (I am the only one with a garden in our family)
So today there were loads of fb pics of my sisters on the beach, neon bikinis, perfect figures etc and my jealousy, anxiety etc came steaming in.
I have been out with guys before who either avert their eyes in an obvious manner or I catch surreptitiously looking at my sisters or totally lapping up the gorgeousness. All the guys say how lovely they are, and they are.
But how to deal with this jealousy? I don't feel too self conscious on the beach normally but next to them and with a new an I know ill just feel like a lump of lard and lose all my sparkle. I dont want to be mardy and moody on the beach it Ihave gone that way before.
Has anyone else dealt with anyone like this and how to deal with it?
I have self esteem issues and have worked on them which is how I became confident in starting a new relationship but now it's all coming back, why does he like me when there's younger, slimmer, fitter, bigger boobs etc etc, disastrous self talk, please help!!!
Ok this might seem simplistic but you have two choices, you can be jealous and mardy or jealous and proud of your sisters. I think the second choice will be nicer for everyone concerned. I don't think we can help you not be jealous, I'm sure that's quite normal but it's important how you handle it.
I don't have sisters. But I do know how it feels to barely recognise yourself. I have put on weight with a thyroid problem, and I'm 51 so obviously not still 35, and yet I've spent the last decade barely looking in the mirror as I've had two dds in that time and been permanently exhausted. I used to model, so i was very slim, but I saw myself in a full length mirror the other day on holiday and cried! It was a proper shock! Oh the cellulite, the white veiny legs, the drooping of my 28GG bosom, which was three cup sizes smaller a decade ago. I have good skin for 51, I look younger, but I don't look how I used to and it feels horrible. I live near the beach so I see lovely lithe young things in tiny bikinis all the time, cartwheeling on the sands while I sit there, too fat for a bikini, in a long frock. . I have lost all my confidence actually, and part of it is getting immersed in child rearing, I haven't worked since having the dds and we've re-located to a rural area, so I can't do my old job and need to find a new career somehow.
I don't have any helpful advice, i just wanted to say that you are not alone. Oh and that your man clearly adores you and will doubtless apprectiate your sister's prettyness but still find you more lovely.
Thanks picachew , you're so right and in every other circumstance I am proud of my sisters, it's just whenever it comes to this scenario I lose the plot a little bit
Don't get me wrong, I'm totally ashamed of feeling like this. My mum was a monster and was insanely jealous of younger women, when I was early teens she hacked my hair off because I was drawing too much attention to myself and if we were going out to eat (for example) she'd refuse to enter a restaurant with young attractive people in it. I can feel elements of her behaviour creeping into me and I detest myself for it.
It's always been an issue but has worsened since my disastrous marriage where my husband was attracted to much younger women.
Ah I understand how you feel. Are they your half sisters?
My sister is stunning and everyone loves telling me. I'm not ugly but no one has ever told me I'm pretty of anything - except my lovely sister!
It's not their fault they're lovely and gorgeous although that doesn't help you. I'm not sure how to overcome it because I still haven't and she's 10 years older than me!!
My brother is also v handsome and people say 'oh your family is so good looking!' In a surprised way haha
sirvix thank you for reassuring me I'm not just a jealous old crone. Yes looking in the mirror is depressing, I'll have a day when I'm feeling fit and attract then catch sites of my porridge legs and lardy gut as well as grey roots, crows feet etc and I feel so low. I guess it doesn't help that I once was attractive and never thought twice about my looks or body.
I love having am an who seems to love me for what I am but my anxious brain keeps telling me he must be disgusted by my gut.shocking way to think especially as I'm raising a daughter. I have never told new fb about my insecurities and really don't want to, I know I'll just sound like a winer which is probably why I'm offloading here instead!
Thanks so much for sharing your stuff too x
fugghet yes they are half sister. I Feel like the dud half and they're not alwYs the most complimentary (spelling?) to me, the callow youths that they are, I have had some put downs from them in the past and I guess that makes m insecure too, especially the youngest one, some barbed comments re my weight, shape, clothes etc which automatically puts me on a downer.
Glad I'm not the only one, I know how you feel when people say that re your brother and family. I also have a cousin who models and a gorgeous young Aunty, when we all get together for family pics I feel like a warty ole witch!
For what it is worth, I don't think your feelings are shameful. They seem completely normal given the circumstances you describe. I think an awful lot of people would think and feel the same way. You are certainly a long way off your mum's behaviour.
I am glad you have a lovely new man. Focus on what you do have. You could try asking, 'is that a constructive thng to think' when the negativity seeps in. I find this can be effective in limiting negativity in my own life. Not always, but enough to keep using it as a strategy.
Mine are half siblings too, they are tanned, I am pale with bad skin. It's the hand we've been dealt - fake tan works
But in all honesty, I wouldn't swap places, they have their issues and I'm happy being me.
I am sure many people would feel the same in those circs!
Only have brothers
You have to make the best of the cards you are dealt. People live being with those who are positive, funny, generous, self deprecating, interesting.
Looks are just looks.
It is the sort of thing you don't really say out loud IRL, because someone will tell you to count your blessings yada yada
I don't envy others their youth, I'm 49 and happy in my skin.
I know I need to get fitter, lose weight (but I was always very thin till my 30s, this has crept on in my late 30s to 40s so I know I can shift it but going through GI investegations at the moment which is slowng me up)
I have an older DSis who is modelthin and runs marathons but hasn't got DC. I have 2dc so of course I've changed.
There was a comment I heard that Envy is like eating poison and hoping the other erson dies ie, self destructive.
The power, as they say, is in your hands.
Your seeing a man who is besotted with you. Your words op. No one else's. That should be all the proof you need of your beauty,
Your man is besotted with you, focus on that definitely. However, I know how you feel, my sister is ten years younger and much more attractive than me. (I'm also looking pretty wobbly and saggy after two kids, greys coming in etc so I get what you're saying). Focus on what makes you feel better, what you have control over eg your hair or clothes and make up. And we re usually own worst critic!
I'Ll probably be roasted on a pitch folk now, cut up and shred amongst mumsnet to eat, but I can't help thinking with the my man is besotted with me comment, that you are fishing for compliments. some where along the line. Those words to me are not the words of someone under confident.
My twin is tall, slender, tanned, blonde. I am short and dull of hair and sallow. School bullies were harsh.
What Ilive said. I wouldn't worry about the rest. I have younger sisters, in their teens and early twenties. There's no way I will look like that now in my late thirties, I've had my time looking like that already, so I don't bother with envy. Besides, and I hope I'm not coming across as boastful, but I have achieved a lot in my life and blessed with things they can only dream of: a wonderful career, husband, home and baby on the way. I feel I've "progressed" from being solely caught up in looks, like teenagers are. Frankly, I feel lucky to have reached this age without dying (I have a very young patient who is going to die before his 22nd birthday) and being the pretty young thing I once was is no longer a priority for me. Bedsides, it's all going one way, downhill, so we all need to try and make our peace with it. Getting old is no picnic, but it's better than the alternative!
I hope that didn't come across as preachy, I certainly don't think you are superficial or your concerns invalid, just trying to put a different spin on it. I really hope you can find a way to come to terms with it.
By the way I'm still completely obsessed with clothes, shoes, handbags, great meals, fab holidays etc etc so not everything has changed but I can certainly afford much nicer things than I could as a 20 year old! A silver lining to every cloud!
I identify with some of what you have written, OP. I married at 32 and DH was the first boyfriend I've ever had that didn't fancy my sister!
Try and be kind to yourself. Tell yourself nice things that you would say to another woman in a similar situation. Say to yourself, 'well, I think you're gorgeous'. Give yourself permission to be happy. These are the things that make you nicer to be around than your sisters, who, despite being super model types, sound a little less than kind.
It must be hard. But you did say your man was besotted by you and that you are the only one with a garden. I think that your jealousy is perfectly understandable, given the kind of culture we live in. I would invest in some pretty beach wear- I expect someone on here can point you in the right direction. remember you are comparing yourself to your sisters, if you compared yourself to everyone else on the beach, I expect you would feel a lot better. When I am feeling very insecure, which happens often, I either withdraw slightly and people watch or I focus completely on drawing out another person, either way I forget about myself.
Thanks so much guys, not much time to reply to all now, will read and absorb later. Definitely not fishing for compliments, I haven't even posted a pic of me. I just wanted some reassurance that I'm not a horrible person plus was hoping to hear other people who identify with these feelings and am really glad to hear from people who do share similar thoughts and feelings. It's not something I'm proud of. I am seeing a lovely man who makes me feel good about myself but when these dark thoughts come in no amount of positive self talk changes what I feel. I love the idea from someone about just investing in nice beachwear, so simple but will probably make som difference. A great start. And yes my sisters are mixed race with exotic looks.
Are you by any chance living with steroids? You speak of the taper and the weight and I so hear you! (also a long term steroid taker for immune and kidney disease) My mental well being has been altered permanently by the drugs I take and I also get wild stabs of emotion which can be envious at times. I also despair of ever having my own body back, or the energy to lose some of my extra weight. It is depressing.
Be kind to yourself. It's not just being older, it's being a fighter and you're bound to have some scars.
ALso please bear in mind that as your half sisters age they will also have their own scars and battles, youth is transient.
Hey gonagle not steroids, a catch all pain drug whichihave for joint pain .it's a miracle drug, used for so many conditions the side effects list is huge! When I say this man is besotted by me it might sound vain but not meant to be, I guess the rest of the sentence I missed out is 'I can't understand why he's with me and when he properly meets my sisters I'll see the scales fall from his eyes when he realises that I'm the booby prize (with no actual boobies) . Childish but true! Yes youth is transient and I know they're not without their issues.
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