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Can somebody explains jeans to me please?

145 replies

SaulGood · 04/06/2015 12:28

After my PFB was born and mired in a postnatal fug, I went to buy some trousers. The criterion were they had to fit and preferably, be available from the first shop I went into. I went to TK Maxx iirc and buoyed by the need to feed the baby and the promise of trousers which would hide my post-CS apron, I tried on a grand total of one pair of size 12 jeans. They seemed to fit and they agreed to sell them to me. I was unaware at the time precisely how lucky I was.

It is eight years later. I love these jeans. With the exception of a pregnancy in the intervening years, I have worn them every week, at least once, since I bought them. They are massive round the waist as I'm actually a size 8 again but I tie them up with a head scarf. They might not fit round my somewhat decreased middle but they fit in all sorts of other metaphysical ways. They make me very happy. They're soft and worn and make me feel emotions usually inspired by the heady combination of gingerbread and David Mitchell. Sadly, they are tired. The bottoms have gone from frayed to ripped and as they really don't stay up as well as one might hope trousers on a middle-aged woman should, they drag on the floor more and more and they're protesting. The knees are torn, which means whenever I put them on and accidentally catch my toes in the hole, the children are treated to a rousing chorus of "oh buggering fuckety fuck". I have accepted that it's time to go no contact.

I went shopping. I bloody did. I have tried on no less than 27,000 pairs of jeans. I understood none of them. They clearly didn't understand me either. The terminology is boggling. Skinny, straight leg, low rise, boyfriend, boot cut, worn, torn, stonewash, twisted, dip dyed, distressed. DISTRESSED? I'm fucking distressed.

In a flash of inspiration, I tried googling the brand of my much loved, much missed pair of jeans and it turns out that "Roxy" only ever made one nice pair of jeans.

I don't want skinny jeans. I don't want to wrestle myself into my clothes. I want to pull them on and sigh at how comfortable they are. I also don't like them cut so low I'm partaking in an unintended strip tease every time I reach up to the top shelf for more stem ginger. I know I don't like boot cut because I experimented with it in 1989 and I'm just about over that experience. The ones I've tried on all seemed to be really inflexible, thick denim. Is it only washing a pair of jeans every Saturday for 8 years that makes them less cardboard-like?

I don't want them ridiculously baggy, or harem or whatever else I spotted in a shop the other day. I like them just normal. You know, not clinging, not baggy, just jeans. I have a pretty nice figure and I like the fact that my jeans fit me and I feel good in them, but they're not tight iyswim. Not cut low at the waist either, not up to my nipples, just normal. I like quite pale jeans. My much loved ones were v pale blue, stone wash I think. I don't mind grey jeans either. I don't like v dark blue. Oh and I went in Next too and every single pair I looked at was made out of weird, stretchy material. I don't like that either.

I've tried Sainsbury's and Tesco. I also looked in Gap. I have tried on lots and lots. The nicest I tried on were Sainsbury's low rise boyfriend jeans but the waistband wasn't uncomfortable. If I bought them, would that get better with washing them?

I don't have a lot of money and I genuinely only need one pair of jeans. Which shop do I go to and what am I looking for? I'm actually not as fussy as this thread makes me sound. I just want to be comfortable.

Having googled, boyfriend jeans do seem to be what I want but then this nonsense pops up and I think what I actually want is to never go shopping again. The shape is pretty close to what I want, but what's with the weird vents?

I really, really like these but £95?! They're very similar to my lovely Roxy jeans. So some like that (or with slightly less of a taper if possible, is that straight leg?) but I'd like to keep both kidneys.

Anybody still awake? Just name a shop and a style and I will go there and try them on.

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AuntOlive · 04/06/2015 12:34

I'm afraid the only pair of jeans I have which fit that description were from 'Made in heaven' (apt title obv) but they aren't cheap. I find you do have to pay a premuim at my age for good, flattering jeans.

You could try looking on the Outnet or Ebay though? I mine were the Vienna style but they do higher waisted options too. Or try TK Maxx again