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Can somebody explains jeans to me please?

(146 Posts)
SaulGood Thu 04-Jun-15 12:28:38

After my PFB was born and mired in a postnatal fug, I went to buy some trousers. The criterion were they had to fit and preferably, be available from the first shop I went into. I went to TK Maxx iirc and buoyed by the need to feed the baby and the promise of trousers which would hide my post-CS apron, I tried on a grand total of one pair of size 12 jeans. They seemed to fit and they agreed to sell them to me. I was unaware at the time precisely how lucky I was.

It is eight years later. I love these jeans. With the exception of a pregnancy in the intervening years, I have worn them every week, at least once, since I bought them. They are massive round the waist as I'm actually a size 8 again but I tie them up with a head scarf. They might not fit round my somewhat decreased middle but they fit in all sorts of other metaphysical ways. They make me very happy. They're soft and worn and make me feel emotions usually inspired by the heady combination of gingerbread and David Mitchell. Sadly, they are tired. The bottoms have gone from frayed to ripped and as they really don't stay up as well as one might hope trousers on a middle-aged woman should, they drag on the floor more and more and they're protesting. The knees are torn, which means whenever I put them on and accidentally catch my toes in the hole, the children are treated to a rousing chorus of "oh buggering fuckety fuck". I have accepted that it's time to go no contact.

I went shopping. I bloody did. I have tried on no less than 27,000 pairs of jeans. I understood none of them. They clearly didn't understand me either. The terminology is boggling. Skinny, straight leg, low rise, boyfriend, boot cut, worn, torn, stonewash, twisted, dip dyed, distressed. DISTRESSED? I'm fucking distressed.

In a flash of inspiration, I tried googling the brand of my much loved, much missed pair of jeans and it turns out that "Roxy" only ever made one nice pair of jeans.

I don't want skinny jeans. I don't want to wrestle myself into my clothes. I want to pull them on and sigh at how comfortable they are. I also don't like them cut so low I'm partaking in an unintended strip tease every time I reach up to the top shelf for more stem ginger. I know I don't like boot cut because I experimented with it in 1989 and I'm just about over that experience. The ones I've tried on all seemed to be really inflexible, thick denim. Is it only washing a pair of jeans every Saturday for 8 years that makes them less cardboard-like?

I don't want them ridiculously baggy, or harem or whatever else I spotted in a shop the other day. I like them just normal. You know, not clinging, not baggy, just jeans. I have a pretty nice figure and I like the fact that my jeans fit me and I feel good in them, but they're not tight iyswim. Not cut low at the waist either, not up to my nipples, just normal. I like quite pale jeans. My much loved ones were v pale blue, stone wash I think. I don't mind grey jeans either. I don't like v dark blue. Oh and I went in Next too and every single pair I looked at was made out of weird, stretchy material. I don't like that either.

I've tried Sainsbury's and Tesco. I also looked in Gap. I have tried on lots and lots. The nicest I tried on were Sainsbury's low rise boyfriend jeans but the waistband wasn't uncomfortable. If I bought them, would that get better with washing them?

I don't have a lot of money and I genuinely only need one pair of jeans. Which shop do I go to and what am I looking for? I'm actually not as fussy as this thread makes me sound. I just want to be comfortable.

Having googled, boyfriend jeans do seem to be what I want but then this nonsense pops up and I think what I actually want is to never go shopping again. The shape is pretty close to what I want, but what's with the weird vents?

I really, really like these but £95?! They're very similar to my lovely Roxy jeans. So some like that (or with slightly less of a taper if possible, is that straight leg?) but I'd like to keep both kidneys.

Anybody still awake? Just name a shop and a style and I will go there and try them on.

AuntOlive Thu 04-Jun-15 12:34:40

I'm afraid the only pair of jeans I have which fit that description were from 'Made in heaven' (apt title obv) but they aren't cheap. sad I find you do have to pay a premuim at my age for good, flattering jeans.

You could try looking on the Outnet or Ebay though? I mine were the Vienna style but they do higher waisted options too. Or try TK Maxx again smile

BlairWaldorfLovesShopping Thu 04-Jun-15 12:37:55

I don't have any specific advice really, but just wanted to say that the way you wrote this was very funny. "DISTRESSED? I'm fucking distressed." almost made me laugh out loud, so thanks grin

Girlfriend jeans might be what you want - they are similar to boyfriend but with a slightly higher waist I believe, which makes them much more comfy. How about something like these? Or are they too tapered? I think River Island and Topshop jeans are meant to be good.

RoganJosh Thu 04-Jun-15 12:37:56

Have you tried Next relaxed skinny (probably in a size down). They're not stretchy or too tight.

RoganJosh Thu 04-Jun-15 12:40:15

Here's the link to the next relaxed skinny.

AuntOlive Thu 04-Jun-15 12:46:20

My favourtite Topshop jeans are Jamies, they go very soft and wearable after a few washes. They are quite 'skinny' fit (I'm not btw) but are high waisted so good hold-innage.

SaulGood Thu 04-Jun-15 12:49:06

I would go online and I do like ebay usually but recent experience suggest that I do need to try the fecking things on. Blair, those jeans you linked are okay but you're right, they're too tapered. I'll try Next again. The one I went in the other day was tiny and seriously, every pair of jeans was made of a very strange, stretchy denim. We have a big city, positively teeming with shops. I will go there if I have to. I won't enjoy it though.

Skinny jeans just don't suit me at all. I don't find them comfortable and I have short legs. I see leggy types in them and they look wonderful. I look like I should be working for Willy Wonka.

undermythumb Thu 04-Jun-15 12:49:22

I actually really like the jeans you have linked too. At 52 wears a year x 8 years they work out quite to be economical per wear. Could you treat yourself this once?

AuntOlive Thu 04-Jun-15 12:49:50


SaulGood Thu 04-Jun-15 12:53:14

Those Topshop Jamies are v skinny and I don't like the high waists. I have a pretty good mid-section, though my abdomen is short it's flat and I have good upper abs in particular. My only slight problem is a pouch of loose skin from the two CS. It's low down at bikini level and too high a waist and I get a bulge. I need jeans which sit just above it and hang over it iyswim. So, an inch or two below my belly button but not right down by my crotch.

My friend wears Topshop Marthas and I tried them on once (same size). I quite like them but the waist was all wrong.

cjt110 Thu 04-Jun-15 12:57:41

I have some lovely comfy ones from Next Clearance. They are Boyfriend/Boyfit jeans. They come up over my muffin top and arent tight at all. They were about £12.00 from £30. I just had a quick search and there are a few pairs on there that are very similar to what I bought. Give them a try.

SaulGood Thu 04-Jun-15 13:00:15

I could treat myself but I'd have to boil them up as soup or we wouldn't eat for a couple of weeks. grin Maybe I could save for them. They're not quite right either. Wee bit too much taper. Is Whistles a shop or an online thing? Not sure I've ever see one.

I did try our local TK Maxx and it wasn't fruitful. Wrong time of year I suppose.

I'm really grateful for the responses. I'm off shopping (Travis Perkins for levelling compound, don't worry I'm not clothes shop bothering today). I will come back later and see if you've found a second hand pair of pale blue Roxy jeans for me. smile

ScrambledSmegs Thu 04-Jun-15 13:01:22

Gap do something called 'sexy boyfriend jeans' (is the boyfriend sexy? Or the jeans? WON'T SOMEBODY TELL ME?) which could fit the bill. The problem is that their denim can be a bit hit and miss when it comes to softness.

Dixiebell Thu 04-Jun-15 13:01:32

Sounds like you want something straight leg and mid-rise. Try Fatface? They do that sort of thing. Maybe other surf brands like Roxy too?

nottheOP Thu 04-Jun-15 13:02:21

I have these but after your last post, they may be too high waisted for you. They sit about 1-2" below my belly button.

I agree with you about Next, the stretch is ridiculous and you need to buy them stupidly small or else they just fall down.

AuntOlive Thu 04-Jun-15 13:02:44

Link to the outnet (MiH jeans)

nottheOP Thu 04-Jun-15 13:03:40

These might work - very little stretch and mid rise - cheap too

SaulGood Thu 04-Jun-15 13:09:29

Here are my jeans, just for reference...

They're way too big now and probably look better when not photographed on a crappy phone.

Rattitude Thu 04-Jun-15 13:10:38

You could check the various M&S straight leg jeans. I am quite partial to these ones, although I got them in black rather than denim.

SaulGood Thu 04-Jun-15 13:11:15

Really, really need to go shopping for levelling compound. LOVE some of the links. I will be back.

ZeroFunDame Thu 04-Jun-15 13:37:53

I have no interest in jeans - but you've made me laugh so much.

D'you think anything here might work?

(I daresay eating is overrated.)

ouryve Thu 04-Jun-15 13:43:43

Try the £20 Next skinnies. Not ridiculously skinny but skinny enough to tuck into boots, no ridiculous baggy bits, sit just above the hip bones, so they don't keep falling down, even with no hips to speak of, lovely and soft and not too thick. I have a dark pair and a light pair and the light ones are the best jeans I've had for years.

M&S Indigo also worth a look.

uggmum Thu 04-Jun-15 14:01:33

Fat face jeans are good. Generous around the waist.
I know youve been to gap. Did you try lots on there. I but the 'real straight' ones from there and I really like them.

Superexcited Thu 04-Jun-15 14:06:37

It sounds like you want a pair of straight leg mid rise jeans. The softness tends to come with time as they are washed and worn so perhaps you could try buying a used pair from the charity shop?

KatharineClifton Thu 04-Jun-15 14:11:14

I love your post! This really is jeans shopping for me too!

Before I got fat I found Primark were the only shop who made jeans that fit my body (when I had a tiny waist and massive backside and hips). Now I have some from Next (ebay) that are called high-waisted but are actually normal waisted for a child of the 70s and they are a pretty good fit. Not great, but pretty good. Also, a donated pair of New Look jeans from my sister are an almost fit. I do like stretch in them as well, it is convenient for when I want to eat smile

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