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Going to the funeral of a new born. Please give me one less thing to think about

(23 Posts)
Fletcherl Thu 20-Mar-14 17:14:17

A young couple in the family will have a first baby in the next few weeks that will have complications that mean that we will be having a family funeral.
I know it is impossible but please give me ideas so I can put my energy into other things

OneLittleLady Thu 20-Mar-14 17:17:04

I'm so sorry thanks

Black is usually most appropriate but family my request certain colours so ask someone close to them but not the parents directly. Knee length if skirts or dresses, sleeves are usually most appropriate especially if it's a proper church service. I hope someone with more knowledge will come along with better suggestions. I didn't want to read and run but this is a difficult subject for me. thanks

NurseyWursey Thu 20-Mar-14 17:18:06

I really don't think anyone will care what you wear, what would you wear to any other funeral?

I usually wear a plain black dress and tights.

Treats Thu 20-Mar-14 17:21:17

Keep it subdued. When we buried my DS, I was just so grateful that people turned up and were there to support us that I didn't notice what anyone was wearing.

I think if someone had made a really obvious effort and gone out of their way to look impressive, it would have forced me to notice what they were wearing iyswim, which would have been intrusive and jarring.

WotchOotErAPolis Thu 20-Mar-14 17:23:31

How dreadful for everyone. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you all.sad

You must be very strong for the Mum & Dad - they will really need your support.

You have got to be quite hard and remember it's not your baby - it's theirs and they will need to grieve big time. So will you as it's a family baby and they won't be afraid of your being upset too. After all, every baby belongs to its extended family too and you have all been looking forward to its arrival.

But never lose sight of the fact that it's their baby and they need you - whether you cry or get angry at the injustice of it, or whatever. They will expect you to be upset so don't hold it back, but let them lean on you too.

The hospital will have been advised and will handle the whole thing as sensitively as they can. Try not to worry about arrangements as the nursing staff/midwives/etc will sadly, have seen it happen before and you must trust that they know what to do.

WotchOotErAPolis Thu 20-Mar-14 17:46:31

This might help?

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/guest_posts/2031013-Guest-post-When-my-little-boy-died-I-was-given-a-leaflet-Where-is-the-support-for-bereaved-parents

Not something I would think about!

Black,simple and 'boring'.It's a babys funeral not a fashion parade.

VelvetStrider Thu 20-Mar-14 18:53:33

I've been to two young childrens funerals in the past year or so. Not newborns, but toddlers. sad On both occasions we were requested by the parents to wear bright colours. I would take your cues from the parents of this poor baby as to what they want the family and congregation to wear.

JohnnyUtah Thu 20-Mar-14 18:55:09

I say this with love, honestly, but - nobody cares. Just wear something smart, not short or low cut. So sorry for the parents.

Floisme Fri 21-Mar-14 07:05:07

I am so very sorry.

I have been in a similar situation. The parents asked us to dress up in our favourite clothes and bring a balloon. The best advice I can give you - both about the funeral and beyond - is to assume nothing. I would ask, not only about what to wear but about what else the parents would like. They may want people who can read a poem, make a speech, look after an elderly relative, bake a cake, help them buy an outfit. Or they may not; you really cannot predict it. Some parents just want to get the funeral over with and will barely notice you are there but others derive a great deal of comfort from planning it. They see it as the last thing they will ever do for their child and they want it to be memorable.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Fri 21-Mar-14 12:24:19

No one will care what you wear just keep it low key.thanks

ENormaSnob Fri 21-Mar-14 14:02:25

No one will give a shit what you are wearing as long as its inoffensive.

The baby isnt even dead yet ffs.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Fri 21-Mar-14 14:05:23

OP, did you actually mean to post in S and B about what to wear or did you mean to post elsewhere and actually you're looking for support to distract yourself?

shakinstevenslovechild Fri 21-Mar-14 14:10:24

I couldn't tell you what anyone, including myself, wore to my sons funeral. Nobody will care, nor remember.

I am sorry this is happening to your family, but I have to agree with ENorma I think it is really distasteful to be planning what you are going to wear to his/her before the baby is even born.

There is also a very helpful thread in bereavement right now about what to say, and what not to say to bereaved parents. You might find that worth a read.

sugar4eva Fri 21-Mar-14 16:02:45

I don't think it's distasteful of u op I think that it's a time you are dreading a d using whatever resources you have to face this up comming very sad event. The most important thing is that you will there to support the parents which you will do by simply bei g there. Wear something comfortable and unobtrusive so that you are thinking of the thi gd you need to and being supportive .i attended a close friends baby funera l and I just had simple clothes on and help some flowers picked for her from my garden . As others gave said the parents may ask for something that they want such a bright colours. The important thing is to listen to what they want .if they don't want anything soefic then I'd go for quite neutral clothes that allow you to focuss ion the day itself. You may be focussing on clothes as you are finding it - naturally- hard to deal with- that's ok

JohnnyUtah Fri 21-Mar-14 17:11:23

It's not distasteful. Well I'm sure the op doesn't mean to be. Sometimes planning the details can distract you from the awfulness.

Pumpkinette Fri 21-Mar-14 18:58:10

So true sugar and johnny sometimes focusing on the small things helps get you through. I know when my gran passed away I focused too much on what to wear to the funeral to distract from dealing with the loss.

I would say stick to black or dark colours, plain trousers and top or a dress that is knee length / higher neckline with black tights and shoes - nothing too high or 'clicky' sounding heels. Keep make up and hair simple. I always think for a funeral to keep the outfit / hair and make up the way you would for a job interview - conservative and smart as in my opinion it's more 'respectful' to the deceased person and the family.

saggytummy Sat 22-Mar-14 00:20:25

I lost a baby too , been to a 6 week olds funeral and don't think it's as distasteful as some have suggested because you've already been told this will happen. I'd always go for black or navy to a funeral but the parents may wish to have colour instead. Sort the black before if you need to then you'll be there to support the poor couple how they wish to be supported.

Floisme Sat 22-Mar-14 11:23:49

I don't see it as distasteful, I think the op just wants to do the right thing. the problem is, we don't really know - it is entirely up to the parents. Many do not care or even notice but some parents do have other wishes, especially if there are going to be children present.

There may be guidance given but word does not always get through to everyone. Wait until the funeral is announced then, if you are still unsure, just ask. If you don't feel close enough to the parents, then ask someone who is.

HappyGirlNow Sat 22-Mar-14 13:17:01

Why do you care what you'll wear? I'm sure no-one will care what you're wearing, their minds will be on other things!

Fletcherl Sat 22-Mar-14 17:49:06

Thank you for all your help and support.
Trying to say the unsayable and think the impossible.
I want to deal with the parts I can deal with - clothes - and keep my resources for being the best possible support I can be.
Such great advice.

burnishedsilver Sun 23-Mar-14 08:39:15

Nothing fancy. Nothing new. Just not jeans.

KissesBreakingWave Sun 23-Mar-14 08:56:09

What everyone else said. Turn yourself out neat and smart and unobtrusive, black being traditional, same as any other funeral. And, no, it's not distasteful to make sure you're ready. Maybe there's something you can help with in advance? Check in with the poor mite's grandmother?

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