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The CrepeVine

(996 Posts)
MrsSchadenfreude Sat 13-Apr-13 14:03:00


How did we finish the other thread so fast...? Less than a month.

Cremolafoam Thu 16-May-13 22:51:19

Running out of space ladies
new threadsmile

Cremolafoam Thu 16-May-13 22:41:46

Wilbur your post brought a tear to my eye . It cant be easy being an open sandwich hmm
I have real anxiety about losing my dad as he has been so unwell this last year and will be 84 his next birthday. Mum is young otoh at 70.she had me at 22shock . The difference in their ages has recently become very apparent . Dad had 3 maiden aunts who never married because of WW1 and dearth of men afterward. They each lived to 98, 100 and 102. ( Lived together and died in the same yearshock)
I like to think dad has the right genes to live long and prosper. I know I will not be equipped in any wayhmmwhen he decides to go.

BD how's your mum now? I'm sure you have a lot to worry about after she comes out of hospital.

I very much hope I am a goats cheese and roasted onion jam with a few naice leaves from the allotment lightly squeezed between a wholemeal slice handcrafted by Poilane but have a sneaking suspicion I am a chip butty.confused

MrsSchadenfreude Thu 16-May-13 21:41:24

Oh Wilbur sad And happy birthday to your Dad. I miss my Dad. He balanced out my Mum's nastiness, but did nothing to curb how she was - more of a "facilitator."

I am getting very stressed about moving and getting a new job in London. I am calling two people about jobs tomorrow. If I can get one of these, I will relax a bit. We are mad busy at work, and it is all being dumped on me as usual. I asked if someone else could cover some of the work and was told "Oh we think A is on leave and I think B is in a meeting in another building." In other words, they really had no idea where the other senior members of the team were. I didn't leave work till gone 7 yesterday - I had to cover a meeting for Head Honcho because he doesn't trust AB to do these meetings. It's quite flattering, and I know it pisses AB off no end, but it just adds to the workload. HH made soothing noises a couple of months ago when I had a rant to him about all this, and said we needed a senior team lunch to talk things through. He then said that the only day people seemed to have free was Friday, and as everyone worked from home on a Friday except me, this wasn't going to work. I said rather sourly "Neither are they." AB asked me to cover one of his meetings earlier this week as he had someone coming to the house to see about new garage doors (you couldn't make this up). I refused.

bigTillyMint Thu 16-May-13 17:01:12

BD, sounds hopefulsmile Has her speech been affected or is it OK?

My DM doesn't seem to getting gaunt, yet!

Stropperella Thu 16-May-13 16:37:29

BD, the news about your mother sounds like reasonable grounds for optimism.

My dad managed another birthday before he died, so was in fact 97 when he popped his clogs. As you can tell, he was knocking on a bit when I was born and was 60 when my db arrived. We grew up with him telling us he could go at any time. hmm There was only 7 years age difference between him and his MIL, who also lived to 97. My mother was unable to look after her mother because she had to look after my dad. The family maxim is that nobody is even allowed to think of themselves as old until they are 85. My father's little sister turned 100 this year. (However, his brother died at 40.) And as my parents married late I only ever knew one grandparent, as is the case for ds. Dd was close to my dad and also still has another grandparent alive (but over 90) with whom we are not in contact. Less said about that the better.

I don't hugely miss my father and he had, of course, had a good innings. He had charm, wit, intelligence and meant well, but he was also immensely harsh in his judgements and abnormally inflexible in his attitudes, which resulted in a fair bit of misery one way and another. My relationship with my mother is not close exactly, but we have resolved our differences sufficiently to get along perfectly well most of the time as long as we don't spend more than 36 hours in each other's company. However, she is a very good granny (wasn't at first, as dd likes to point out) and the dcs are very fond of her. We sorted out the Power of Attorney thing a few years back.

Wilbur, sending you {{hugs}}. It must be very hard to get past feeling cheated when your parents are gone too soon.

Blackduck Thu 16-May-13 15:43:31

Oh Wilber such a sad post. My nan went on to 97 and I have just been telling my mum she needs to buck her ideas up as she has a few more years in her yet! (Boring update - yes stroke which triggered something - heart attack perhaps too strong a word. CT clear, echo clear, will be put on heart meds as no further intervention seems to be needed - hopefully moved out of ITU tomorrow)
I get a lot of my identity from my parents but am also aware that some of my less good bits (lack of confidence) come from them too..,

I still can't bear the thought of losing either of them much as I know we are on borrowed time. I just tell ds he is VERY luck to have known both sets of grandparents.

MI - love your sandwich - I think it is very appropriate smile

motherinferior Thu 16-May-13 15:28:58

Happy birthday to your dad, Wilbur. Like BTM I have v conflicting feelings about my own parents...
I am a rather messy hummus and felafel in pita with LOTS of chilli sauce.

herbaceous Thu 16-May-13 15:21:38

Oh Wilbur. That's so sad. They do say you're never a grown up until your parents die, but whenever it comes it seems to leave us feeling orphaned.

I was, and in some ways still am, so incredibly close to my parents, and relied on them for so much of my identity, perhaps too much, that when they go I fear quite a lot of me will go with them.

So, Wilbur, maybe having them longer would not have made you stronger. Who knows.

I have issues I feel I should raise with my mum, for my own 'healing', but I know I never will as I don't want to upset her. And I'm not an American.

bigTillyMint Thu 16-May-13 14:50:54

Wilbur, how sad that your beloved parents went before their time.

For me it was my aunty (no relation, family friend) - I still miss her so much and she died 27 years ago.

I don't know how I will feel when my mum goes - we are not really that close, but I guess it will still be a shock. I just felt relieved when my dad died (alcoholic who died about 20 years ago)sad

rubyrubyruby Thu 16-May-13 14:28:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wilbur Thu 16-May-13 14:19:28

I have such mixed emotions when I read about the sandwich generation - and please don't think this is designed to make anyone feel bad about complaining about parents, but it's something I rarely talk about in RL so it's nice to bore the crepeys with it discuss it with kind friends. As mine are both dead, I have no top covering to my sandwich - my salt beef and pickle has been exposed to the elements for quite a while now, and it sucks. On the one hand, I will never have to put my parents in a home (had to get a lot of carer-type help for my dad, which was bad enough) or see them lose their faculties - and that is a blessing I am aware of as I have friends with aging folks and watch them make agonising decisions, moving house, changing jobs, all sorts of things, in order to be able to cope with their resposibilities to their parents. I know that if they were here, my mum would be driving me crackers in many ways, or I would be complaining about having to traipse down to my Dad's AGAIN. My mum died very suddenly, no pain, which as well-meaning people have assured me is "the best way to go". Lucky her hmm, I guess, but not so lucky those who loved her and who will never get over the shock of losing someone without any kind of warning. And in my case, when I find myself yelling at my kids (as I did last night sad in a style very reminiscent of my temperamental Ma), I wish with all my heart that I had time to sort out a few ishoos with her before she went. And my dad, who was the rock and safety of my childhood, turned out also to be the provider of my backbone, and took an enormous amount of my confidence with him when he went. I often wonder if they had lived longer, would I have found my own two feet earlier, or would I never have found them at all?

I don't know what I'm trying to say really, only a version of "you don't know what you have til they're gone", but also that I agree with Herbs, no matter when they go, even at 96 (Stropps, how impressive smile), they are still your mum and dad and you will miss them. Today would be my dad's 81st birthday - which is probably contributing the length of this drivel) and I am allowing myself a small unrealistically idealistic daydream about him being here to watch ds1 play cricket and tell me everything will be ok.

bigTillyMint Thu 16-May-13 12:04:06


My mum was 34 when she had me (exactly the same age-gap as DD and I) - now 82 and my dad 39 I think, but he died years ago. She has always been in good health for her age, but is getting rather dodery now.

I am going to have to have the Power of Attorney conversation with her when we go up at half-termhmm

Stropperella Thu 16-May-13 12:01:08

Herbs, those knickers ... look a little ... warm.

Stropperella Thu 16-May-13 11:59:58

Forgot to mention the remaining top slice is rising 83 and off to Lisbon on (yet another) art history jolly next week. My ma's health is not splendid (she has been snarfing blood pressure tablets for the last 30 years) but she aims to do as much as she can, whilst she still can, because she knows it can all change at any time.

Blackduck Thu 16-May-13 10:57:23

My mum was 30 when she had me, I was 38 when I had ds.... My dad was 25. The top slice of the sandwich, up til now has been great (apart from the general slowing down), but I think dp and I see the gaunt process in them far more than our siblings because we see less of them (A kind of reverse 'my how you've grown')

I would like to be Roquefort, grape and rocket, but suspect I am value cheddar and cheap (not branstons) pickle....

Nice knickers Herbs.... smile

herbaceous Thu 16-May-13 10:49:13

My dad was nearly 40 when I was born, and I was 43 when DS was born, so I've now got an 87-year-old dad too. Both parents are determined not to be a burden, so the top part of my sandwich is yet to compress my filling too much. I'm pastrami, with mustard and dill. And rocket.

On a more frivolous, yet sobering note, I'm on the hunt for some long-line knickers to enable me to wear skirts and dresses without chafing my inner thighs to shreds. Googling, I came upon these. Note the name of the website.

Stropperella Thu 16-May-13 10:09:38

Keeping my fingers crossed that you get some positive news today, BD. Remember to look after yourself!

My dad was 96 and on his last legs when ds was born. He died when ds was 10 and a half months. Dh's mum also died in the same year. I tried to be Superwoman that year and I've spent a lot of years since paying for it.

As for being the sandwich generation, well what filling are you? I'd like to see myself as upmarket avocado salad with an interesting sauce, but I suspect I'm actually a cheese slice from Lidl. smile

rubyrubyruby Thu 16-May-13 08:54:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beachyhead Thu 16-May-13 08:25:00

Best wishes for today, BD. We really are the sandwich generation, aren't we.

My dm had me at almost 40, and I had dd2 at almost 40, so I now have a 7 yo and an 84 yo dad above and below me. It's very hard to meet the needs of all the generations.

bigTillyMint Thu 16-May-13 07:55:25

BD, fingers crossed all goes well today for you and your mum.

Was out last night with friends and the conversation turned to the frailties of our parents.... Though my first thought when Mrs T died was not "it's getting closer"wink

Blackduck Thu 16-May-13 05:40:40

Morning all. They are apparently still arguing over whether it was a stroke or a heart attack, has symptoms of both, but test inconclusive. Having more tests today and possible angiogram (not sure they can attach much more to her).
CV know exactly what you mean, when Mrs T died my first thought was along the lines of 'its getting closer'.
I guess part of the shock is if I'd have picked anyone for this it would have been my dad or dp's mum, not my mum.
Anyway thanks again all, hope various domestic appliance and other crisis are being sorted.
Alto hope dh is feeling better.
MrsS hope AB is behaving himself.

alto1 Wed 15-May-13 22:37:27

Blackduck very sorry to hear this. Sounds complicated, but glad it's not a cerebral haemorrhage at least. Hard on you, look after yourself (easier said than done)

herbaceous Wed 15-May-13 22:15:28

Even at our great age it still shakes is to the core when our parents scare us like this, doesn't it. Keep on keeping on BD.

MrsSchadenfreude Wed 15-May-13 21:47:53

Blackduck - how awful for you all. Have a glass of wine and an early night if you can.

Cremolafoam Wed 15-May-13 21:43:53

They do CV, they do. I feel like the poster girl for The Sandwich Generation.
Or more likely this wiki definition:

Saggy and crinkly, like crepe paper.

Oh BD hmm I hope you can get some proper sleep tonight and that dm continues to improve.

Have spent the evening working out the shortfall in dds student finance plan. And looking grimly at last years P60. Where the heck am I going to conjure up the deficit of £ 5000 a year ?

Keep calm and carry on ( gulps)

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