I feel so stupid(2 Posts)
I had my 3 year old son when I was 21, before that I was in and out of crappy minimum wage jobs and had drink and drug issues. Being pregnant with my son helped me to sort my life out, I've gone back to college and done an access course and now at uni. We have moved away from my home town for me to go to uni and I feel so selfish because he misses his family. I'm a lone parent and his dad doesn't really bother and I just felt there wasn't much going for us in our home town so I moved for uni to a really nice area where my son will have a better upbringing/schools/standard of life. He will thank me later.
But I can't help somehow feeling resentful of him. My parents didn't bother much with me and were the reason I did not go to uni in my younger years or care much about my education. Now I am absolutely loving uni and being in education but I feel like my son takes up so much time I can't fully focus. Which is horrible, he is the priority and everything should work around him. If it wasn't for having him I could be in a ditch dead or in a very bad way so I don't know why I feel this way. I feel like a lot of my childhood is catching up with me and I suffer depression anxiety and OCD. I love him more than anything but I feel like I don't bond with him, I don't love him enough, I don't do enough, I'm not good enough for him. I feel like I can't be bothered to do anything and his age is so challenging at the moment I can't help but feel I wish I wasn't a mum
No judging please I've been scared to talk about this. Just need some encouragement and support. I do not like counselling and too scared to talk somebody face to face
I think what you're feeling is entirely normal tbh. You are 24 and this is the time when you should be free and single and partying and studying and doing all the things 20 year old's should do. But you can't.
However what you are doing is making a life for yourself and your son and you should be very proud of what you are achieving. Of course you're jealous of the freedom other students have and you want to be able to do that. but just because you can't do that now, it doesn't mean you'll never do it! And you don't have to be either 100% focused on studying on you OR 100% on your son. Find the balance -it is there, you just need to learn to feel OK about not being 100% - none of us are you know.
And trust me - you've got plenty of time ahead of you to enjoy study, work, jobs, your child.
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