My husband has quit and is VILE

(22 Posts)
Mammyofonlyone Tue 25-Jul-17 23:11:21

Help! I'm just after reassurance I think. My husband quit smoking about four months ago. He has smoked about 20/day pretty much his whole life and almost 'depended' on it to get him through most situations. Needless to say, I am massively proud of him and delighted this time that his attempt to quit seems to have worked. Something about it Definitely seems different this time and I really think he's going to do it.

However, he has become really moody and aggressive. At first he used patches which really helped and gradually downgraded them until he felt he didn't need them anymore. But he just gets really angry (not in a physical way at all) and can be really nasty and aggressive. He flies off the handle at relatively minor things and when he talks to me sometimes it's as if he really doesn't like me and thinks I'm a nasty person out to hurt or be mean to him. On the rare occasions he is willing to discuss this I have asked if he has a problem with me in general, or doesn't love me anymore/thinks I'm a bad person, which he fervently denies. On one occasion he did apologise and say he only 'took it out on me' because he knew he could. I should also stress he is generally a kind and caring husband and father and say he has never shown any signs of violence, it's just what he says to me at the moment. Even the look on his face is as if he can't stand me.

Sorry for the long post but it's really worrying me. I just want to know, is this normal for someone giving up smoking? Thank you

OP’s posts: |
Mammyofonlyone Wed 26-Jul-17 08:54:13

Is it just me then????!

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDecorating Wed 26-Jul-17 09:05:51

This has nothing to do with the fact he no longer smokes Mammy (and I don't mean that in a "you shouldn't be posting on this board" way), I actually think you would really benefit from posting on the relationships board though flowers

Needsomeflapjacks Wed 26-Jul-17 09:08:54

Sounds like my exh. . He decided to stop smoking at the start of the school summer holidays some years ago. . . confused
Made him an even bigger twat.......

thesunwillout Wed 26-Jul-17 09:12:13

Have to disagree, I've given up and it's been awful. Rage, tears, depressed feeling. It's shocked me how volatile my reactions have been tbh.
I'm about 4 months in but went cold turkey. I've improved mood wise and hopefully your dh will in time.
This doesn't mean I think it's ok to be shitty to you btw.
I hated feeling so all over the place, and at times thought the only thing was to start up again.

Mammyofonlyone Wed 26-Jul-17 18:24:15

Thanks sun. His mood overall must be better as he has finished with the patches now (when he first quit he was a horror if he didn't wear one) but I just wish he would hurry up and get back to his normal self. As I said, he is a great person but this non smoking is really bringing out this random rage and it's really hard to deal with.

Well done to you too on having quit, that's a massive deal. I hope you continue to find it easier and enjoy the benefits of non smoking!

Thank you again for your post, it has reassured me and made me feel better whilst I continue to wait for him to come out the other side

OP’s posts: |
TartanDMs Thu 10-Aug-17 17:26:40

I hope you don't mind me posting here. My husband has also recently quit, he had his last cigarette 9 days ago after starting on a course of Champix. He smoked for 50 years since the age of 9, and smoked between 30 to 40 a day. He was admitted to hospital with pneumonia in July and it scared him stiff so he asked to see the smoking cessation nurse and has been doing really well.

He has been a little grumpy and I have put that down to withdrawal (he stopped drinking energy drinks at the same time after drinking at least 2 a day for a few years so he's also withdrawing from caffeine). He says he hasn't really had cravings as such, but has found himself becoming restless and bored.

What has worried me though is he hasn't slept for more than a couple of hours since stopping smoking. He has also had blinding headaches and nausea, and is off food. I don't know if that's because he's been so unwell with the pneumonia, or a side effect of the medication, or the withdrawal of the nicotine. When your DH packed up, was he physically unwell during the first few weeks, or just antagonistic? I can live with the narkiness (it is bearable and he isn't aggressive or unreasonable) but the physical symptoms worry me.

McCheese Fri 11-Aug-17 08:09:15

I quit smoking on 31st July last year (8.30pm if anyone's asking).

I wanted a baby and felt that was the single biggest incentive I would need as I've tried numerous times before and failed. So I now have a beautiful 6 week old daughter and haven't smoked for over a year 👍

However, in those first few weeks and even months I was VILE! All day at work all my stresses and tempers had to be reined in and as soon as I got home I took it all out on my poor DP. It probably didn't help I was pregnant very shortly after quitting tbf either.

I think what a lot of non smokers don't realise is that when a smoker gets angry or stressed, they will often taken themselves off for a cig to calm down and the whole process of leaving the area, rolling cig, thinking things through, deep (toxic!) breaths in and works!

So when that is taken do we deal with anger? My problem was I didn't, I just let it fester all day.

I won't excuse his behaviour as it's not right to take it out on you and my partner managed to quit without being horrible to me, but some of us are having to relearn a skill and it takes time.

That said he's still being a dick just like I was. Giving up smoking is hard. One of the hardest things I've done anyway

McCheese Fri 11-Aug-17 08:13:58

To tartan: champix (sp) is a horrendous drug and your DP should have been told about side effects? Nausea and insomnia are common and nurse would even prescribe it for me despite trying to quit numerous times as I was trying to get pregnant and could damage pregnancy

BarGirl Fri 11-Aug-17 08:28:39

My partner has been off his 30-40 day habit since June 1st.
He has a vape and it's been brilliant. No mood swings , temper etc unlike when he tried the previous year on patches.

TartanDMs Fri 11-Aug-17 10:07:57

He may have been told about the side effects but was quite unwell when they spoke to him at the hospital so it's possible he didn't retain the information - the pharmacist didn't say anything other than instruct him on how to take it. He's tried Zyban and patches before but they didn't really help, the patches made him really ill because he smoked while on them and then overdosed on nicotine. He couldn't get on with a vape, he has tried a couple of them including a quite expensive one with variable flow, but disliked the experience. The Champix is working at least, at least if the side effects are causing his nausea and insomnia there's a chemical reason for it and not a physical reason if that makes sense.

TartanDMs Fri 11-Aug-17 11:45:08

He's just had a phone catch up with the stop smoking nurse and she has advised he takes the tablets with food (and takes the second one earlier to reduce the insomnia effect). Fingers crossed!

Orangebird69 Fri 11-Aug-17 11:47:08

Try a 0% nicotine vape?

1Woody123 Sat 05-Oct-19 18:34:54

Good evening sorry I know this post is really old but trying to reach for some one in the same boat.

We are only few days in , he's horrid to be about ,so self centred and in his own world.

I have no idea what to do I need some help and guidance so I don't run myself down.

EllaRai Fri 01-Nov-19 11:13:19


I am also now in the same situation my partner quit 3 days ago and everything is an issue this is his 3rd time quitting since being together so I know it does get easier eventually but its really hard. He thinks I know nothing because I have never smoked but I see what it does and how it effects him, only this time I am pregnant so its even harder to deal with!

restingbitchfacenot Sun 17-Nov-19 22:05:54

@TartanDMs that's all a side effect of the medication I'm afraid. Please support him in his struggle. That medication is horrific. I've recently stopped smoking, I paid for a programme which has been amazing and I don't want to smoke ever again but I can tell you, I haven't slept well, I'm sweating buckets at night, I've lost over a stone in a weight, my head hurts, my chest hurts, my temper is insane to the point I've thought I have bipolar, I've had suicidal thoughts. Looked in the mirror the other day and just started crying about how crap my life 'is' than got over it in 5 minutes. Flipped out at my 15 year old for leaving one poxy sock on the floor in the living room. The list is endless but it will pass I know it will.
I'm sorry you're on the receiving end of it but it will pass with time.
What helps me is walking and music. Lots of walking in nature really helps me and constantly apologising to everyone.
They will pull through! X

restingbitchfacenot Sun 17-Nov-19 22:08:47

@TartanDMs he MUST take them with food, mainly breakfast. In fact, I mastered a way of getting rid of nausea. Take the tablets with orange juice. Also vaping is a bad choice considering how many people are dropping dead from the liquid build up in the lungs.

Newlywed2019 Wed 04-Dec-19 23:45:25

I am so relieved to read these , we got married 8 weeks ago almost and everything was fine until 3 weeks ago , he is like l living with a different person. He is horrible to be.. picking holes in everything I do or say... Getting really anger and Shouting .. this is so out of character.. I feel so out of sorts, really started to think he was having second thoughts about our marriage , and when I try an talk to him he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong . He is on patches..

Sbltr Sun 08-Mar-20 18:43:30

I’m going through it too, only it’s been a couple days. I quit 2 years ago so I understand how horrible the first months are. He has been using a patch and cutting back significantly on cigarettes weening off...Literally anything I say he flips out on me and tells me I have an attitude and I’ve been crappy “all weekend.” We just had a baby and we’ve gotten into like three fights in two days about minuscule things. I am too emotional for this.

Hopeful5million Sun 08-Nov-20 10:34:20

Hey sbtlr, I know this is an old thread, maybe you’re still active, did it get better? In same situation, husband quit 8 months ago! 😱 and still on patches, now we have a five lonth old baby. But husband gets so angry over nothing and seems to take everything out on me, his mood swings can last for multiple days! Will it get better?

Inch5h3l Mon 30-Nov-20 21:31:53

I'm also looking for reassurance. My partner goes through cycles of giving up for a few months then starting again. He's like a different person on & off the cigarettes, so angry when he's on patches sad

Hopeful5million Wed 02-Dec-20 20:27:54

Hi inch! 8.5 months of patches now 😱 it’s the same here, totally different person, there are times when he’s his normal self, but he’s just so quick to anger, always up for an argument and speaks to me with this horrible tone. Having said that I’ve just been trying extra hard recently to keep my calm, not react, just give him his space until he’s calmed down and then later I approach him and try to point out that I think his overreacting and mood swings are because he’s kicked the habit, I have had a few apologies so I think he’s starting to see it himself and trying to control it better, but when he has those angry moments there is just no reasoning with him, it’s like he thinks I’m his enemy! I have to just stay calm and bite my tongue until he’s calmed down. Let me know if you guys find a better solution. I’ve suggested maybe he try without the patches and go cold turkey but he won’t, he’s convinced he needs the patches. There must be another way, some medicine or something! I just want to be happy and enjoy life.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in