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School runs. Can't be in 2 places at once.

(158 Posts)
needaholidaynow Tue 13-May-14 23:18:41

Not looking forward to DP putting this to his ex, but...

DP has been offered a job, and we are absolutely ecstatic as he has been unemployed for a while now. Best news we've had for a while!

DS1 has started nursery recently and he has settled in really well. He absolutely loves it. It is also a very special time for me as I enjoy taking him and picking him up. He finishes at 3:30 every day.

DP has DSD 3/4 nights a week, which involves school pick ups. DP has obviously been Picking her up and taking her on his days and I have done it on a few occasions, but can't for him now as I have to pick DS1 up.

DP's job means that he will not be able to do any school runs at all. His ex works 9-3 everyday, so whilst she cannot take DSD to school she is available to pick her up as school finishes at 3:30. She manages to get there on her days, so would DP be unreasonable to ask her to pick DSD up on his days as well, meaning every day she will have to do it? I don't think it is fair or reasonable to expect me to do it as I an not available due to picking DS1 up.

The nursery is about 20 mins away by foot from DSD's school. There is no other nursery nearby the school, and plus the nursery is nearby to us so it made sense that he goes there. I can't be in 2 places at once and seeing as both DS and DSD finish at 3:30 what can I possibly do? I can take DSD to school no problem, it's just the picking up that I can't do.

I could pick DSD up from her mum's on my way home from picking DS up. It makes financial sense for DP to take this job. It will benefit the children and surely that's a good thing?

I'm just waiting for the "Needaholiday should have to do it" "Nursery education isn't compulsory" "can't she get her dad to pick DS up while she goes for DSD?" (bearing in mind my dad works) from ILs and possibly DP's ex.

FreeSpirit89 Tue 13-May-14 23:44:19

There no harm in asking, of course she can say no. Is it not possible for you to pick ur DS up at say 3. Then go together and collect DSD.

Or see if you can collect DS at 4pm (my nursary are open til 5.30pm so we can pay extra if we're running late or need a one off day)

soundevenfruity Tue 13-May-14 23:58:45

What would you do if she was your biological (not step) daughter?

SueDNim Wed 14-May-14 00:06:51

Is there an after school club she could go to? I think you need to act as an independent family on your DP's days.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 14-May-14 00:13:07

Pick DS up early or arrange for friend/childminder/after school club on days that DSD is with you.

Do you know for sure that ex doesn't eg stay on a bit at work/get her own things done when she's not picking up. It's not about you having to do it, it's about your household arranging it.

brdgrl Wed 14-May-14 01:30:06

What would you do if she was your biological (not step) daughter?
She's not, though. I think that's kind of the point. It isn't her responsibility.

I think it is still DH's responsibility to sort it out on his days. If it were me, I think I'd be considering using some of the increased income to deal with this - maybe a childminder to do the pickup? Or afterschool club for an hour for DSD?

Of course, I've also seen enough posts from mums here who would want "right of first refusal" - maybe the mum would welcome the chance to pick up her DD and loves that chore as much as you do with your DS. Up to her, really, but the ultimate responsibility is with her dad.

purpleroses Wed 14-May-14 02:06:22

I think it is up to your DP to find someone to collect DSD on his days. He can ask his ex if she's be up for it but she's free to say no of it doesn't suit her. Of she does then your DP can pay for an after school club or a childminder or make an arrangement with a friend to collect her on his days.

It's not strictly your job but if you've made a collective decision that he will earn the money to support you both and you will do the childcare then you should look to see if you can help. Some nurseries are happy for you to collect a bit early, or DSD might be able to go to a friend's until you can get her.

purpleroses Wed 14-May-14 02:07:16

Sorry about the typing in that

needaholidaynow Wed 14-May-14 03:14:49

If DSD was my daughter then she wouldn't even be at that school as it is a faith school, and would be at the school that DSs nursery is connected to.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I think picking DS up earlier (3:00) sounds like a good idea. Would a school nursery allow me to do this? I'm quite happy to pick DSD up, but only if that isn't at DS1's expense and he's left waiting for me.

Of course DP will ask his ex. She can only say no cant she? smile

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 14-May-14 06:18:31

I think your point in your OP wasn't "she can only say no" but that she would say other things you weren't happy with.

Is your DP going to ask along the lines of "we plan to cover this by picking DS up 30 mins early but if you were willing to fetch DSD instead then we'd be very appreciative, have a think and let me know either way"

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 14-May-14 06:26:52

Will they continue to go to different schools? How will you manage when they are both at school and you can't pick DS up early?

meditrina Wed 14-May-14 06:44:50

I didn't notice this was in "steps" to being with, having concentrated more on th title.

Because this sort of logistic problem is really common FI all sorts of families.

You are actually lucky, because in addition to the standard range of excuses, you have the ex you can ask. But you cannot count on anyone doing such a massive favour as regular school pick ups.

Your (or rather DP's if you see this, as some posters do, as not really your responsibility) other options are asking other friends or other family if they can help out, seeing if there are other parents walking your way back who don't mind bringing an extra one; using an after-school school club, or an after-school nanny; or finding a CM.

Who takes DSD to school now on ex's days btw?

As other posts have said, when your DS goes to school, you will not be able to vary pick up times (and it sounds as if you don't want him to go to the same one), so DP needs to get this sorted soon.

MaryWestmacott Wed 14-May-14 06:53:01

If your DP wasn't with you, or if you had a full time, office hours job, then you'd have to use childcare, so explore that first. An afterschool club or childminder for an hour. Line that up first then offer exp the extra time instead. If you already have a solution and are clear you are prepared to pay for it, then you are just offering her the time if she wants it, not asking her to do this for you. She might well like not being tied to the school run on your days, and resent losing her time off.

MrsSeelyBooth Wed 14-May-14 06:57:40

Your DP can ask his EX, but if she can't/won't, then it is down to him to arrange something else.

Is there an afterschool club in the school that she can go to until your DP finishes work? prices can vary, but he should be able to cover the cost now he is working.

Inertia Wed 14-May-14 07:00:07

Surely as your DP's circumstances have changed, then it's up to him to arrange after school club or childminder if necessary. Best to discuss with dsd's mother first, as she may prefer to do pickup herself rather than have their dd in childcare.

meditrina Wed 14-May-14 07:01:32

Also, as you say DS1, I'm assuming there is a DS2 or more, so it might help you to see this as the wayfinding for likely conflicting pick ups between school and nursery when it is those two, or when their after school activites don't match, or all the many other reason that tend to crop up (far too often).

ALifeOfPie Wed 14-May-14 07:06:31

I don't think it is reasonable to get DP's ex to do pickup on days when DSD is coming to you, sorry. I wouldn't even ask. If DP and his ex are really sharing properly then DP (with your help) needs to be fully responsible on his days, not passing the buck on the inconvenient bits.

Most nurseries have flexible pickup times, surely you could arrange to pickup at a different time than 3:30 - nursery isn't like school where everyone leaves at the same time. If this isn't true then you'll need to look at using a childminder for one or other of the pickups.

Basically on the days DSD is your and DPs responsibility, you need to structure your lives and act in the same way as you would if she was permanently and every day part of your family unit living with you.

Artandco Wed 14-May-14 07:08:09

Either pick up your son at 3 from nursery


Pay for her to attend after school care until 4pm

meditrina Wed 14-May-14 07:10:43

Just spotted weird DYAC form my earlier post.

It's not "range of excuses". It was meant to be "range of options"

jaynebxl Wed 14-May-14 07:16:03

How old is dsd? Is she old enough to start walking on her own from school towards the nursery and you meet her half way once you have collected your dc?

And what's DYAC?

Alonglongway Wed 14-May-14 07:18:14

Would the option of being collected by mum and then picked up by you be tough for DSD? Sounds choppy and potentially hard on a tired child.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 14-May-14 07:18:46

LifeOfPie, I think asking is different when an alternative solution is already arranged and it's more of a "just to let you know that we plan to do X.but if you would prefer to pick DSD up and us collect her from you, that's fine"

Having said that, if OP and DH sort out after school care now for DSD, that can remain in place once DS goes to school.

MirandaWest Wed 14-May-14 07:18:55

I'd explain the situation to her and see what she says. As a RP whose DC spend a night or two per week with XH generally I pick them up from school because I am able to and because he's at work. I then take them along to his office after work, or he comes and picks them up from his house. To me it would seem churlish for the DC to go to after school club or a childminder when there is a parent able to pick up.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 14-May-14 07:19:40

...and then it's all within their control if eg e. Gets a different job and can't help them any more.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 14-May-14 07:20:55

E. Was supposed to be ex

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