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im torn

(61 Posts)
longtether Sat 17-Aug-13 07:06:01

I have two lovely step kids but I just resent them existing so much. If it wasnt for them I could have dps first child and we could be a proper family with no added issues and dramas and baggage that comes along with step kids. I just resent them so much I hate it when we do anything with them because it should be our children we're doing everything with not some other lasses. When my children come along it won't be special to dp. He'll have done everything before he has got a boy and a girl it will be nothing new to him. I was hoping when I had children he'd be less excited about seeing them selfish I know but its more likely any children of mine will be the other ones and get left out. I love him and don't have the strength to leave him but why should my children come second fiddle to kids he didn't even want?!

Spottypurse Sat 17-Aug-13 07:08:36

I could not be with someone who felt like you do about my kids. Do the decent thing and leave your DP.

ElBombero Sat 17-Aug-13 07:16:55

Wow longtether. As you've no children you can't understand that every single child is special and unique, saying your kids won't be special cos he already has them is wrong, he, I hope, would love them all equally and fully.

To sound very unstable. To say you resent them existing is cruel, they didn't ask to be put in this situation, poor loves. I think you either need to work on accepting, caring and enjoying them or leave him because you will turn into the resented one not them.

theredhen Sat 17-Aug-13 07:27:05

If you had children with him, they would be just as special to him as his first children. Lots of people have more than two children in bio families so having a boy and a girl obviously isn't the be all and end all for a lot of people.

It is possible that he could be "closer" to the children you have together if he's with them all the time and contact is minimal with kids from his first family but you couldn't expect him to love them more or less.

AngelinaCongleton Sat 17-Aug-13 07:32:39

Seriously, if you feel like that now, its not going to get better with more children in the mix. For everyone's sake think carefully.

IsThatTrue Sat 17-Aug-13 07:39:00

Good god I hope you're not my dcs stepmum.

How sad for those children.

I think you need to sort your head out or leave your dp.

SoupDragon Sat 17-Aug-13 07:46:23

Holy crap!

You need to take a long hard look at yourself. Imagine someone saying those things about your children.

FrussoHathorAKADaisythecow Sat 17-Aug-13 08:34:19

If you have a relationship with someone that has children you need to, at the very least, accept these children as part of your family. And if you cannot do this, because these children will always be part of his life, for yheir sake and for your sake, you need to walk awake from him and this jealousy before it consumes you.
You are still young, you have plenty of time to have a relationship with someone who doesn't have an ex wife and children.
This issue will not go away.

JumpingJackSprat Sat 17-Aug-13 08:47:04

i dont say this easily but you should think about leaving him or youre going to end up damaging those children. theyre not "some other lasses" theyre his children. sometimes i have a fleeting thought that life would be easier if dp didnt already have a son but id never wish his funny, bright, affectionate sweet boy away. reading your post it makes me realise actually im probably doing ok. but you sound so bitter about the poor children who didnt ask for any of this.

changeforthebetter Sat 17-Aug-13 08:56:57

God I hope you don't ever date my X hmm

Leave this family alone. You sound a bit poisonous and I think you could do with talking to someone about why you feel like this. It's really not normal.

NachoAddict Sat 17-Aug-13 09:04:15

If your dp knew how you feel about his children I bet he would be off like a shot. I think you should end this relationship, those children aren't going anywhere and the resentment will fester and get worse.

SuperMariosSister Sat 17-Aug-13 09:07:46

I don't think its fair on any of you to stay with this man, those children won't ever go away they will always be his children. we have no children together but three between us, neither of us resent any of them for being the others first child/boy/girl we love them and their different personalities if you can't do that then it isn't fair to stay

WaitingForMe Sat 17-Aug-13 09:13:58

Seriously? After you leave this man (which you really must), I think you need to grow up a bit before considering a child of your own as no child will fit your idealised view of a family.

Ledkr Sat 17-Aug-13 09:19:19

Get a grip woman!
You are seriously jealous of children?
You need to get some help with this even if you don't stay with him.
Even if he had no kids he'd have a family and friends he'd want to have time with.
This idealic view you have of life with him and your chikdren is just not a possibility so you'd better find someone who's free to indulge you.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sat 17-Aug-13 10:03:22

longtether some men do feel like that about their DCs. They have one, and then the novelty wears off, and subsequent DCs (regardless of whether they are with the same mum or not) are disregarded and ignored.

Fortunately, these type of men are in the minority. Most Dads adore and dote on their babies and DCs equally - regardless of how many they have. It is sad that your DP is not one of these, but lucky that you have discovered it now and can walk away before having DCs with him.

One day you will find a man who you are confident will love all his DCs with all his heart.

lunar1 Sat 17-Aug-13 10:10:59

You posted this in larger families last week didn't you? I really hope it was you anyway, god forbid there are two people out there like you.

Leave him, then grow up, then think about having a family when you are mature enough to deal with everything that entails.

longtether Sat 17-Aug-13 10:32:29

I accept everyone's views and yes I do need mature before any more children come into the mix. And no I have not posted before this is my first post (though I have been reading conversations).

lunar1 Sat 17-Aug-13 10:38:40

Well maybe you should look for te thread in the other topic and talk it through with that poster.

Her boyfriend had a boy and girl he was tricked in to having too. The op wanted to carry in having children with him till she got a boy and girl too, just to make sure her children were more special than the unwanted first two.

I bet the two of you could have a lovely conversation.

Off to despair at the human race now if there really are two of youhmm

longtether Sat 17-Aug-13 10:56:21

That situation is not unheard of. I know someone who kept trying trying for a girl after she had three boys so I don't see how that is so horrible confused

wrinklyraisin Sat 17-Aug-13 10:58:56

Wow. That's so so sad. You need to leave your DP. His children, whether you like it or not, are part of him and will always be in his life (if he's a good father). I've never ever wished my OH never had his child. I love him more because he's such a good dad. And I love her because she's part of her dad. We are a family. Complex and frustrating at times but a family none the less.

lunar1 Sat 17-Aug-13 11:20:19

Being a step parent has to be the hardest job of any parenting role. I have know many people who feel that if they knew then what they knew now they would have made different decisions at the start and might have walked away.

Even with the most horrific situations both here and in real life though I have only ever known people to wish their own situation to be different, never that they wish the children didn't exist.

If you decide to go ahead and have children when you grow up then you want to hope you can conceive without difficulty, hope that you never experience the loss of a pregnancy and hope for a healthy child at the other side. When you are ready to become a parent the sex of your children doesn't matter. All that matters is that you bring them up in a loving home and do your best. What doesn't matter is producing child after child until you get the right one.

MrsBungle Sat 17-Aug-13 11:27:52

Tell your dp exactly how you feel.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Sat 17-Aug-13 11:28:27

This is so sad sad

Op I really think you need to walk away from your oh, it is unfair on him and his children. They are part of his life and the things you have said about them is just awful. I am a step parent and although at times it is very had I would never wish my ds did not exist.

I mean this in the nicest possible way but please do not have a child with this man, infact please do not have a child with any man until you have grown up a bit and realised that the world does not involve around you.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Sat 17-Aug-13 11:29:04


Eliza22 Sat 17-Aug-13 12:03:46

You have a problem. It is NOT that of your DP and his children.

You are not mature enough for this relationship to work and should leave, seek some counselling and sort your own head out. For everyone's sake.

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