Clothes at the weekend(80 Posts)
I've just been looking on another thread about clothes and is it right for the mum to have to pack a bag eow (a resounding no and flaming of xDH). We have tried a few different options. I suggested we have clothes hear (we always have toiletries, pants, coats) but thing inevitably go back to mums and with the weather being unpredictable and growing to fast to use them only twice a month it's just not worth it. Dh gets skids Friday straight from school so they come in there uniform and bag of clothes. I try to send uniforms back washed and anything else I can.....just wondering what your set up is
We do also take them clothes shopping from time to time and they obviously want to take new gear home which is fine.
I've just had a really odd situation develop with my xH, where I was sending them without a bag but I asked him to return anything that needed washing. I then realised that he was asking the kids to strip at the door, change into 'his' clothes and strip half an hour before coming back to my house, back into the clothes they arrived in. Very upsetting for the kids and just weird of him to be honest - I can't understand why he would see that as a solution rather than just sending back washing... Sorry I've just realised this is a bit of a waffly response to your question and slightly off topic - apologies for long winded reply!
Anyway, our set up now, is that I've
gritted my teeth calmly suggested that if he would like the clothes he has bought kept track of and returned that's no problem. I'll simply label the clothes the kids keep at my house in black permanent pen, and he can label 'his' in red. If a 'red' item turns up at mine, I'll return it, washed at their next visit. They can wear it in the time between visits too, if they want to. He doesn't have to hang onto any of the stuff they come in if he doesn't want to, as I'm happy to have it returned unwashed, on the day.
It's a bloody minefield but I think the important thing is how the kids feel. If they really like something, personally I think it's theirs, not mine or their dads, so they can take it, wear it, use it as they wish. I know that not every NRP is as weird about it as my ex, and not every RP is as ok with washing as me though, so I can't say whether labelling is a simple solution or not. I've yet to see whether xH will actually bother either labelling or returning anything... but the idea of the kids not being allowed to wear their own stuff, just because of washing/who bought it makes me sad.
by *the kids in the last sentence, I mean *our kids btw, not being judgy about anyone elses!
My DCs keep some clothes at their dads and most of them at mine and the clothes all kind of cycle around. Clothes don't normally get carried betweeen houses except if we need to even things out because we've ended up with all the school uniform, etc at one house. It pretty much works, though we live pretty near which helps.
My DSC come to us with a suitcase each weekend - and take it back to their mum's full of dirty clothes on a sunday night. It's a bit of a pain if they don't bring the right stuff (coats, outdoor shoes, etc) so I try and keep a few things for them at ours that tend to get forgotton. Also works OK, and means their DM gets all the laundry (her choice). I always think it must be a pain for the DSC to be living out a suitcase every weekend, but they seem to be used to it.
However the younger DCs don't come straight from school, so this works. Once they're all at secondary, then they'll come straight to us, so it will be more difficult. Will need to revisit.
Oh this is a real bugbear of mine.
My dc go to their Dads with an overnight bag of clothes which come back dirty. They take whatever toys/games they want for the weekend in this bag and it all comes back. Easy.
As for my dsc - ex wife has a rule that NOTHING (and I mean nothing) must travel between houses. We have clothes for them here and she has stuff there. So they arrive in 'Mums' clothes, then wear our stuff all weekend then at 5.30 on Sunday we do the quick strip and change to 'Mums' clothes again. If a sock or pair of pants is muddled up we get abusive texts accusing us of stealing. I have had them in tears worrying that they can't find a sock because "Mummy will get angry"
Its the same with toys everything they have at one house has to be replicated at the other.
Bloody crazy if you ask me!!!
Yes, I didn't think it would be nice for the kids to feel they are "packed off" to ours so tried to keep stuff at ours and have a more home from home feel. Didn't work as stuff goes back. Also tried the coming in one outfit and going in another so it rotates but that didn't work as it limited what we had and the weather might dictate otherwise. The stripping off thing at the door is crazy!
I think a packed bag is ok, the kids choose what they bring, I try to send some backed washes so the ex hasn't got a mass of washing on a Sunday night (don't think she would be to fussed though). I only ask as I saw it on another tread from the other point of view and as I said, the xdh's got flamed but I can't really see another solution, well not for us anyway.
Dose that also mean you have to wash "mums" clothes by the time they go back?
The kids come to us with anything that we purchased which is kept with him (laptops, phones etc) and the clothes they are in (usually school uniform).
We have clothes and toiletries for them here and they go to school from here in the uniform they arrived in (very quick overnight wash if its midweek).
I send my 3 off with a bag. They do have some clothes at their father's house and when these come home I wash them and send them back so that they still have some clothes at their father's house!
In my mind, I am paid child maintenance in order to feed/clothe/house my children. If their father wants to provide extra clothes then that is his choice but I should be responsible for the bulk of it.
That's very reasonable soup. We went through a stage a while back of the kids only really coming with the clothes we had bought. it started to feel like their "uniform for dads house" if you only get the stuff back you buy.
We have clothes/coats/shoes at our house for my DSD who we have overnight every weekend. I wash any of her mums clothes she brings and send them back with DSD in a bag, and she does the same for us when DSD comes back the next weekend.
Works for us
No she doesn't like me washing their clothes. I might contaminate them!!
Soup that is how I feel. I am lucky that my ex buys clothes for them over and above the maintenance - he will buy the more expensive 'designer' type stuff.
I hate it when clothes get washed at their father's house - god knows what combination of powder/softener they use but it stinks and takes a good three washes to get rid of the scent! I'm more than happy for stuff to arrive back dirty.
i find all this incredibly frustrating because you're always wrong, no matter which side of the fence you sit and no matter what you do. I really do think it's a case of suck it and see and work out what works for indivdiual situations.
My ex provides clothes when the children are with him and as we hand over on Saturdays it means I sent in casual clothes and they come back in casual clothes. My general rule is that I send them back in whatever they were sent back in
because my ex has no taste whatsoever and I don't like what he puts the children in 'cos it just seems easier that way. I do my up most to hang onto clothes I like/that cost me more than usual as inevitably those are the clothes I never see again. I am not beyond sending children in worn out/ankle-swinging/mildly stained clothes simply because my ex doesn't look at what the children are wearing in comparison with the activity they are doing and stuff gets ruined. It is easier to deal with it this way than it is to get annoyed at yet another decent item being ruined which inevitably gets his back up and we're arguing unnecessarily. I am sure many a conversation is had with the latest girlfriend about how badly they are dressed but as he doesn't pay maintenance, he doesn't have much of a leg to stand on! From my perspective, it is always damage limitation(to the clothes, getting the most out of my money, to my sanity) and as the children are young, they have yet to complain about what they're wearing. I guess things will change as they grow older.
Dsd arrives on a Friday in her school uniform which gets washed and she puts it back on to go home in. She has enough clothes here to last 3 weeks without washing! She has everything she needs here and brings nothing with her. Occasionally she will take something from here home but we make sure it comes back. Dsd has now been coming every weekend and half all holidays since she was 2 and she will be 12 soon! It's just part of her life and what we do!
Mum&boys, I never thought that the trousers round the ankles thing could be because the kids do tend to be "active" when they are here.
Thanks, that's given me a different perspective, it's all too easy to fall into the "ex is unfair" trap, on both sides.
Our kids wear whatever they like between houses. The clothes are theirs. I buy and ex buys, DP buys and his partner buys. Occasionally we have to text to swap things around if they have 4 school sweaters at one house and none at the other. The key though in our situation is that all 5 of us (me, DP, my ex, his DW, and DP's ex) get on ok and we are able to do this without any hassle.
Occasionally either I or my ex will have bought something particular, and if the DCs wear it to his/mine, we'll just say could you please make sure that comes back - and it's usually only because the DCs will want it again before going again.
Also, ours are more 50/50 than EOW, so it has to be a bit more flexible, as they often go in school stuff but come back in ordinary clothes and vice versa.
Yes, I also never thought of the damage limitation side, although we would be a bit more considerate than to use good clothes in the mucky situations.
not everyone is considerate through, emily, and the other issue is one man's treasure is another man's rubbish and it's hard to know what is/isn't important to the other person. You then magnify that by I couldn't care less what is important to the other person and it's a recipe for disaster! I have long since learned that it's just not worth it - I also find that the less than attractive clothing reappears and the good stuff doesn't...so I'm not buying twice, or three times, or more.... I have learnt from bitter, bitter experience, believe me!
My DSS travels in school uniform or, when handovers happen in holidays, clothes that he grew out of about 3 years ago and usually have holes in. He brings literally nothing with him despite DH paying massively over the odds in maintenance as well as paying for extras. It's really sad but when we used to send him back in nice clothes, that was the last we saw of them. It's just too expensive to buy a new outfit every other weekend, on top of high maintenance costs.
I wonder what DSS will think of this as he gets older...
We have a 50/50 set up, wed after sch -> Fri pm, and then wed pm-> mon to sch.
Dss has 5 sets of uniform, 2 at each house, and a floating set which travels, depending which house he's doing 3 mornings at, if ygwim. Actually, his mum has 4, because she lost the first lot in the black hole of laundry, although bits resurface. She's just chaotic
Each house provides home clothes, and these are returned whenever they come over. She's a bit funny about them, because she buys from new. Here, they're mostly hand downs. Usually she sends him over in old/too small, even mufti days, if he's with us in the am, he'll change here!
Mostly he moves between the 2 in uniform.
My ds packs a bag and has literally nothing at his dads, not even a toothbrush. I have had issues where my non maintenance paying ex would let ds go and play in mud in brand new trainers and ruin them. Personally I think he should provide some basics, a t shirt, some track suit bottoms, underwear and pjs. He never has but on the plus side ds has learnt to be very efficient with bag packing and remembering things and is brilliant compared to my dsc when it comes to holidays.
My dsc have everything provided for them, in fact when dsd2 moved in, we had to buy her nothing as she already had a complete wardrobe, bedroom, uniform etc. we have to provide everything and send nothing back apart from what they came in (usually uniform) after being washed.
The cost of providing shoes, coats, sports equipment, swimming costumes, wellies, trainers etc (when they don't get used much) is silly in my opinion, when dp pays maintenance and ex lives a few miles away.
The current issue around clothing is that dsd1 is now 17 and freely takes all clothes "between" homes. In reality this means we provide all her clothes, then they all end up at mums and she then tried to demand dp picks her up from school because its raining and her coat (that we bought) has never been back to ours apart from the day we bought it. Basically we provide all her clothes which then live at mums. Thankfully dp has cottoned onto this and a. Makes her walk home now regardless (its her choice to leave her coat at mums)and b. makes her buy her own clothes from her earnings from a new part time job she has.
I think I was the one that started the last thread.When I started it it was because ex was coming to my house letting himself in to collect the clothes and as it has since turned out having a bloody good nose.Any way since then I've had the keys back and over the last few weeks feel that things have improved.I went to primark and bought loads of cheap and cheerful basics which the kids love so now I just send them with clothes and encourage them to keep them at his house in the hopes that he will realise he needs to buy some more as the seasons change.I can't stand the idea of them being uncomfortable and I feel like I've been the bigger person.I try to pick up a few bits as I can afford to.I get the impression he is a bit pissed off that it's primark stuff but that's his problem.They are dressed and clean It will be interesting over the summer hols though as they are going to mil for a bit and I know she loves showing them off in fancier stuff.I don't intend to send the nicer stuff as invariably it will be trashed and not washed properly.Im waiting to see if I get any help with new school uniform and shoes this September some how I doubt it.
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