Lose Lose Situation!(87 Posts)
You don't have to justify yourself. What's best for your children is really none of her business. Why was she even told the reason you couldn't make it? Of course your children's well-being is your first priority; that's as it should be and anyone who has a problem with it is being completely unreasonable.
TBH I don't see the big issue about it. Her dad is there - if it was you going and dad couldn't make it I'd kind of understand the kick-up. But really?
You can't expect a 2 year-old to 'switch off' that's just not possible. How would she react if during the performance your DS plays up due to boredom?
As long as DSD knows that you'd really like to go, but don't want your little DSs to spoil the show for her by acting up, then that's all that matters. With school plays etc they usually ask if possible not to bring younger siblings as they can disrupt the performance, so you are doing entirely the right thing, not just for your DSs (who, lets face it, won't really appreciate the show and will just get bored of sitting still) but also for all the performers.
When I started to read your post I thought it was going to say that DSD's mum didn't want you there (that seems the more common response) so its actually quite nice that she wants you to attend and sees you as an important person in her DD's life. Perhaps she's more annoyed that the ILs aren't going either and feels sad for DD that there won't be many she knows in the audience, but they will be the two most important people, so she's lucky they can both be there. Perhaps you could suggest a little treat like all of you going out for a meal afterwards to show your support?
No matter what reason there is for you not being able to go, it seems absolutely outrageous that your DSD mother is dictating what your involvement in her DD's life should be
It really does seem that Step-mums can't do right for wrong; it's almost as if we lose our own identity when we commit to a man who has children from a previous relationship - and no matter how we feel, what we think, or what we believe, we are expected to fulfil the expectations of our DSC parents/grandparents/friends/strangers at the expense of our own lives.
holiday - it's time you put yourself and your DC's first. So what if your DP's ex is giving him grief about you? That's not your concern; it's her problem, and if he is prepared to give her airtime and headspace, then he can seek support he needs from someone other than you.
Wow - so strange hearing an ex say that rather than the usual 'You're not a parent - you shouldn't be going. You mean nothing to MY daughter blah blah..' Not nice for you OP at all - just find it odd that a mother is angry that you are NOT going!!
As long as you make it clear to your lovely SD that you want to go and explain why you can't that is all that matters.
She is very lucky indeed, also very lucky to have you! As a regular adult in her life you are very important to her as well as her parents
Just to concur with what has been said - you dont need to 'please' DSDs mother. The way I tend to approach these matters is to think "just get over yourself!" Complete mountain out of a molehill IMO. Totally agree that the normal scenario is "you are not the Mother, you are not important." That said, this situation is equally as frustrating and unhelpful. It will all blow over! Dont start bending over backwards trying to make amends, you have quite enough on your plate, than having to deal with trivia like this.
Btw just to clarify, I meant that your DSD's mother is making a mountain out of a molehill, you are rightfully upset by her making the fuss!
Sorry but I can kind of see her point, and I'm assuming she's kicking up a fuss because the daughter is upset you are not going - why can't a toddler sit for 2 hours, especially if he is being entertained? So, whilst everyone is there watching the show, you are at home doing nothing - sorry, it sounds to me like in this instance, you should pehaps make a big effort to go along too and see the little girl perform, it sounds like a big thing to her and that's probably why the mum is kicking up such a storm about it.
I don't understand why you can't go along with your children, I don't think you are showing special treatment in doing so. I can only imagine her mum is upset because the child is upset, if you had another engagement then fair enough but you don't, you're choosing not to go in case your toddler kicks up a fuss, sorry, I think you're making too much of this being uncomfortable for your son, why would it be, can't he behave for two hours in an environment where there will be other children just like him there? At the end of the day, it's up to you, we don't know you at all and you no doubt no what's best for you and your child, I'm just trying to fathom out why this is such a big deal and the only thing I can come up with is it's very important to this little girl, it's her first show and she wants you there.
Do you think maybe her mum is OK about you being in DSD's life, but rather jealous of your new DCs taking your energies and her dad's energies away from her?
Not defending her actions in the slightest - it's really none of her business whether you go or not and I think your reasons for not going are sound. But that may be where she's coming from - she may feel that her DD isn't getting the attention she used to now that it's being shared with two new DCs.
My DD is performing in her dance show next week and dh will not be able to make it - that's the way it is. Are we throwing tantrums??? Not a bit. I will record it (if I figure out how to) and DD will be fine too. Your DSD's Ma is mad!
PS Would she love it if your baby or toddler kicked off throughout the performance
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