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My Jealousy & Paranoia

(107 Posts)
EvilEdna2909 Sat 09-Mar-13 14:26:00

I have been with my DP for 11 months now. He has DD who is 2 and a DS who is 9 months. We and my boyfriend were going out for nearly 3 months when his DS was born. Everything is amicable with his ex and have ni rela problems. The problem lies with me. I have never wanted children and was okay that my DP had a girl and a boy on the way cos i thought he wouldnt need any more children if hes got one of each.
And now its the opposite. For the past couple of month ive realised i want children and the fact that he has a boy ang a girl spoilts it for me. In the future Im going to have his third kid, his 2nd boy or girl. its not going to be special at all. His going to do everything with his two before mine. When mine come along it wont be nothing new and exciting to him. Its driving us apart.Please help

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sat 09-Mar-13 15:46:08

Hi, I just want to say that you're feelings are completely understandable, and that in a way I felt the same as I thought that because my partner already had his first child that any subsequent ones wouldn't be as exciting for him.

But in all honesty, any children you have together are a special connection you have together. You are the woman he loves and to have a child with you would I am assuming be something very special to him. I had the same feelings as you, even getting to the point where I felt so low I said to my DP whilst pregnant with DS1, "If we lose this baby, you won't be as upset as me will you as you already have a child?" He was horrified and told me that he is so excited about having a child together.

Have you told your DP how you're feeling? Any child is special and exciting, whether they are 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th to come along and so on.

EvilEdna2909 Sat 09-Mar-13 16:23:30

Ive told him a million times. In fact ita getting to a point im flinging it in hia face in a daily basis. Ive told him i worry incase I don't have both boys and girls so one of his other kids would be his favourite. Ive told him I worry that our child might be disabled but it wont botherhhim cos 'u already have a girl and a boy'. I know he wants boys and to watch to him with his ds makes me jealous cos he's gonna do father son stuff with his boy first. I just get so angry and wound up its on my mind constantly

FrauMoose Sat 09-Mar-13 16:33:39

My husband had a boy (7) and a girl (5) when we first met. I found it very reassuring to see him with his children and to realise that he was a good, patient involved father. I had imagined that he might not want any more children, and was delighted to find that he did. Each child is different. They're not just 'a boy' or 'a girl' My stepchildren were delighted to have a baby sibling. Perhaps the fact that there was an age gap helped. I knew that my partner was really, really delighted to have another child. I think I was also a better mother because I'd learned a lot about children via looking after my stepkids. So, for some people, there can be positives in this sort of situation. But for other people the issues around jealousy which you describe might be hard to handle.

EvilEdna2909 Sat 09-Mar-13 16:43:31

I know FrauMoose your completely right and I know it. I know that my partner will love it if we had another kid. Its just jard knowing hes gonna be going through all the new stuff taking them out buying toys everything and then when it comes to mine we'll have both done everything. Having a baby is supposed to be a new exciting time for both and I feel it won't be.

flurp Sat 09-Mar-13 21:43:28

At least you can have dc with him.
My DP had a vasectomy and I would have loved another one or two kids.
I feel sad that he has done all the baby stuff with his ex wife and that is something we will never share together.
But in response to your OP - do you think you would want your second child any less than your first or feel less excitement because you have done it all before? I can assure you that every child is equally as special whether its the first or the fifth!!

EvilEdna2909 Sat 09-Mar-13 21:54:15

I know ur right flurp im trying to get it through to my head. I don't have kids so I guess I dont understand. We have his kids one night a week and my dp always says to me how he wants a full time family with me cos im the only one who hes ever loved. I guess I worry mmyself stupid incase its not as special and its same ol same ol for my dp when we have kids and that wud break my heart so im just preparing myself for the worst.

flurp Sat 09-Mar-13 21:59:23

Try not to let the paranoia take over. It can be quite destructive!!

EvilEdna2909 Sat 09-Mar-13 22:18:37

It has been taking over I think the most stupid things and thats whats destroying my relationship. I just want everything how it should be n special when I have kids

flurp Sat 09-Mar-13 22:47:50

And it will be special - trust me, there's nothing better!!
Just don't ruin your relationship before you get there!!

EvilEdna2909 Sat 09-Mar-13 23:11:40

Thank you. I really appreciate it. I went online today looking for counselling and it was extortionate and everyone has been more helpful than any counsellor would be. I seem to need constant reassurance and I think my stressed boyfriend is sick of giving me it! Its everyday he's giving me and last night he said I have to rap it in or he's leaving me

FrauMoose Sun 10-Mar-13 08:07:19

I think whether or not your partner has had children before, having children is never like you thought it would be. There's some sort of idealised picture in your head - cute smiling babies in a pram etc. The reality can be worse in some ways (lack of sleep, being unsure what to do, a vulnerable creature dependent on you.) But it's also better.

Some GPs offer counselling. And I think while you can get good advice and support and reassurance from messageboards - if there is deep down stuff making you unhappy and sabotaging your life, then it can be useful to see somebody face to face.

EvilEdna2909 Sun 10-Mar-13 09:42:27

Do you have to pregnant though to get offered counselling? I would love to get counselling but I can't afford it. Im a pessimist anyway and I always think negative rather than positive and thats my problem. Cos he said before he wants boys I think if he bonds with his son it will take a lot away. It should be our son who he bonds with him n has father son relationship with but its not and that what angers me n makes me resentful.

eslteacher Sun 10-Mar-13 09:50:08

I get where you're coming from, I sometimes have similar thoughts. But it is worrying that this seems to be taking you over completely - agree you need to see someone if possible.

Also in my case, while sometimes I feel sad that if/when DP and I have a baby we won't be both coming at it from the same position in terms of excitement and 'new'ness, there is a bigger, more practicalthing that balances it out. Because DP is an experienced dad, used to having sole custody of a baby for certain periods of time, he's not going to be like one of those useless dads you hear about who leave everything to the mother because they don't understand what has to be done and what the baby's needs are. A massive bonus in my book - hurrah!

flurp Sun 10-Mar-13 10:11:45

Parents can have that bond with more than one child - whatever sex!
I think you can have different relationships with your dc but love them all equally!
For example my DD has a different dad from my sons. For a long time it was just me and her so we are very close. The boys have a good dad who spends lots of time with them which DD has never had so I am mum and dad to her and have had to do more for her.
Ds1 is sensitive and needs a lot of handholding and reassurance and DS2 is like DD - very independent and self contained and needs less attention but he is my baby and still likes lots of cuddles which the older two dint so much.
I honestly love all of them exactly the same but have to give them different things at different times.
I think you are underestimating your DP.

EvilEdna2909 Sun 10-Mar-13 10:14:17

I know there is positives I know my dp is a good dad and if me and him did break up I know he wud always want to be a part of the kids lives. And I suppose he only has his kids once a week and when we have kids it will be totally different. I just need to keep talking myself around.

EvilEdna2909 Mon 11-Mar-13 00:17:58

Again ur right flurp and I know it but no matter how much I get into my head loads of stuff keeps coming back in. I justthink of my dp and his son olaying footballl and my dp being proud of hin etcand it will be speci for my dp and he shud have that with my future son first. It spoils it

colditz Mon 11-Mar-13 00:20:50

Don't have a child yet. Wait ten years or so.

flurp Mon 11-Mar-13 12:04:55

You mustn't be jealous of his relationship with his existing kids or it will eat you up and hurt them and him. The fact is that your child with him won't be his first but you can't blame him or his existing dc for that - they will always have a place in his life but that's not to say there won't be room for your dc together.
Is it because you were with him when his baby was born and you feel a bit left out? I can understand that but maybe you should wait a while until you have been together longer before you have a child or look for someone who has no existing dc yet if you feel that strongly about this.

Strongertogether Mon 11-Mar-13 12:24:48

Oh gosh, to be honest I do find your feelings toward his two kids a little bit worrying. Are you sure you're really ready to commit to this situation? Don't get me wrong, you're feelings and worries are natural but please be honest with yourself. Do you think you're really cut out to deal with this mans baggage? If you have doubts, I advise you to cut your losses now and save yourself alot of future hassles and heart ache. Sorry, I know that's probably not what you want to hear but the previous poster is right. Jealousy of his kids will eat you up and poison your relationship. Bringing another child into the mix will not help the situation.

EvilEdna2909 Mon 11-Mar-13 13:19:54

I would love to walk away and leave all the worries behind but I love my boyfriend too much. He's too good to let go and it would be a big mistake to let him go. I know im being stupid when we have kids it will be a lot different but I just don't want his kids to take any excitement or anything away when me and him have kids..p.s. I'm not in any rush to have children anyway.

FrauMoose Mon 11-Mar-13 15:29:17

It really is a package deal if you get involved with someone who has children. You do need to accept that part of their love belongs to children who he had with somebody else. And if those children get sick or are in any kind of difficulty then - quite rightly - that is where a significant part of his attention will go.

mumandboys123 Mon 11-Mar-13 17:52:55

Urgh! horrible man. left a pregnant woman for someone else and you want children with him?

Hope it works out for you.

colditz Mon 11-Mar-13 17:56:01

Your partner loves his children more than he will ever love you, as is right and proper. If you cannot accept this, you are going to be unhappy for the rest of your relationship.

Do not have children with this man. I can imagine you becoming outright awful if you had a child of your own and his existing children took up any of his time, money or attention, you are bad enough now.

Don't have children yet, anyway. Honestly, you have some maturing to do.

allnewtaketwo Mon 11-Mar-13 17:57:58

Where does it say he left his ex for the OP? Clearly that is one possibility, but it doesn't actually say that?

OP sorry but you sound too immature to have a child in the near future. It's all very honest of you, but if you want a child with someone who doesn't have any then I'd advise you to to run a mile while you still can

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