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Double standards for the Evil Stepmum...long winge

(72 Posts)
coolmango Sat 22-Dec-12 03:53:17

DSD8 and myself have been fine but occasionally DSD does make disparaging and hurtful comments towards me.

Tonight, after a stressful week at work and all day of ignoring said comments I did explode and say 'ENOUGH' in the KFC car park. DP then decided to throw his meal in my footwell and drive off.

It was trivial what DSD had said. Apparently my armpits need a lawnmower to get through them, (they don't by the way), but this had been said, at full volume around ASDA previous and it was wearing thin with me by then. DP did not pull her up about it, even though he does this if my DS14 or DD4 are rude to him.

He drove off, in true P'eed off man speed because as usual, I was just being a moody b**ch. He is now in bed after cooing over DSD and telling her that I have been 'hormonal'.

I am so sick of his pandering to DSD whilst chastising my children, (as the other adult in the house I believe he should be respected), that I am ready to walk.......tell him to F ......oh he can take the Fing dog as well.

I just don't get it...his parenting skills with my kids and we are on the same page.

Once a fortnight he turns into someone who I do not respect as a parent or a partner.

Crap parenting: eg: DSD8 eats with her mouth open and cannot use a knife and fork.

DSD8 does not eat ANY fruit or veg.....I will hide this in her food when cooking

DP finds it funny that both himself and DSD chuck McDonalds, or other litter out of the window of the car after eating, (I hate littering),. This probably explains why DSD does not pick up after herself.

DP / DSD will often spend the entire weekend in PJs. Usually eating sweeties.

DP/ DSD find it funny to PUMP in my face, even though I have told them I do not like it.

DP hates when my DD4 whinges and has a singy songy voice yet is completly hypnotises by his own daughter who has 'that voice' all weekend.

DSD has a rather strange fixation upon her Dad. Every fortnight her private parts are ' irritated' and she calls him up to the bathroom to apply Sudocreme.

DSD had a thing about only sleeping with DP on the sofa..I have now changed that but..he now has to put his t-shirt on her and then when he goes to bed, another one next to her.

In the morning they have to have 'bed time cuddles'. I have to be out of the room for this. This can go on for over an hour and DP can't understand why I get so P'd off when I am trying to get ready for the day.

DSD is great when she is just with me .......DP turns her into a blathering idiot and both her parents need to teach her some manners. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. I think that the double standards in line with what I expect from my children and the obvious 'can do no wrong' from DPs own child are going to cause many a night of friction in the future.

monsterchild Sat 22-Dec-12 04:15:06

Creeepy! the cuddling and sudocreme tell me you need to leave him. Really, he's not well if he and his dd are acting like this. It is not ok. I assume she is 8 and you don't actually have 8 step kids? No ok at all.

eww! I'm getting the heebie jeebies just thinking about this situation. Leave him to her, and get out before the shit breaks open.

vintageviolets Sat 22-Dec-12 04:20:20

Why do you have to leave the bedroom?

Strawhatpirate Sat 22-Dec-12 04:24:36

I agree with Monsterchild, there are a few things you mentioned which made my skin crawl. I'm not sure why you are still with him TBH.

Xalla Sat 22-Dec-12 04:57:01

My DSD does the Sudocreme thing too.... She's 7. I think her Mum encourages it weirdly enough. I may be truly paranoid but sometimes I wonder if it's so Mum can later accuse my DH of something very dark if she needs too....

Anyway my DH doesn't oblige. When DSD asks he sends me up and I generally take one look and tell DSD there's nothing wrong with her and to stop whingeing. There's no way I'd vacate my bed so DH and DSD could have 'cuddles' either.

It sounds like you've put your foot down on some of the behaviour (well done) but in staying you're condoning a lot of it and the behaviour is VERY skewed no doubt about that... shock

Your DSD is going to grow up to be a very entitled and spoiled (unbearable) girl if your DP keeps pandering to her like this.

I can totally see why you're thinking about leaving...

coolmango Sat 22-Dec-12 05:44:17

DP is always saying how DSD is just like him....Pumping, (farting in yout face), manners, aggressiveness etc. As much as I can understand every girl does not like barbie, as I was a Tomboy myself I still believe basic manners and behavior are a must. As said previously, DP has been fantastic with my own 2 DC's,(4 and 14), yet seems to have such lax parenting with his own.

I could give a thousand examples but, when my eldest, DS14, starts to pick up on the difference, it really does it for me. DP and DSD are asw ever oblivious.

MrsTomHardy Sat 22-Dec-12 05:50:45

Sorry but that all sounds awful.
Haven't you pulled him up on the fact he treats his Dd so differently from your dc's??

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sat 22-Dec-12 05:55:48

Massive alarm bells ringing in my head here. How do you put up with this?

Separate cuddles and sudocrem? Creepy and, well, worrying to be honest. It's inappropriate. My blood is running cold. Just a feeling.

SquidgyMummy Sat 22-Dec-12 05:58:31

PUMPING in your face - wtf?
Rubbing sudocreme on an 8 yearold, private cuddles - extremely disturbing
Your priority should be your children and like you said your DS is noticing the double standard.
Time to give him his marching orders OP

C0smos Sat 22-Dec-12 05:59:30

I could not be in the same room let alone married to someone who thinks its OK to throw their rubbish out of a car window, that is vile, let aone all the other rather creepy stuff.

This is my first ever leave the bastard!l

coolmango Sat 22-Dec-12 06:00:36

Xalla It has only been in the last few months, after I told DP it was creepy having an 8 yr old in bed when I rolled over for a 'snuggle', that she has been told to knock and wait.

My own DCs have known this from day 1, along with 'never go in my handbag'. DSD will take money from my bag if left alone. DSD8 will also jump into my side of the bed as soon as I go to the loo in the morning meaning I then have to go downstairs. Sometimes the pre-morn cuddles can last an hour or so, this means I can't get dressed till then.

I have so many gripes esp: about his double standard parenting, which if alone would be rather rubbish anyway, that I can't fit it all on here and will have a mega step parent winge in the next few days.

EMS23 Sat 22-Dec-12 06:05:12

There's a lot wrong here but it basically all boils down to your DP's Disney parenting of his DD.
Despite talking to him about it, he is ending up treating you like shit and refusing to change. If giving him clear examples (such as driving off like that) doesn't make him understand, I'm not sure anything will.
That's such an unacceptable way to treat your partner. I bet he wouldn't treat her mum like that in front of her!

I think you have to decide if this relationship is really what you want. Your DSD is of an age now where the way she treats you may well get worse in the coming years before she grows up and it gets better. Do you want to be treated like this for (potentially) 10 more years?

PoppyPrincess Sat 22-Dec-12 08:34:20

I can relate to some of the things you have mentioned. DP can be a bit of a Disney dad (was but is less of one now), we had a problem with double standards too.
He would discipline my DS but not his own, they had no manners, fussy about food, would get away with murder but the minute my DS stepped a foot out of line he'd get disciplined because we have set him rules and a discipline procedure.
At weeks all the kids come and get in bed with us so we have 3 kids (2 of his, 1 of mine) and a baby in the bed, I don't mind them being in the bed but I would certainly have an issue if I was told to leave the bedroom so they can have cuddles alone.
Things are now a lot better as we decided on some house rules and a discipline procedure for all the kids, i think it's really not right for the kids to be treated differently. I understand that when a father doesn't see his kids as often as he'd like then he doesn't want to spend his time disciplining them but Disney parenting doesn't do them any favours, in fact it's not really parenting at all.
It sounds like your DSD just wants as much attention off her dad as possible, I think that's quite normal but he's just encouraging it at the mo.
I think you need to discuss what should be accepted from all the kids, you can't have one set of rules for yours and another for DSD. If he won't change his ways then I'd leave him.
I also agree that some of the behaviour you described is just creepy hmm

Eliza22 Sat 22-Dec-12 15:34:54

Leave him. He and his kids sound foul.

purpleroses Sat 22-Dec-12 18:24:20

Putting sudocream on an 8 year old's bottom doesn't sound right to me. She should have charge of the sudocream herself at that age. Jumping in the bed in your place is natural enough but it's not on for your DP to allow it if you're not happy with it. It doesn't sound as if he values your feelings very much sad

Beamur Sat 22-Dec-12 18:32:30

If my DSC's had made comments like that to me they would only have been made once...
Wrong on so so many levels.
As a SM (and a SC) I would find much of this totally unacceptable.
Fine to the occasional bit of spoiling and cuddling, I'd pick my battles over food (have been there with DSD and my own DD to an extend). Tolerating any kind of back chat - no way whatsoever.
The sudocrem bit would make me uncomfortable, she could be doing that herself really.
Your DP needs to grow a spine and do some more reasonable parenting. However, I do think that ought to include time they get to spend by themselves.
I've never been comfortable with my DSC's coming in for morning cuddles either.

PoppyPrincess Sat 22-Dec-12 19:14:18

The more I think about it the more I think the sudocream thing is weird. DSD is 7 and she now gets shy about her body, likes privacy when she goes to the loo or getting dressed etc. I was the same when I was that age, I liked baths by myself and then my dad would just wash my hair for me.
I'm sure if DSD got a sore bum she'd be putting cream on herself, I think she'd have to be in agony before she'd ask DP to do it.
It sounds like she likes being looked after, being babied etc

DoesntTurkeyNSproutSoupDragOn Sat 22-Dec-12 19:17:59

Why are you with your DP?

I think your problem lies with him, not the child.

AKissIsNotAContract Sat 22-Dec-12 19:25:32

Are you certain he's not sexually abusing her? Even if she's asking him to put the cream on, she's 8FFS why does he do it?

littlecloud Sat 22-Dec-12 19:31:31

The morning cuddles and the cream thing sound weird to me on their own the other behaviour would annoy the hell out of me and I wouldn't tolerate it!
He sounds like a knob and the litter thing is vile!

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sat 22-Dec-12 19:35:39

before you said about teh sudocream and secret cuddles i was going to tell you that you should end it with him as i couldn'tcope with the hypocrisy but after you revealed that i think i would be more worried about possible abuse! have you ever questioned why this happens?

bluebiscuit Sat 22-Dec-12 19:36:54

Wtf? Run away very fast.

Him putting sudocrem on her privates is not ok. My dh would not do that for our 4yo, he would out the cream on her fingers and tell her to apply it herself.


Putting the mcd litter out of the window just shows that your dp is a shit person.

NilentSight Sat 22-Dec-12 21:30:15

You are all acting as if the sudocream/cuddles issue is being caused by the child ? If all this is true OP, alarm bells would be ringing and I would be seriously concerned about the welfare of that little girl. Is she being abused by her father?

AKissIsNotAContract Sat 22-Dec-12 21:51:59

I agree nilelt, some of the replies here are pretty disturbing.

ethelb Sat 22-Dec-12 23:44:44

Sudocrem = weird. Secret cuddles In bed that other adults are asked to leave for = consider calling the police

Just because she appears to be instigating these scenarios doesnt mean she is. How do you know that Dp hasnt asked her to ask him to apply cream/ cuddles in bed. Dont want to be hysterical but ofcall the things I have read on Mn the secret cuddles thing really made my blood run cold.

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