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Please help me make him understand

(12 Posts)
steppingup Sun 13-Jun-10 12:04:33


My DP has 2 kids who stay with us at weekends. aged 9 and 7. I always make sure that I give them some time alone, just the three of them. I think now though that I've given them too much time together and made myself an outcast. Because of this, when it comes to me spending time with them i feel so nervous. I mean so nervous that I'm shaking and feeling sick. When they stay over i am constantly on edge and can't sleep. I've told my DP how i feel and he thinks that I'm being silly.

i've tried to explain that i find it difficult to fit in, I have no DC of my own and yes i do feel left out. He doesn't understand why not having children myself makes this difficult for me. It's hard having our house and lives taken over by his dc every week and he doesn't see why i would struggle with this.

Any kind words or advice?

Jaybird37 Sun 13-Jun-10 14:10:22

I am not a step-parent, but from the other side of the equation (XP has new wife) I can definitely say that you can never have too many people in your kids' lives who love them.

Having an adult to turn to who understands your family situation but is not a parent can be a real bonus. Homework is one area where a step-parent can really come into their own.

I would suggest doing some stuff as a family together, like trips out, but also some low key activities which you do with them, like baking Dad a special surprise cake or making him breakfast on Father's day.

Also, don't be afraid to do one-on-one with the kids. It is easier for you and for them if you sometimes split them up.

If you do things with them when he is not there you will develop your own relationship with them. They should still have time alone with him, but that does not mean that you cannot be a friend as well.

Daffydilly Sun 13-Jun-10 15:06:45

My DH has 2 children 9 & 6 - I have felt like an outcast from the beginning (4 years ago) and don't realistically expect it to change. They are such a complete unit without me it's hard to feel anything else. If I wasn't here their lives would pretty much be as they are now. It physcially hurts me when I walk into the room and they're all cuddled up together watching TV. I know I'm being unreasonable and I wouldn't want him to be any different with his kids but that's just how it feels.

HecateQueenOfWitches Sun 13-Jun-10 15:10:52

Your step-children are part of your life and will be for as long as your are with this man. try to not see them as a weekend invasion. He is a package. Can you try to get involved a bit more? The more you remove yourself the harder it will get. Just be with them. Join them. You don't have to do anything, necessarily, just be there!

mjinhiding Sun 13-Jun-10 18:10:50

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mjinhiding Sun 13-Jun-10 18:10:52

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mjinhiding Sun 13-Jun-10 18:21:56

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mjinhiding Sun 13-Jun-10 18:25:42

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steppingup Mon 14-Jun-10 09:08:57

Thank you for the advice. Giving them time alone has made it difficult for me to be involved now. I did try this weekend and I had good moments and bad. I had a chat with my DP last night and he still doesn't understand why not having children myself makes having his children around difficult for me. Although he did say that i do so well with them and I probably do more for them than he does, which is true I think. Its me who cooks for them and does their washing. its me who organises birthdays and christmas and its me who chooses presents and pays for them!
Daffydilly- I've felt a little of the jealousy you feel so I understand how you feel. I'm trying to be rational but it's very difficult.

Daffydilly Mon 14-Jun-10 14:39:45

When my DSD's are not here I feel bad about how "badly I did" when they were here and then I can't wait for them to be here again so that I can "do better". My intentions are so good and then it all seems to go wrong. I find it so hard when they are here - my relationship with them is based on what I'm allowed to do for them which is basically cook and clean. At best I feel like a spectator in my house and at worse a housekeeper. I do have children of my own but nothing has prepared me for this. I feel like I'm failing on every level.

mjinhiding Mon 14-Jun-10 22:22:36

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wendihouse22 Tue 23-Nov-10 17:07:18

I'm glad I found this ties in nicely with my posting "Marvel at me........the invisible woman".

It IS hard. I to am preparing to detach myself emotionally. For my own self-esteem. But, it goes against the grain.......I don't want to be everyone's friend but it sure makes life easier and life's pretty damned hard enough sometimes, without the disdain of my husband's daughter!

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