i, I am currently in the blending family situation myself. We been "dating" for 5 months, but we met each-others kids much earlier. At first we starting attending happening together as movies, forest walks etc.
How ever it was a mistake to move forward too fast. I have 2 kids from previous relationship and he have 5 (21,15,12,10,8). How ever two lives with him now as their mother basically gaved up on them(12,10 boy and girl). First all started smoothly, but once he got apartment and moved in with kids (3 months ago), all started to go down the drain. Boy 12y/o is very jealous and he dont want me and my kids around. I recently found out that he is suffering from ADHD and being super difficult. How ever if before we tried to manage his behavior, now its getting worst. He is demanding fathers attention by acting as baby. Yesterday he was against that I come with my oldest daughter(11y/o) to visit them that he made a mess in his room and jumped outside the window. I know, its terrible. He is getting help with shrink, but I have feeling it is not helping. How ever the story is not as short, but if somebody have time to read, I would appreciate, because Im desperately of need of advice. Also I apologize for possible mistakes as english is not my native language.
So how all started:
I met my "boyfriend" or man..he is 47 and Im 35, so have no how to call us, in November. The way we met many people might judge us, but it is not the point. We met at my "friends" place. I had my personal things to arrange with her when he came there. I was just starting my business and I was sharing my happiness with her. When he came, he knew about my ideas and so we started to talk about this. He was very interested in my ideas and we just hit it off. It seems my friend has told him about me a lot and I didnt have to say much. Anyway, we talked about business, life, education in Finland(I am from here) and small talk. Later I left and it was there. But after a month my friend asked me if I can drive him to his place as he had problems with starting his car. Well I didnt like much idea as I had my life and to drive people around was not so important. But ok, friend asked so I helped. He was not happy about her asking me to help him, because in his opinion its rude to ask people for help, and he would ask himself if need. Anyway, I drove him to his place and we talked about life, business and things like that. We have a lot in common with him so there were not difficult to keep discussion in the car. Well when that was done, we exchanged our phone numbers so that he call me when to pick him up later. After while I had to bring furniture in to my shop, very heavy table, so I asked my friend to ask him if he can help me. They both came to my place to move that huge table. Then he met my kids..well as a friend of a friend. After while my friend asked me again to drive him to somewhere else as his car wouldnt start. I was with my son heading to hairdresser and honestly I didnt felt like changing my plans, but because he helped me with moving furniture so I agreed. I SWEAR, I liked him as a talking buddy, but never aqured in my head that there could me something more. Since my son was also in the car, so we drove 3 of us to do his errands. We dropped him off and headed to hairdresses(which time I had to change because I had to drive him). Later we went shopping and all of the sudden I received text from him, that he is sitting at the coffee shop and having a coffee. This coffee shop was close to the shop we were and I offered him if he wants to go back home, I can drive him. So he came out happy and I drove him back to my friend.
The next day he wished me good morning..which was innocent..
I was so excited about my new business that I missed warning signals.
Ohh forgot, the last time when I asked him to bring table in, it was in to my house. Now when all furniture was in my shop I had to bring that huge table back in to my shop. Since I had no one else to ask, I called him directly and asked if he can help. He agreed very fast and came 4h before the moving car came. We had coffee, talked etc.,all innocent. Once moving car came we transfered that table in to the car and at the shop we talked about everything and nothing. Later we came back my home and I was thinking he will leave, but he asked if I can offer him coffee. We end up talking until midnight. Next day he texted me good morning etc.and mentioned that his gf is very pissed that I asked him directly to help me. Which in my opinion was not wrong as I had his number, she is at work, why go via 3 phones when I can ask directly?! Well, I didnt cared so much as I had my own things in mind, business, kids(Im a single mom) and my own shit with own family.
Once furniture was in, me and my father, with kids we had to paint some shelves. I received text from him, if I need help. I was so exchausted with all and opening was in few days, nothing done. Yes, I answered sure, come. He came after 30min with his older son(21). They helped me so much, that I was surprised even myself. When half of the job was done his son got hungry and wanted go home. But he just didnt felt like leaving, he talked and everyone noticed that he just dont want leave. Eventually they did, but he asked if I need his help next day and I said yes.
Next day came and he came after work. I was so appreciating his help and offered even money. He was upset about it, as how I can offer money to a friend for help.
I was blinded..I was so in to my business that didnt see what is happening. My friend started to call me and complain about that he is distant, she feels he dont love her. I asked have he ever told her that he love her, it appeared that no, he never(5months dating) not even once told he love her. What advice I can give...My mind is full of other things, I dont know this person so much..I told maybe you two are just not meant to be, but in her opinion cards dont lie and they (cards) sayÃng that they are meant to be. What I say is, they are completely different people. He loves sport, he is eating healthy(superfoods,smoothies,vegetarian),swimming in lakes, running with no shoes, loves nature and sometimes spend nights there as well. She is heavy smoker, wearing heals and hate sports, hate forest and eating meat, no kids. What I understood for her was a big problem that he like sport and wants be in nature nights at times. In her opinion he needed to stay home, drink coffee(she is very heavy drinker) and go around shops as she dont have her car and no driving license. He told me that she is manipulating him a lot and controlling.So he feels that he must leave her. But again, I was too busy with opening my business that I didnt care about their personal stuff.
Make this story short, eventually he started to come to me for a coffee, talk about our interests(as I am also vegetarian, doing sport, love nature and love sleep in forest if possible), so we had a lot of in common. Our birthdays are close, both in March so we are pisces, jep.
All of the sudden I realized I starting to like him and he admitted that he likes me. He would sent me messages every day and I realized I was waiting for them every morning. He came pretty often to us, brought my kids some sweets. They how ever never asked anything as they knew he is just a friend. Then few times he took his kids and I took mine and we would go to the movies, then we went all forest. Our kids were not playing together as for them it was all strange. They knew he have some gf and well we were just friends. How ever I realized he wanted to be close to me, he would touch my hand...stand close etc.
I knew he was searching for apartment and his plan was to take his two kids to live with him(which was huge issue for his gf). Once when he came to my house and we been in the kitchen we talked about what is happening. He admit he likes me, but it is so complicated. Then kids were in bed and I dont know what happened, but we kissed. And thats when all started. We didnt had sex or anything...When he left, I was confused about what is happening..I cant do that to my friend and it is wrong, but shit I started to like him so much. Next evening I sent him text that this is not working for me, him being with my friend and Im being left like this..
So he have to decide what he will do. He tried to explain that this is so complicated and he will have to leave her because its not working.
Ohh, what a mess. She was calling me that she feels its over as sex is over and he is going distant. I couldnt give any advice, because I was not in the position to do so. I felt bad and I tried go distant from her as well.
The worst part is that when I tried to leave him again, he wrote me message that he loves me and thats all what he knows.That was a shock for me and...well...its not easy.
I dont know what happened, but I think she started to feel that there is something happening between us. One day she called me and said she is pregnant.. DAMN! For me it was so painful, I couldnt work. I was crying and called him, said its over, she told me she is pregnant and I am not taking part of this drama..He came to my shop after 20min and all he was doing he was hugging me. He was mad as she told him that she cant have kids, that she had operation and all that.
The same evening he brought me home and told me, he will go to talk to her things straight. Shortly, he came back to me in the middle of the night with all things. She never told him about her being pregnant, but she collected his stuff and told to get out.
As it turned out later, she was lying, there were no pregnancy.
I felt bad, I was literally dumping him every single day. I couldnt feel that guilt. It was not my intention and not in my plans. My business was running slowly, because I couldnt concentrate not at my family or business. My ex started to make my life hell as well, because he was jealous that I am dating somebody. How ever we been separated for 6 years. For me was so much stress, that I thought I just take car and drive in to the wall. I was all days only crying and sad. So what happened is that I fell in love with a man with 5 kids and who could know back then how many issues it will bring in to my life.
What happened is, I got pregnant, but misscarried(well actually fetus died few days ago and he still in my belly) and I feel left out. At first we were so happy, but then questions arised as if it is good idea to have a baby now, I still feel guilt for feeling this way because it was both of our fault that we got pregnant. I felt something is wrong and went to doctor..well..it was a huge hit for me, because I had to deal it alone. His phone is broken and I couldnt reach him, until evening, I close my shop earlier as I couldnt just be there. The thing is...I sacrefised my business, my personal wellbeing, my health and leven unborn child for this man and now I am questioning if I need this all? My kids also suffer from his son whos behavior is terrible. Psychoterapeut said, that no child can say with whom parents should date. And he made clear to his son, but I have feeling he is doing so much wrong. Yesterday when boy jumped out of the window(not so high), he knew what he is doing. He wanted manipulate his father to feel pitty for him. Because when we all started to be around him, he was satesfied. His father took him in to the arms and I saw his face. He is not a bad kid and I was trying my best to spend time with him as I did with his daughter. My kids took my new bf well, they had some issues first, but I explained that I love him and we want start family together. Yes, we rushed, we should have taken more slowly, but I miss him as well. I work until 7pm and we live in different towns. So when we are together I want also be close to him which is huge problem for his son. He is literally hanging on him and talks like baby. I know that he is afraid to lose him, but everyone explains him that he wont. His mother have own life, she does ohm and yoga, new bf,so for her..she dont care. She gaved up of them easily, no hesitations. How ever we do have a deal, that he have all kids every other weekend and she have all every other. So we have "own" time every other weekend, which is not enough. I do not share same system with my ex and my kids are always with me...
I dont know what advice I need. I dont know what should I do..
I do know Im tired, emotionally, physically and all is just going wrong way.
I love him with all my heart and he loves me...But I feel that I am giving up.
Our other kids suffering from that boys actions even his own siblings. Now feels our lifes revolve around that boy. He is also very selfish and wants all only to himself even with own siblings. There are lots of manipulations and in his opinion he should live alone with his father. He hates all women, including his mother. He never want to go to her when must. So there you go...my heart is getting empty and I just have to decide either I leave all, concentrate at my business and dedicate my life to my life and kids or try to safe what we have. I do like his other kids and with his daughter(10) we are getting along very well. She wants us all to move together, but I dont know anymore. Of course we will not move now together and plan was maybe next year. But it gets complicated. Boy is mentally ill and needs help, I just dont know how long anymore I can handle. There are too much on my plate. I lost baby which is still in my stomach, my kids are confused...we argue with my bf. I actually tried to leave him yesterday, but he said he loves me too much to let go..
But after what happened in the evening...I just dont know.
What I know is...I am sitting in my shop...no tears to cry anymore...hoping that miscarriage will not start now as I am alone here. His phone is still broken, so I cant even call and Im angry because he is not even bother to buy new. All I want is just run away....very far and leave all behind...
What I am going through now..I dont wish even to the worst enemy or maybe I am just overdramatic...I dont know.. Maybe I deserve all this for stealing someones else man...But it was not a plan. My plan was establish business, collect money, buy a house for me and my kids and be a mom. I never even wanted to date anyone...I was happy how I was.
I am in love with him, but I dont know what to do..
My advice is..not rush EVER..take as slowly as possible and fix issues before moving together!