ADHD - Anybody else Step parenting a child with adhd (particularly if they live with you and you and visit absent mother)

(34 Posts)
buttons99 Mon 08-Feb-10 09:54:05

I wondered if there is anybody out there who is in a similar position to me and would like a buddy to chat to (let off steam with!!!)

I would greatly appreciate any other Mums or step Mums who have experience and would chat with me.

I have been a stepmum for a few years to sd who has adhd (aged 11) and there are days I really tear my hair out with her. I just feel we are stuck in a timewarp and she is not maturing and as my own dd is a year younger the gap between the two is getting bigger as they get older, my own dd was younger in years plus abilities/behaviour etc but she has now gone well past sd and is much more mature etc than sd. SD lives with us full time(has done since the beginning af merging the two families) and visits her Mum most weekends. We have other children too.

I really really try with her but she is just such hard work in a continually draining way like a dripping tap. She isn't violent to the extreme you hear of in some ADHD cases but she is very very tiring to live with. Everything is a battle just to do the normal life things. Meals are eaten like a tortoise and with alot of encouragement or she just wouldn't eat more than a couple of fork fulls(like a toddler needs encouraging), packed lunches are often uneaten (the school is useless help on this one..the only "incentive" is if she doesn't eat it she has to go to bed early which she really doesn't like)and yet she is so tiny and underweight that I am having to be really strict on forcing her to eat as otherwise she just wouldn't bother and would be ill. She is monitored regularly by hosp)

At home I have tried right from the start (6 years agobutt!!!) to get her to be responsible for her clothes etc but she continually looks scruffy, I ask her to put dirty clothes in the wash basket but she stuffs them instead..all round her room, in the bottom of her cupboards (and I just don't think to take them off, look to see if they are dirty and if so put them in the wash is expecting too much.)then she gets them out puts them on and stamps around when I tell her to go and get changed as her clothes are food stains, spilt drinks etc down the front.

Her relationships with other children is always strained (our children and others in her life in any form)as she is so unpredictable, they try hard with her but in the end just give up, for example this weekend we were away for the weekend and there were lots of other children there, they asked her to go out and play and she wouldn't, they asked a couple of times and she said no, then a little later she decided to go out and joined in but within minutes she was annoying them all as she was coming out with horrible comments and not taking turns to be "on" so they didn't want to play with her, she came in I chatted to her about playing nicely etc and she went out again, all started again and in the end we had to bring her in so the others could all play (about 10 other children all playing well together for a couple of hours)and she just lay on her bunk and played on her ds. We try to get her to socialise but all she wants to do is play on computer games/ds's and to me thats just not good for her (but does give me break! as she is quiet and not upsetting anyone.)

She is really unthoughtful about what she says and can be really hurtful...and I am not sure if this is genuine she doesn't know what she is doing or done on purpose. I have learnt over the years not to take it to heart but my dd gets hurt by it. My dd is the one person who really sticks up for sd most of the time and gets on generally with her fairly well, but then sd will say something like "Extinguisher is one of our spellings this week, well if we didn't have one and their was a fire b..... would die in a fire, wouldn't that be good" I know its prob cos dd doesn't get the strictness in life that sd does (and has to have or she would wreck the family completely) and so thats why she throws comments like that around but dd really gets hurt by it (understandably I think)

Her Dad and I often discuss problems etc and I am in the very lucky position that he lives in the real world..she isn't an angel who Daddy hangs on every word from..and he openly admits she is really tiring and you do have to live with her to understand just how much so. But I have the majority of the day to day care of her, because he works and because we are a "normal" family and so she along with our other children come under my "Mum" role in the family.

But I really do get days I am at my wits end, I love DH so much and he and I really are made for each other...but I have days I really wish I wasn't in this family set up. Its like there is him who I really want to be with, but she is constantly making me wish I could escape from it all. I understand they are a package etc etc and don't need anyone to tell me that, but would just like any advice on how to cope better. Thanks.

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saintlydamemrsturnip Mon 08-Feb-10 10:00:25

Is she getting outside help? EG from CAHMS? Or is she under a clinical psych?

ADHD can be pretty wearing- even when it's your own child. If she's played with other children for a few hours and then retreats to her DS I;d let her to be honest. It sounds as if she finds other children quite difficult and she may need to retreat to time alone to help her deal with that. Is there anything she likes to do that could leads to a club or something that she could join? Just thinking it might help her confidence.

The fire stuff sounds like trying for a reaction. I'd just say 'that's not nice' and be firm but quietly disapproving.

buttons99 Mon 08-Feb-10 10:06:50

Whats CAHMS?? She is seen a couple of times a year by Child development centre at hosp but thats a ten minute weigh her, check height, quick chat about nothing much sort of appointment.

Other children - def not a few hours, more like ten minutes and it all goes pear shaped!

She used to go to Brownies (but is too old now) and tbh she just has no interest in anything other than films/ds/computer.

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saintlydamemrsturnip Mon 08-Feb-10 10:12:13

sorry CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health services).

Is she happy without friendships/other children? I think this is where seeing a clinical psych might be quite useful. Spectrummy children often do need quite a bit of time away from other kids. Does she like reading (it would give her time alone but perhaps 'better' than computer playing- could she be allowed to read in return for some DS time?) Of course that won't work if she doesn't like reading.

Is there a computer club or something she could join?

Have a browse of the Jessica Kingsley website - she may have published something that could be useful (she's your best bet).

buttons99 Mon 08-Feb-10 10:24:20

Thanks for that. I will have a look.

It really does depend on the with everything with her....some days she wants to be with other children (usually boys not girls though and boys will play with her whilst girls don't like her) and others she will sit and happily play on a ds ALL DAY given the chance to.

She does like reading but its def a huffed and puffed at chore rather than pleasure....unless its a book way too old for her and full of blood and guts..which incidentally her Mum doesn't seem to see a problem with!!! Her Mum is a whole new subject!!!!!!!!!!

I have had a big battle with "appropriate" games/literature for her as she is very immature in lots of ways but wants "input" that is in my opinion much too old for her and def not encouraging her to be a nicer child.

OP’s posts: |
saintlydamemrsturnip Mon 08-Feb-10 10:38:28

She may like the different communicative style of boys. Would learning the drums or guitar or something boyish be an option? I don't think you're going to turn her into a 'nicer' child but you can probably help her become easier to live with. this looks like a good book

buttons99 Mon 08-Feb-10 10:59:09

Thanks, that looks great. I have read lots on helping her educationally, boosting her self esteem etc etc, but I need help for me too on how to manage on a real day to day basis away from the structure of a classroom. The teacher has her for just part of a day (and a dedicated support member of staff for some lessons) and can go home, I have responsibility for her 24/7 really as her Mum is very unreliable and picks and chooses when to have her. I so look forward to getting a break when she is at her Mums, but that is a vicious circle as often her behaviour is worse when she first comes back, but I really do need that break.

I have my children 24/7 as they don't see their dad so it really bugs me that her Mum dosen't have to be as responsible as I am and she can pick and choose when to be a Mum and when not to. I understand fully that thats why she lives with Dad not Mum etc etc but it really gets to me.

Everything seems to always be about the support the child needs but those around her need to find support to as I am just so tired of trying. She can be a lovely kid and I hope I dont come across as an evil step mother, i'm not, just worn down.

OP’s posts: |


saintlydamemrsturnip Mon 08-Feb-10 11:00:44

No you don't come across as an evil stepmother!

Do you think your SD's mother might have ADHD herself?

buttons99 Mon 08-Feb-10 11:07:06

No I don't think so...but MAJOR alcohol problems!

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prettyfly1 Tue 09-Feb-10 20:00:30

I have a son with potential adhd. If you dont have any knowledge of cahms how was the adhd diagnosed? How is it managed through school. The problem is that you are putting the expectation of a "Nice" child or a "normal" child onto her and it isnt possible which ISNT her fault. It sounds like you need more support to be honest. Also if there is a rule in place for one child it should be there for all of them - adhd doesnt make a child blind to differences in treatment, in fact often adhd children are MORE aware of this and will rebel harder - usually against the "preferred sibling".

There are a lot of online support groups and advice for parents of adhd children and I would suggest you look into different routes of behavioural management however this child will never be like any other child and continuing to put "rules" in place in the manner you are talking about will increase her feeling of insecurity and make her behaviour worse. To be honest I know lots of eleven year olds who always look scruffy and dont look after their stuff very well, are mean to siblings and strop when told what to do - and those are the ones without adhd - she sounds pretty low on the spectrum to be honest and is coming up to a very tough age - I know how hard it is but put yourself in her shoes. Alchoholic mother, living with a sister obviously treated differently, wants to be liked but cant control her impulses long enough not to make other children wary - it cant be nice for her.

prettyfly1 Tue 09-Feb-10 20:04:04

Have you tried your health visitor btw - there are often groups for parents of special needs children like autism that includes adhd - perhaps some time with other parents going through similiar experiences would help you. Also how much one on one time do you get with your own daughter - perhaps getting out with her and blowing the cobwebs away will help? I so know what you mean about being responsible and its hard enough to parent a step child without the fun of adhd added to the mix but hang on in there. Fwiw I dont think you sound evil either, just not well supported enough and bloody tired.

karen2010 Tue 09-Feb-10 21:56:32

this is just aside but
more than likely the reason the mother has major alcohol problems is she cant cope with adhd

i would research around the internet for help
see the SENCO at school and ask there
when you go to hospitlal ask for help there now
cos there is very very little once they are 18
get the help now

i am guess you also get dla for her and carer allowence for you
social service might be able to help if you phone and say you are a step mother and cant cope

buttons99 Wed 10-Feb-10 10:31:21

Thanks for the replies. You have given me lots to think about.

prettyfly1 , all our children are treated the same my dd doesn't get treated better than sd. I am not sure if I am explaining this quite how you will understand (I hope so ) but what I meant was my youngest dd prob seems to get less strict rules applied to her because when she is asked to do something etc she does it and so doesn't need the same constant reminders to do it that may come across to sd as her being treated less fairly. Infact sd gets much less expectations put on her often beause I am very aware she does have problems.

She was already diagnosed with ADHD when she became part of my family. I wasn't around at the diagnosis time etc and wish I had been as I would be more in the know from the beginning. I know there is no magic wand I can use to help her and really worry for her longterm future but I also find the situation hard myself to deal with. Not every day I hasten to add, having put the op on on Monday I have had a couple of good days with her which is great but sometimes it seems a hard slog and just so wearing.

I do understand about alot of children being scruffy, messy etc as I do have other children. We do not have any children between us, all the children who live with me are from previous marriages 3 from mine plus 2 from DH's (and I had step children in my previous marriage inc a disabled child, although they did not live with us, they lived with Mum and spent time with us) and my dh had a step child in his first marriage which his ex already had when they met...complicated isn't it , so we have had/have lots of child experience but I am struggling alot (some days) with my sd more than I have had with any of the others for some reason. The unpredictableness I think is one of the main things. Also I always wanted to work with handicapped children and when I see the adverts on the tv for socialcare workers who work with handicapped children etc I would have loved that as a career, yet struggle with a child who is a member of my own family, which hurts as I really want to be the best stepmum in the world for her but just struggle with being so.

As far as I thought health visiters where only for pre-school age families and once they are in school they are no longer involved in the family.

KAREN2010 Her primary school SENCO isn't much good we feel. Its a small school and they don't get many special children through their doors. However she changes to high school this year and we already have older children at this school and they have quite a few children with special needs and I am hoping they may be a better place to find support from. I am really concerned about her transition to high school and how she will cope but we have already agreed with the school that we will sit down and have a discussion about heping her.

DLA - No haven't claimed anything for her, didn't know you could.

I think one of the problems is when we take her to the child development centre at the hospital they weigh her etc etc and then the discussion about her behaviour/needs etc is held with her sat there, which makes me very uncomfortable to be honest as I don't want to upset her or do her self esteem any harm. It seems a strange way for the hospital to have that way of holding the appt to me. Do you have a similar child? as with you saying the helps stops at 18 I am wondering if that means you have experience of it all.

OP’s posts: |
karen2010 Thu 11-Feb-10 06:44:48

re dla
it is massive form but well well well claiming

go to the government web site
dla uk gov
you really need help filling in it as there is a art to it
i used these people
but it does depend on where you live
you will need to do some internet searching
i you are going fill it your self remember to think about the worst day and answer the questions from there

dont bank on the senco at high being good as there are more kids there and worst one get the most help
as again there is only one maybe 2 sencos and if one goes sick they are stuffed

re hospital appoint
i look at it as a gateway appoint as this dr there can get you all the help they have in the area
if you want ss out of the room take some one with you to watch her or the nurse there should do so and say you want to talk in private

have to go now

borderslass Fri 12-Feb-10 07:45:38

my son has adhd and other problems but my youngest daughter also had adhd and everything you describe was her down to a t.She was finally diagnosed at 10 [e knew from 6]and was put on medication and gradually she has got better to the stage that now at 14 she has suddenly 'grown up' takes pride in her appearance and belongings,to be fair we believe a lot of hers has to do with the time I had to spend with her brother but most kids with adhd are very immature,cant think before speaking,have to be told in simple steps as they forget instructions if I told mine to tidy their room they couldn't do it but to say it in step by step instructions it works.we also spend time on us time and that does help maybe go for lunch or shopping or something she wants to do I found it a great incentive.

prettyfly1 Fri 12-Feb-10 13:47:56

I was just about to ask that - I wondered how you were getting on? So glad to hear you have had a couple of better days. On the flip side of how hard adhd is the kids can be so much fun and so loving if you can go along with them (where possible).

Is your sd on medication? Would this help. My son is younger then your daughter but I found strict dietary control really helped - no additives, no unnescessary sugar - didnt make me popular but my god the difference, plus lots of physical activity? THat may not be the right solution for you but it does help.

buttons99 Fri 12-Feb-10 14:40:57

She takes equasym (1 slow release per day) I try to limit the sugar etc and def no coke etc etc. You will be as amazed at this as we were I bet, but when we were at a hospital appt discussing her lack of appetite (which I know is a side effect to the medication) and were trying to explain to the consultant that we struggle to get her to eat normal (to her boring) foods but if it were chocolate cake she would eat it all day...his reply....well give her the cake then if it means she is eating. Yeh right..lets just let her have her own way, teach her if she refuses food we will instead give her cake, fill her with sugar (sure dentist would approve) and let her be mega hyper. I came out of appt fuming and ready to linch doctor, chatted with her Dad and we agreed to use a small piece as incentive when needed but as a treat for eating dinner etc rather than instead of!!!

OP’s posts: |
Gen45 Tue 02-Aug-16 10:26:53

I am a step mum to a 17 year old girl with ADD and have been for almost two years, I am not coping at all, she is not maturing at all and acts about 9! my two kids at 12 and 14 have outgrown her. She is highly irritating, lies and can't cope with any thing and I can't seem to be able to "like" her, feel terrible, need help please

incogKNEEto Wed 03-Aug-16 14:32:19

Hi Gen you will probably get more help if you post your own new thread in the SN children section smile

YelloDraw Wed 03-Aug-16 21:39:56

Doesn't equasym impact appetite? Might be a contributing factor to the poor eating.

user1470986857 Fri 12-Aug-16 09:58:36

i, I am currently in the blending family situation myself. We been "dating" for 5 months, but we met each-others kids much earlier. At first we starting attending happening together as movies, forest walks etc.
How ever it was a mistake to move forward too fast. I have 2 kids from previous relationship and he have 5 (21,15,12,10,8). How ever two lives with him now as their mother basically gaved up on them(12,10 boy and girl). First all started smoothly, but once he got apartment and moved in with kids (3 months ago), all started to go down the drain. Boy 12y/o is very jealous and he dont want me and my kids around. I recently found out that he is suffering from ADHD and being super difficult. How ever if before we tried to manage his behavior, now its getting worst. He is demanding fathers attention by acting as baby. Yesterday he was against that I come with my oldest daughter(11y/o) to visit them that he made a mess in his room and jumped outside the window. I know, its terrible. He is getting help with shrink, but I have feeling it is not helping. How ever the story is not as short, but if somebody have time to read, I would appreciate, because Im desperately of need of advice. Also I apologize for possible mistakes as english is not my native language.
So how all started:
I met my "boyfriend" or man..he is 47 and Im 35, so have no how to call us, in November. The way we met many people might judge us, but it is not the point. We met at my "friends" place. I had my personal things to arrange with her when he came there. I was just starting my business and I was sharing my happiness with her. When he came, he knew about my ideas and so we started to talk about this. He was very interested in my ideas and we just hit it off. It seems my friend has told him about me a lot and I didnt have to say much. Anyway, we talked about business, life, education in Finland(I am from here) and small talk. Later I left and it was there. But after a month my friend asked me if I can drive him to his place as he had problems with starting his car. Well I didnt like much idea as I had my life and to drive people around was not so important. But ok, friend asked so I helped. He was not happy about her asking me to help him, because in his opinion its rude to ask people for help, and he would ask himself if need. Anyway, I drove him to his place and we talked about life, business and things like that. We have a lot in common with him so there were not difficult to keep discussion in the car. Well when that was done, we exchanged our phone numbers so that he call me when to pick him up later. After while I had to bring furniture in to my shop, very heavy table, so I asked my friend to ask him if he can help me. They both came to my place to move that huge table. Then he met my kids..well as a friend of a friend. After while my friend asked me again to drive him to somewhere else as his car wouldnt start. I was with my son heading to hairdresser and honestly I didnt felt like changing my plans, but because he helped me with moving furniture so I agreed. I SWEAR, I liked him as a talking buddy, but never aqured in my head that there could me something more. Since my son was also in the car, so we drove 3 of us to do his errands. We dropped him off and headed to hairdresses(which time I had to change because I had to drive him). Later we went shopping and all of the sudden I received text from him, that he is sitting at the coffee shop and having a coffee. This coffee shop was close to the shop we were and I offered him if he wants to go back home, I can drive him. So he came out happy and I drove him back to my friend.
The next day he wished me good morning..which was innocent..
I was so excited about my new business that I missed warning signals.
Ohh forgot, the last time when I asked him to bring table in, it was in to my house. Now when all furniture was in my shop I had to bring that huge table back in to my shop. Since I had no one else to ask, I called him directly and asked if he can help. He agreed very fast and came 4h before the moving car came. We had coffee, talked etc.,all innocent. Once moving car came we transfered that table in to the car and at the shop we talked about everything and nothing. Later we came back my home and I was thinking he will leave, but he asked if I can offer him coffee. We end up talking until midnight. Next day he texted me good morning etc.and mentioned that his gf is very pissed that I asked him directly to help me. Which in my opinion was not wrong as I had his number, she is at work, why go via 3 phones when I can ask directly?! Well, I didnt cared so much as I had my own things in mind, business, kids(Im a single mom) and my own shit with own family.
Once furniture was in, me and my father, with kids we had to paint some shelves. I received text from him, if I need help. I was so exchausted with all and opening was in few days, nothing done. Yes, I answered sure, come. He came after 30min with his older son(21). They helped me so much, that I was surprised even myself. When half of the job was done his son got hungry and wanted go home. But he just didnt felt like leaving, he talked and everyone noticed that he just dont want leave. Eventually they did, but he asked if I need his help next day and I said yes.
Next day came and he came after work. I was so appreciating his help and offered even money. He was upset about it, as how I can offer money to a friend for help.
I was blinded..I was so in to my business that didnt see what is happening. My friend started to call me and complain about that he is distant, she feels he dont love her. I asked have he ever told her that he love her, it appeared that no, he never(5months dating) not even once told he love her. What advice I can give...My mind is full of other things, I dont know this person so much..I told maybe you two are just not meant to be, but in her opinion cards dont lie and they (cards) sayíng that they are meant to be. What I say is, they are completely different people. He loves sport, he is eating healthy(superfoods,smoothies,vegetarian),swimming in lakes, running with no shoes, loves nature and sometimes spend nights there as well. She is heavy smoker, wearing heals and hate sports, hate forest and eating meat, no kids. What I understood for her was a big problem that he like sport and wants be in nature nights at times. In her opinion he needed to stay home, drink coffee(she is very heavy drinker) and go around shops as she dont have her car and no driving license. He told me that she is manipulating him a lot and controlling.So he feels that he must leave her. But again, I was too busy with opening my business that I didnt care about their personal stuff.
Make this story short, eventually he started to come to me for a coffee, talk about our interests(as I am also vegetarian, doing sport, love nature and love sleep in forest if possible), so we had a lot of in common. Our birthdays are close, both in March so we are pisces, jep.
All of the sudden I realized I starting to like him and he admitted that he likes me. He would sent me messages every day and I realized I was waiting for them every morning. He came pretty often to us, brought my kids some sweets. They how ever never asked anything as they knew he is just a friend. Then few times he took his kids and I took mine and we would go to the movies, then we went all forest. Our kids were not playing together as for them it was all strange. They knew he have some gf and well we were just friends. How ever I realized he wanted to be close to me, he would touch my hand...stand close etc.
I knew he was searching for apartment and his plan was to take his two kids to live with him(which was huge issue for his gf). Once when he came to my house and we been in the kitchen we talked about what is happening. He admit he likes me, but it is so complicated. Then kids were in bed and I dont know what happened, but we kissed. And thats when all started. We didnt had sex or anything...When he left, I was confused about what is happening..I cant do that to my friend and it is wrong, but shit I started to like him so much. Next evening I sent him text that this is not working for me, him being with my friend and Im being left like this..
So he have to decide what he will do. He tried to explain that this is so complicated and he will have to leave her because its not working.
Ohh, what a mess. She was calling me that she feels its over as sex is over and he is going distant. I couldnt give any advice, because I was not in the position to do so. I felt bad and I tried go distant from her as well.
The worst part is that when I tried to leave him again, he wrote me message that he loves me and thats all what he knows.That was a shock for me and...well...its not easy.
I dont know what happened, but I think she started to feel that there is something happening between us. One day she called me and said she is pregnant.. DAMN! For me it was so painful, I couldnt work. I was crying and called him, said its over, she told me she is pregnant and I am not taking part of this drama..He came to my shop after 20min and all he was doing he was hugging me. He was mad as she told him that she cant have kids, that she had operation and all that.
The same evening he brought me home and told me, he will go to talk to her things straight. Shortly, he came back to me in the middle of the night with all things. She never told him about her being pregnant, but she collected his stuff and told to get out.
As it turned out later, she was lying, there were no pregnancy.
I felt bad, I was literally dumping him every single day. I couldnt feel that guilt. It was not my intention and not in my plans. My business was running slowly, because I couldnt concentrate not at my family or business. My ex started to make my life hell as well, because he was jealous that I am dating somebody. How ever we been separated for 6 years. For me was so much stress, that I thought I just take car and drive in to the wall. I was all days only crying and sad. So what happened is that I fell in love with a man with 5 kids and who could know back then how many issues it will bring in to my life.
What happened is, I got pregnant, but misscarried(well actually fetus died few days ago and he still in my belly) and I feel left out. At first we were so happy, but then questions arised as if it is good idea to have a baby now, I still feel guilt for feeling this way because it was both of our fault that we got pregnant. I felt something is wrong and went to was a huge hit for me, because I had to deal it alone. His phone is broken and I couldnt reach him, until evening, I close my shop earlier as I couldnt just be there. The thing is...I sacrefised my business, my personal wellbeing, my health and leven unborn child for this man and now I am questioning if I need this all? My kids also suffer from his son whos behavior is terrible. Psychoterapeut said, that no child can say with whom parents should date. And he made clear to his son, but I have feeling he is doing so much wrong. Yesterday when boy jumped out of the window(not so high), he knew what he is doing. He wanted manipulate his father to feel pitty for him. Because when we all started to be around him, he was satesfied. His father took him in to the arms and I saw his face. He is not a bad kid and I was trying my best to spend time with him as I did with his daughter. My kids took my new bf well, they had some issues first, but I explained that I love him and we want start family together. Yes, we rushed, we should have taken more slowly, but I miss him as well. I work until 7pm and we live in different towns. So when we are together I want also be close to him which is huge problem for his son. He is literally hanging on him and talks like baby. I know that he is afraid to lose him, but everyone explains him that he wont. His mother have own life, she does ohm and yoga, new bf,so for her..she dont care. She gaved up of them easily, no hesitations. How ever we do have a deal, that he have all kids every other weekend and she have all every other. So we have "own" time every other weekend, which is not enough. I do not share same system with my ex and my kids are always with me...
I dont know what advice I need. I dont know what should I do..
I do know Im tired, emotionally, physically and all is just going wrong way.
I love him with all my heart and he loves me...But I feel that I am giving up.
Our other kids suffering from that boys actions even his own siblings. Now feels our lifes revolve around that boy. He is also very selfish and wants all only to himself even with own siblings. There are lots of manipulations and in his opinion he should live alone with his father. He hates all women, including his mother. He never want to go to her when must. So there you heart is getting empty and I just have to decide either I leave all, concentrate at my business and dedicate my life to my life and kids or try to safe what we have. I do like his other kids and with his daughter(10) we are getting along very well. She wants us all to move together, but I dont know anymore. Of course we will not move now together and plan was maybe next year. But it gets complicated. Boy is mentally ill and needs help, I just dont know how long anymore I can handle. There are too much on my plate. I lost baby which is still in my stomach, my kids are confused...we argue with my bf. I actually tried to leave him yesterday, but he said he loves me too much to let go..
But after what happened in the evening...I just dont know.
What I know is...I am sitting in my tears to cry anymore...hoping that miscarriage will not start now as I am alone here. His phone is still broken, so I cant even call and Im angry because he is not even bother to buy new. All I want is just run away....very far and leave all behind...
What I am going through now..I dont wish even to the worst enemy or maybe I am just overdramatic...I dont know.. Maybe I deserve all this for stealing someones else man...But it was not a plan. My plan was establish business, collect money, buy a house for me and my kids and be a mom. I never even wanted to date anyone...I was happy how I was.
I am in love with him, but I dont know what to do..

My advice is..not rush EVER..take as slowly as possible and fix issues before moving together!

Lala1980 Wed 31-Aug-16 19:47:38

Would love to chat off thread. Feel free to pm me. Laura

user1470986857 Thu 01-Sep-16 06:10:57

Hi Laura!
/ Marianna

ConfusedMummy87 Sat 01-Oct-16 08:28:03

"all our children are treated the same my dd doesn't get treated better than sd. I am not sure if I am explaining this quite how you will understand (I hope so ) but what I meant was my youngest dd prob seems to get less strict rules applied to her because when she is asked to do something etc she does it and so doesn't need the same constant reminders to do it that may come across to sd as her being treated less fairly. Infact sd gets much less expectations put on her often beause I am very aware she does have problems."

^ that, right there, is my life.

I feel like a wicked step mother half the day if not all of it. Our oldest (my DSS) has some sort of undiagnosed issue. Health visitor though ADHD but the symptoms are - apparently - not happening in school. We are looking into getting an assessment done as there is something there and we just don't know how to help. confused It's exhausting.

ConfusedMummy87 Sat 01-Oct-16 08:31:49

Forgot to say (and chat edit here - sorry that was my first post) that DSS lives with us full time. He is 7 (8 in Dec) and sees his birth mother once a month for 2-3hours before she "can't handle him" any longer. So I understand how it is parenting a challenge step child with very little in the way of BM sharing the load. smile

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