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ex has gone to csa. sorry soooo long.

(13 Posts)
cuppy Wed 06-Jul-05 22:59:53

Hi everyone,

haven't been around for ages but just needed to come on tonight. Not trying to start a row, or drum up loads of sympathy - jusy cant get this out of my head and am hoping this will help. Will apologise now for any rambling. Was going to change my name but it just doesn't matter.

Very briefly - have been with dp for 5 years, have one toddler together. He has 2 children from his previous marraige which ended a year before we met, so there has never been any bad blood between me and ex. She has pissed me off a few times with things she has said to dp, but thats the same with anyone. And anyway I'm sure ive done the same.So...

We pay each month for the children and have them every other w/e and in the hols. We have taken them on holiday and they are included in all our family occasions. Last week we received a letter from the csa to say she had put in a claim for child maintenance. I am GUTTED. I cant believe it. I can't believe that she didnt speak to us about it. We are all on speaking terms, she knows that we will do anything we can to help her out. Last year she said she needed more money. Our fiancial situation isnt fantastic. and so we upped the money and I offered to look after the hcildren every day after school to avoid childcare costs ( which she declined). I spoke to her myself and said that she was not alone when it came to the children and that we would do all we could to help. So she knows we would help.

The reason I am so upset is that we have never needed to deal with the csa and so have no experience but have heard such stories of how they get it wrong on both sides. They can destroy peoples lives and I feel that she threw my family's life to the lions den. You go to the csa if the father disappeares or refuses to pay. She treated us like a pair of arseholes who dont give a stuff, which couldnt be further from the truth. It makes me feel that all the effort that Ive put into forming a bond with the chiildren , and making them feel loved and cared for when theyre here has all been for nothing.
Anyway, dp went round there and we have come to a new arrangement , which is what the csa would say we would have to pay anyway, and she has canelled her claim. He explained to her that as the children turn up in Named stuff and are going on trips etc, that we thought she was doing fine and that she only had to say.
One minute I'm raging mad, the next I am sobbing. Maybe I am overreacting I dont know . I just feel so hurt and know now that the once amicable relationship has gone and it will now be so hard. Did she do it to be nasty? Waht is she trying to do ? I just dont get it.
I also hate the fact that she can cancel her claim and restart it again at anytime. Like she controls what happens. I am more than happy to pay for what the children need but as I said before am just scared of the csa incase they get it so wrong. What happens if she does restart and they make us pay an amount we cant afford? I feel we have to watch what we buy infront of the children incase it get backs to her .e.g we are going on a £9.50 holiday withthe sun newspaper but she will just be told we are going away and therefore think we have more money and can put in another claim. I'm not saying she will , these are just the panics running theough my mind. And I dont want to have to watch what we say. We have alwayts had an open easy realtionship with the children - I dont want it to be them and us.

Not sure I feel better, but thanks for listening if you go this far.

Surfermum Wed 06-Jul-05 23:09:27

Hi Cuppy. Did she say why she contacted them? If you were all getting on I don't really understand why she didn't just say she needed a bit more money.

cuppy Wed 06-Jul-05 23:14:49

Exactly Sufermum, thats exactly it! At first she said she didnt want to mention it because dp becomes aggressive when she mentions money. Now I'm not being the 'can only see my side , totally blind to my husbands faults' kind of wife here , but he is not like that at all. They have only discussed money once and Ive said what happened then.
Then later she said she didnt want to stand on the doorstep and ask for money from him - that she doesnt want to ask him for anything. I am trying to understand that.

Alannah Wed 06-Jul-05 23:28:04

Ok, she has a point, she shouldn't have to ask him for money. She should have a fair amount of money to cover the childrens expenses and that's what the CSA are there to enforce. My dp's ex often threatened 'to go to the CSA' until she did and they told her not to rock the boat and that she was doing better than they would have reccommended

Surfermum Wed 06-Jul-05 23:36:28

I can understand why you're upset, I think I would feel stabbed in the back. Why on earth not just say she needed more money. Try not to be too worried about the CSA though, there are some horror stories but my dh got a very fair assessment, and when his x phoned him to smugly say she'd "shopped" him to the CSA and they didn't know he had a mortgage and that he was having another baby (err, no he hadn't told them as he didn't want her payments going down), they reassessed him and his payments went down. Talk about shoot yourself in the foot. Like you though, there's an open offer to help her out and get anything that dsd needs, but she never takes us up on the offer.

assumedname Wed 06-Jul-05 23:42:33

Just curious - have no experience of the csa. How do you know what the csa would say you have to pay? Are you just going on what the ex says?

Surfermum Wed 06-Jul-05 23:46:31

I think these days it's 15% of the absent parent's salary for one child, 20% for 2.

Alannah Wed 06-Jul-05 23:48:31

The CSA have a great website, there's loads of info on it

cuppy Thu 07-Jul-05 15:07:14

Assumedname - no ,we rang them , plus they sent through info with the claim. You hit the nail Surfermum - stabbed in the back - I dont begrudge her ANYTHING for the children at all, I just feel so hurt that I try so hard and it feeld like its all for nothing.

Caligula Thu 07-Jul-05 15:31:41

More fool her, because the CSA assess everything at poverty levels, well below what most decent fathers would be willing to pay for their children.

Has she recently gone on benefits? Because if so, then she would have had no choice in making a claim - you have to, unless you state that you have reasonable fear of violence from the ex. That's the only reason I could imagine for her rocking the boat like this. If not, she's just not communicating very well and I can understand you feeling very upset by her behaviour.

cuppy Thu 07-Jul-05 21:03:07

No Caligula she isnt on benfits, she earns more than dh actually. I am trying to see her side of it , I really am. It does appear that she has a large overdraft and is quite a bit in debt...but like I said before we are happy to pay, for the children. But I guess it cant be very nice having to ask your ex for money , if she's proud or something, I dont know. Mayne she thought the csa would be easier.I would just like to be treated with a little more decency , thats all.

aloha Thu 07-Jul-05 21:07:16

She's very silly. Your partner would almost certainly pay less via the CSA. My dh's ex was constantly threatening to 'go to the csa' until she did, out of sheer vindictiveness - she's never had to ask dh for money and anyway she is married to a millionaire and is rolling in the stuff - and they said he was overpaying!

aloha Thu 07-Jul-05 21:09:02

Don't let it bother you - people's actions have nothing to do with other people 9 times out of ten, it is to do with them and their own feelings/beliefs. It's not about you at all. Don't take it personally (actually, that is a fantastic rule to live by - don't take anything personally. )

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