This doesn't seem to get any easier...

[Holly02]

Hi all.... it's been a while but I just thought I'd get this off my chest.

Just discovered in the last couple of days (while ss has been staying with a relative) that ss accessed our internet account details late one night, and changed our internet useage limit quite significantly - which has resulted in us being billed for an extra $100 per month. (It was done back in April but we only recently found out). He apparently did this because he wanted to get a faster 'download speed'... he didn't ask permission to do it so of course didn't mention it to anyone. If it was up to me he'd be paying the b**y bill himself!! He also took one of my CD's without asking me, and now I'm wondering if I'll ever get it back.

DH was understandably angry about the internet issue and has banned ss from using the internet for a while, but now ss is 'sulking' and thinks he's been badly done by. On the weekend he also wanted to take our television to a friend's place so they could have a 'playstation party' or something, and he's also been in a pretty bad mood because dh wouldn't let him take it. Neither of us felt comfortable with him taking some expensive property to someone's place that we don't even know. Anyway.. it was his birthday a few days ago, so I gave him a shirt that I had bought him (despite the sneaking around that he's been doing lately!). It's a really nice top and I've seen him wearing similar things, so thought he would be happy with it since he always maintains that he doesn't have enough clothes. I gave it to him and he just looked at it and said "I'm into shirts with collars now, so I probably wouldn't wear that." I've never seen him wear a shirt with a collar before (just wears T-shirt type things), so I said "Oh - ok, do you want me to return it then?" And he said "Yeah, you may as well." So I just put it back in the bag and I'm going to return it this week. No 'thank you' or anything from him at all. Now this may be 'normal' for teenagers or it may not be, but all I know is that it is enough to drive you to distraction. I am really starting to realise how self-absorbed they can be, and what little regard they have for anyone else. I'm sure all teenagers aren’t like this but it seems to be the norm. I try REALLY hard for a while, and then I just find myself thinking "bugger it".

Sigh... that's it - thank you for listening. I'm just looking for that light at the end of the tunnel........................

[sashaboo]

Not much advice I'm afraid but lots of sympathy. It sounds emotionally exhausting but try not to rise to the bait and keep your cool.

TBH I would try and be sneaky back, ask if he wants to go shopping with you to choose a new shirt (in front of DH), if he says no then sound disappointed or give him the money for it and say what a shame it is that he didn't like the shirt as you thought it was very him, again in front of DH. But also try not to get caught up in any games. My step sister always used to ask my mum for things when her father was in the room (still does in her 30s!) or asks him to ask her on the phone. It's transparent at our great age but was subtle enough when we were teenagers.

Teenagers can be horrible at the best of times but I would try to treat him as if he was a little baby in terms of not getting wound up. Try and keep calm and if it gets too stressful, leave the room but do it as if you have to make a phone call, cook some food, etc. don't let him see he's got to you. Then later start again.

Hope things improve.

[winnie1]

Holly02, sorry you are having such a stressful time. Tbh I would make ss pay at least a percentage of the internet bill. Like you I would be furious if either of my children did this. Using other peoples personal items with out asking isn't on and he does need to learn this whether he is a teenager or not.
As for the rudeness regarding his birthday present it seems to me he's simply hurting you because he can. I would not change it myself for him (he could turn round and do the same thing)but insist it is done together and I certainly wouldn't hand over the cash (simply because you gave him a present and if you'd wanted to give him money that is what you'd have chosen to do in the first place). Out of interest - and I'm sorry if this seems an odd question - why didn't dh and you give ss a joint present? Reading between the lines of earlier posts it does seem you don't get enough support from ss father and ss knows this. I am not sure how you crack this but have lots of sympathy as teenagers can be hard work at the best of times and with a toddler as well (snap, I know exactly what thats like) one can have days of wondering which is the teenager an dwhich is the toddler IYKWIM...
Best Wishes Winniex

[Holly02]

Winnie - I won't be giving him any cash, don't worry! I may just return it to the shop and not bother about replacing it, due to the fact that he seemed so uninterested in receiving a present.

DH actually said he would pay for driving lessons for ss as a birthday present, which I suppose is a joint present from us - I just thought (I must have been having a 'nice' moment) that I would get him something extra on his birthday. But there you go, it made no difference!!!!!

The thing that confuses me is that ss is quite pleasant to me most of the time and doesn't usually act as rude as that - which is why it shocked me I suppose. I know he's capable of that horrible bad tempered attitude that teenagers get, but he normally saves that for dh.

After he got in trouble for the internet business (he didn't apologise for that either), all he could say to dh was "I can't wait until I move out so I don't have to listen to you anymore." They just don't give a c**p, do they? He didn't seem to care at all about what he'd done.

I just hope our marriage can hang in there for a while longer (until he's gone), because sometimes I'm not so sure.

[suedonim]

Holly02, sorry to hear about your problems - I'd be fizzing, too. This link has info on why Teenagers act as they do, maybe it will help. Best wishes.

[Worriedbev]

I am having terrible resentment problems with my partner's son who is 18. I get on ok with his daughters, the eldest of whom is only 5 years younger than me. His son used to live with his dad until I came along with my daughter. We all lived together for a couple of months but my daughter was sleeping in our room. My partner asked his son to go and live at his mums which he did rather relucantly. Anyway the problem is his mum is in Australia at the moment with her daughter and the son visits us constantly every night. I am beginning to hate the situation and have said something to my partner about it, saying I just want some time to us and he got angry about it, saying he couldnt neglect his son especially whilst his mum was away and when his mum comes back it will be different like it was before, we wont see much of him, but I have my doubts. What do I do as I cant take this much more. I dont mind visits every two to three nights but not every night. Am I being selfish. It is stressing me out so much that I am dreading the doorbell go at night. He only stays for a quick cup of tea, anything from 10 to 30 minutes, but the resentment is building up. Please help me.

Beverley

[colditzmum]

Um, worried bev, how would you feel if your parter said your daughter couldn't come to or be in the house? He is only 18, and he has a right to see his dad, if you don't like him you can always leave the room. You wouldn't tolerate someone asking you not to see your daughter. I know there is an age gap, but his dad still loves him, and I think you were harsh for making him move out of his home in the first place.

I really am not intending to hurt your feelings, I would hate to do that, but you did ask.

[zubb]

If its only for 10 - 30 minutes then can you not just get on with what you would do anyway?
It must be nice for his Dad that he wants to see him every day - even if its just because his Mum is away.
I think you need to be careful of saying that he can't come round. If he accepted being asked to move out thats all credit to him, but I think to then say that he can't pop in everyday may underline that he's not important to his Dad - just thinking from his POV.
I was unwelcome in my Dads house because of my step-mum, and my relationship with my Dad has never recovered (even though she has now gone).

[Caligula]

Worriedbev, yes, I think you are being selfish.

From his point of view, you've chased him out of his home and now resent him coming to see his father. You sound like the stereotype wicked stepmother.

Sorry, but if anyone should be resentful, it's him, not you.

Well, you did ask.

[aloha]

Gosh, yes, I think you ought to read your message worriedbev and seriously think about how you would feel if it was you who wasn't welcome in your father's house when you were 18 (esp if you had been forced out against your will by a stepmother and stepsister), and also think how you would feel if you were forced to give up your daughter by a new partner who bitterly resented her. I'm a stepmother myself, I have always realised that my stepdaughter was there before me, that I cannot expect my husband to love one of his children less than the others just because I'm not her mother and that she is part of our family. The poor lad only pops round for a cup of tea! What kind of man do you wish you had married? A nasty bit of work who will happily turn his back on his own children? Surely not!
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but really, I think if you try to feel some empathy here you might find your feelings of resentment disappear. I truly hope so. I'm not sure that relationships can survive if you constantly try to drive a wedge between a parent and child. If (God forbid) I ended up in a position where I had a new partner and they started criticising my kids, let alone suggesting they move out, he would be out on the street before he could take his next breath.

[Surfermum]

Bev is there anything else you can go and do on some of the days at the time he normally visits? Pop out somewhere, or have a nice, relaxing bath? (or come on mumsnet?!).

[Nelli29]

worriedbev
No experience in this I'm afraid but just wanted to say that I can appreciate how difficult this must be for you , your DH and your SS. I have a sd who is 6 and have had to overcome many feelings and situations etc which I have found incredibly hard, I can't imagine how to deal with the whole teenage thing but I guess I have it all to come.

All I will say is that I was a terrible teenager, I was awful to my parents (who were together then and still are now) and I got in with the wrong crowd etc.. (nothing too bad just behaviour and attitude problems really,) although the situation differs because my parents were together my point is that although at the time I did not appreciate them or what they were trying to do for me, now that I am older I thank god for my parents, if it wasn't for them continuing to care and not giving up on me (although I wouldn't have blamed them) god knows what mess I would have got myself into. I just don't think that it matters if parents are together or not, if your ss feels that he needs alot of contact with his dad at the moment, then, and I know its hard for you but he has to be there for him, theres no question. If this was your child you would do the same, and believe me I know how hard it is and my sd is still only 6! I think in the long run if you can be as supportive of your dh and ss as you feel you can when ss is older I'm sure he will look back and see that you did what you could and he will have more of a understanding of how difficult is was for you and will respect you for supporting him rather than going against him! ( easier said then done I know) I hope this is of some help

Good luck

Nelli

[HappyMumof2]

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[LapsedGymJunkie]

Worriedbev






and you are how old ??

I normally take the middle ground on here but you have made my blood boil.

[HappyMumof2]

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[Nelli29]

HappyMumof2 I'm sorry if my message wasn't clear, I agree with you. This lad has every right to as much contact as he wants with his dad. I was just trying to say how glad I was for my parents supporting me and how even more important it is for separated familes to have that same support!!

[HappyMumof2]

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[beansprout]

WorriedBev - it's the strength of your reaction which stands out from your post. It suggests that you feel threatened by him in some way as what he is doing is not unreasonable. As Aloha said, surely you wouldn't want your dp to reject him? And also, surely you wouldn't want your dp to reject your daughter?

I understand that you just want the people in your house that you like and feel close to, but really, what has this lad done that you don't like so much?

[HappyMumof2]

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[Nelli29]

Just to say that my dh has a 6 year old and I can see that some would think it is 'pathetic' etc to feel threatened by the s/children but from my experience it is a hard situation to get used to and so very complex. In my case the bm is a little fiery and although I get on very well with my sd and we have her every other weekend and always have a good time, there are times when I have a little private cry or I feel down because of the situation. Its not that I am insecure in my relationship or jealous or anything like that, and I think it is only fair to see things from all angels. Being a stepparent is hard. Made harder in my case as I have always wanted a child but unfortunately have had no luck yet so each time we see sd its like a slap in the face aswell for me. Ofcourse I would never try to come between sd and dh and if I did try I would be bitterly disappointed if my dh let me!! and I do obviously accept that my dh has had a life before me but someetimes I wish that sd could come live with us it would make things so much easier.

worriedbev are you still out there? bit concerned you've logged on for a bit of support and have just been shot down by us all! Let us know how things are going!

[beansprout]

Before I was a step parent I would have thought it odd too, but despite my very best intentions, that is how it has felt. Has to be experienced to be understood I think.

[Nelli29]

I agree beansprout well said

[Nickinha]

Back to the origional post from Holly02....

I have two sd's and I can imagine how you feel!!! Sadly their mother lives in SAfrica and has very little contact with them, so I have to be their "mother". Only thing is, my dh does not approve if I yell at them - gets mad at me, he also does not agree with how I want to raise my dd (being firm) and always tells me they are just children????? 16&13 yrs. So basically I just have to live with how they are! My problem is my dd has to move in with the youngest sd who's room is disgustingly dirty and always smells.... I would go mental if I had to go in there and sort out the room so I just avoid ever going in there... dh goes in every morning to wake her and does not seem to mind the state!!! What do I do? Same question as you hey...

[HappyMumof2]

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[HappyMumof2]

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[HappyMumof2]

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