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Birth mum / step mum relationships

(11 Posts)
MamaMaiasaura Sat 02-Jul-05 23:38:12

I felt inclined to post here, although not a step mum I am birth mum and my xp has a partner. They have been together for a while now. Basically I wanted to say that I have absolutely no problem with her at all. She suggested a while back we meet up and was open and honest with me and allayed any fears I may have had. Last night I met up with xp and her to sort bits out surronding ds and she was again really reasonable. We occasional text and if we bump into eachother will chat about her kids and ds and have coffee etc.

It would have been so easy to build her up to be a nasty person in my head and to have a negative relationship and I guess it would have been just as easy for her to do the same. I am so glad that she approached me and that we are able to talk, sometimes easier than i can to xp cos he doesnt always get the 'mum' point of view and his partner is mum of 4 older children.

I think for ds this is a really good thing as we all care very much about him. She also made it clear she wasnt wanting to be 'mum' to ds either.

I guess if she had been alot younger, without kids and less 'worldly wise' things could have been different iykwim.

Was a bit worried about posting on here because I am not a step parent myself and have posted on other threads here but then wondered if it was the 'done thing'

Squirrel3 Sun 03-Jul-05 09:09:26

If only all BM's were like you, it would make things so much easier for the children. From what I can tell from the other step-mums that post on here most of the problems being a step-parent are dealing with Birth Mothers that are having a hard time with the fact that their X has a new partner, the children are the ones who ultimately get hurt being stuck in the middle.

I take my hat off to you, your ds is very lucky.

AnnaInManchester Sun 03-Jul-05 09:12:54

I think it's brilliant that you get on with both your xp and his partner! You hear so many stories of women not wanting their children seeing the new women in their ex's lives, that its refreshing to hear that you're all getting along and it must be great for ds having 3 people who love him so much.

MamaMaiasaura Sun 03-Jul-05 10:02:17

I have to say if she wasnt already a mum or perhaps with the outlook she has it might have been diff. She is divorced herself and is a bit older than xp and me (her eldest is married).

Of course there was the initial fears over who she was and was she a nice person etc etc but the fact that we met and talked etc made such a big diff. I also know that it wasnt because of her me and xp broke up as he never cheated on me or i him.

She also will say if xp is wrong iykwim. for example sorting out paperwork.. he is like yeah will sort it and then forgets. She reminds him

Catsmother Sun 03-Jul-05 18:26:02

I really really wish I could have written your post Awen.

I am a birth mum, and latterly, a "step" mum too, though I hate the term itself. Long before becoming a SM though, my son's dad had remarried and I therefore found myself in your position. However, relations between ex and myself are cool, albeit civil and therefore I could never actually see myself becoming friends with his new wife. Also, they live 70 miles away, so not really very practical. Having said that, whenever we've spoken on the phone, we've both been perfectly polite in leaving & passing on messages for example, and I am confident that my existence as a BM, and "ex" causes no problem for my ex & his wife .... they get on with their life, I get on with mine. Neither of us comment on personal stuff.

My current partner & fiance has the ex from hell though ..... maybe you might have picked up on some of the detail in recent posts I've made/contributed to. Despite the fact I met DP 2.5 yrs after they agreed to split, and despite the fact I was already a mum and had worked very hard to see my son right, obtaining a 1st class degree through studying into the early hours, working full time and never claimed benefits - apparently, I was a totally unsuitable person to be introduced to her children. She made up her mind she didn't like me - and told DPs children this - immediately, long before anything at all could possibly have happened to make her come to this conclusion and from that moment, has utterly refused to waver from this perception of me as some sort of monster. The surrounding bitterness, spite, game playing, using the skids as weapons etc is completely unnecessary. I am at a loss to understand it.

I so wish my BM could have been like you ..... as hopefully, I would describe myself as the same sort of person as your ex's new partner, and, also like you ..... just a parent, level headed, wanting to make the situation as easy as possible for all the kids involved. I have never tried to play mum - wouldn't want to - nor have I ever tried to influence DP in how often he should see his kids etc. I find it sickening to be such an object of hatred.

MamaMaiasaura Mon 04-Jul-05 09:47:55

thank you catsmother. You sound lovely and she sounds very messed up and angry.

I think it helps that i pretty much got 'over' xp first. Also my situation is pretty diff cos ds lived with xp for a time.

Squirrel3 Mon 04-Jul-05 16:20:03

I was going to ask if the very many BM's out there would like to contribute to this thread and try putting the other point of view across so that we as step mums could try to understand better how hard it is for you.

I realise that it must be extremely hard to allow your children to go and stay with someone who is basically a stranger to you; the step mum is your ex's choice of new partner and not someone that you might necessarily want looking after your children.

My DP has been married twice before and he has two children from each marriage. He had been separated from BM2 for 2 years before we met and she was living with her new partner.

I get on very well with the first BM but the second is another matter. She hates me although we have never met. She will say nasty things to my DP about me and my children, even worse she will say them to her children, its no wonder that the relationship between the children and myself is strained at times.

I consider myself to be a good mum, I have two grown up children and two young grandchildren, I have also worked with children aged 5 - 15, so I am not an inexperienced mother taking on children that I have no idea how to relate to, so why does the BM think that I have no idea?

I (as do most of the step mums on here) care deeply for my stepchildren and I work very hard to try and make sure that they are happy and well adjusted. I don't understand why the BM cannot 'work with me' to make sure that they are comfortable with the situation, instead she seems determined to make things difficult for all of us (sadly the children included).

I really don’t want this to degenerate into a bitchy thread, that helps no one; I’d just like to know the other point of view.

Catsmother Mon 04-Jul-05 16:34:21

Squirrel .... your post illustrates the conundrum I have, because, like you - I am both a BM and a stepmum.

So ... I too have been through wondering who it is my son is spending time with, what they're doing, how child and stepmum get on etc., etc. It is a strange thing to get your head round, especially at first because, when we have our children, it's not something most of us envisage ever happening. However, my view is that unless my son ever told me something of concern, to keep out of it. After all, whilst the stepmum is a stranger to me, she was chosen by my son's dad and I have to trust that he wouldn't place my son in any danger. I can honestly say I have no problem with my son's stepmum .... TBH, I am indifferent to her .... sure, I've had the occasional (selfish) twinge of jealousy at the thought of my son doing something "special" without me, but that works both ways, and his dad must feel the same. That in itself is certainly no reason to cause trouble with the stepmum. Basically, I just don't have any reason to ever think of doing such a thing.

Being a BM myself, as described above and having been a single mum for longer than my DP's ex, this is why I find her hostility to me so bewildering.

There you go, that's the other point of view, you could have written it yourself !

Squirrel3 Mon 04-Jul-05 16:48:30

Thank you catsmother,

I never had to deal with my children having a step mother, (my x left when I was expecting my second child and didn't want access) so I was a single mum for 14 years, but I'm sure I would've felt twinges of jealously and I probably would have panicked about dd being looked after properly (she is disabled and needed care 24/7 when she was younger).

Having said that I would hope that I would have put the children first and made sure that they were happy and I wouldn't have made everybody miserable by being difficult.

Surfermum Mon 04-Jul-05 22:12:55

It's so refreshing to see that a BM/SM relationship can work and good on you for making it so. You describe the relationship I'd like to have with dsd's mum, but don't have as she won't even speak to me. And you're more than welcome to post here - it's not a closed shop for us wicked step-mums! Another perspective in these situations is always helpful.

Lasvegas Fri 15-Jul-05 12:41:47

I am BM and was Single parent and am now SP. Luckily BM of my skids is cooperative (prob because DP pays her 2k a month to keep her sweet). It make no rational sense but I would not want my DD to spend time with my X husband's partner. X husb left a week after his DD was born and no contact since so this may be a factor. Also DD is 2.5. I work full time so time with DD very scare so no way would I want to share her with a stranger.

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