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This is exactly the kinda thing that upsets me

(15 Posts)
Tricks Fri 01-Jul-05 09:27:57


Ive posted on here recently the upset i have been going through re: the fact that ive been with my partner for 15 months and still havent meet his six year old son (due to my partner being concerned that allowing me on the scene would upset his ex wife and cause her to upset settlement and custody arrangements).

Anyway, partner said yesterday that next Saturday they are both going to a big family BBQ at his parents house.

He just doesnt seem to occur to him that i would like to go and socialise with his family too (as his long term girlfriend) and feel immediately excluded once again.

AND yet again, ive just let it go and not said how i feel ...... Am i now being unreasonable for feeling like this ?

ninah Fri 01-Jul-05 09:29:43

hi tricks
aren't you meeting dss in August? only one month to go ...

ggglimpopo Fri 01-Jul-05 09:31:13

Message withdrawn

WideWebWitch Fri 01-Jul-05 09:38:26

I really hope you don't get upset with me for suggesting this tricks and I could be (and probably am) way off but are you sure he has left his wife? Do you never see him at weekends ever? And if you don't (seem to remember that from other thread but may have got this wrong) see him at weekends at all can you call him? Please do ignore me if this is clearly not the case - I really hope I haven't offended you but I had a friend who believed her lover had left his wife to be with her when in fact he hadn't.
Anyway if this isn't the case then yes, I'd be cross in your position too - you and he need to talk abotu how serious your relationship is and where it's going.

Tricks Fri 01-Jul-05 09:39:28

Hi Ninah - I have given him to the end of August to sort the situation out one way or other .... but its just his complete unrecognition that this sort of thing might upset me.

Hence, why i needed to post on here first thing this morning to make sure i just wasnt being over sensitive !

Tricks Fri 01-Jul-05 09:44:26

wickedwaterwitch - thanks for replying.

I am absolutely 100% certain that he has left his wife ..... he lives with his flatemate and i see him every Saturday evening (once his son has gone home) and most Sundays - and three/ four times in the week. Ive also over heard numerous telephone conversations between him and his ex (NOT GOOD!) and seen various bits of paperwork dissolving their marriage.

WideWebWitch Fri 01-Jul-05 09:45:21

Oh ok tricks, phew! Sorry, I just have had this happen to 2 different friends! I'm glad it's not the case for you though

ninah Fri 01-Jul-05 09:47:27

Oh, I had misunderstood, I thought you and he had agreed to introduce you into the family this August, in which case horrid as it might be I'd hang on. However if this is not the case, I think I'd suggest coming along to the party, after all you have been toghether long enough .. is there ever going to be a 'right time'

Nelli29 Fri 01-Jul-05 10:27:48

I would be so upset if this was happening to me. On you orginal post your said that 'they' are going to the bbq, do you mean just your partner and child or partner ex and child?

Catsmother Fri 01-Jul-05 10:54:52

Tricks, do sympathise with you. Being introduced to a partner's child(ren) especially if relationship between DP and ex is accrimonious can be awkward, but after all this time, and with plans to move in together, I too, would be wondering why I was being left out of such an important part of my partner's life.

Leaving aside his son for a moment, have you met any of his family. Again, given timescale and plans, I would have thought that he'd have wanted you to meet them too by now ..... and a "big" family BBQ is probably an ideal opportunity, with lots of people milling about, and no pressure to maintain long one to one conversations with his parents.

It must be very difficult ...... certainly I'd feel that when you're making plans to move in with someone, which I'd take as a pretty serious indication of my b/f's feelings for me, that I'd also want to be included in most other aspects of his life. You know, though it's a scary prospect, I'd also be giving quite some thought to the ultimatum aspect ....

Tricks Fri 01-Jul-05 13:14:43

Hi - yep i mean 'they' as in my boyfriend and his son (definitely not his ex wife !!)

I have met his parents, once before - we went out to dinner with them, and all got on really well. So at least they do know about me.

I think im going to have another word to my boyfriend about this tomorrow evening, and explain that this is exactly why i feel its important to start building my relationship with his son.

I just wish that perhaps he would consider my feelings himself without me having to spell it out to him (but hey, i guess thats guys all over).

I really love my boyfriend but i feel so strongly about all of this, that if he doesnt start integrating me by August im going to have to walk away

Listmaker Fri 01-Jul-05 13:28:49

Tricks he should be grateful that you want to be involved and meet his son. It's not right that he keeps you apart like this if you have a future together.

My friends exp kept his daughter away from his girlfriend quite a lot. She did meet her but the gf wasn't keen on kids and the little girl is all over her daddy and she was just plain jealous I think. So to make life simple he kept them apart but then he decided to get married to her but the gf didn't want the girl at the wedding because 'she'd steal the limelight' WTF?!! It led to lots of upset all round really. If he'd just brought them together more earlier it would be much simpler and the gf would have been more used to the girl and she may have been less clingy to her dad.

My dp's ex is a pain in arse too but he's never hidden our relationship from her even though she doesn't like it!!

You need to make it plain how you feel about this and get him to sort it!! You can't let the BM dictate your lives - that's a rocky path to take!

aloha Fri 01-Jul-05 13:36:19

I can understand your boyfriend's position in many ways. My dh and his ex had a frostily amicable relationship until she found out that he was going out with me and had met his daughter. Then she want BALLISTIC. She took him to court to try to reduce his contact to one day a month (from every weekend, which is what it was at the time) and tried to truly screw him over financially. It was a total nightmare. It was like flipping a switch. One minute OK - next minute war. She'd never met me, just glimpsed me once, but she went loony and if my dh had been in the middle of a divorce from her I am sure she would have chucked any settlement in the bin and gone for the jugular (which she did even though they'd never been married and she had left him for another man with whom she was living expecting a baby). Having said that, you have to meet this boy sometime soon or you don't have a relationship. Can you discuss time scales with him? I am sure this does not mean he doesn't love you or want a future with you. It probably just means that he doesn't want his ex to kick off, to lose his son and his security and to drag you into what could become a very stressful, upsetting and acrimonious situation.

otto Fri 01-Jul-05 13:48:41

Agree with Aloha about his reasons for stopping you from meeting his son. We had a similar experience and because neither dp or I were willing to, or could afford to, put up a fight we lost out financially in quite a big way. It didn't effect access though as bm is always more than keen for us to have sd, but I won't harp on about that now! Do you know how far down the line you are with divorce? If you know that then you can discuss some realistic time to meet his son. Being involved in a divorce is pretty traumatic, so even if this seems injust to you now, you may well be better off not getting drawn into it.

Ilovemonkeynuts Wed 27-Jul-05 21:03:03

Tricks this is a very awkward situation to be in and I feel for you!

I had a similar situation 2 years ago when dp said I would be introduced to his 2 children after his divorce was finalised. It came through and still no mention of meeting the children. What did occur was that my dp was also 'entertaining' his xw simultaneously so of course I wasn't going to be introduced to the children. Won't go into that any further...need to start a new thread for that!

A parent should always put the child's best interests first and as a step parent it is something you have to accept.
Good luck and keep smiling

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