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Me again !

(12 Posts)
Tricks Mon 27-Jun-05 11:43:44


My first, rather frank and honest post stimulated much debate on this board ..... i took a great deal from all of replies and have kept away for the last few days because i wanted to really think about the responses and assess my feelings and to be honest think about whether my relationship had a secure future. I have started a new thread because i genuinely want advice and support and don't really want to get involved with bm v sm debate - that really is not going to help me at the moment !

I think my feelings of jealously and insecurity towards my partner's son are hinged on the fact that i have not meet him. With this conclusion i talked to my partner at the weekend (again) and basically said that i wanted to know when i could be introduced to his little boy, i needed a date to work towards ..... my partner again said not until the divorce is finalised .... (which could be a while yet as they as they are waiting for their family home to be sold before the settlement to be agreed) .... things got a bit heated and i basically said that if we are going to have a future i need to be slowly integrated. He eventually agreed to compromise, and we have decided that at the end of August i am going to be introduced. I actually feel much more settled with this and am kinda now looking forward to getting to know this little chap. BUT please advise on how best to handle this meeting as i am SO NERVOUS. My partner wants to be honest with his ex and explain to her who I am .... but we were thinking of saying to his son that im a good friend and perhaps me just spending the odd day trip out with them ? I really love my partner, and i am so anxious that this works - hated putting pressure on him at the weekend but i just think that if we are going to have a life together it is vital i appreciate the most important element in his life ASAP.

Nightynight Mon 27-Jun-05 12:07:07

Saying that you're a good friend is a good idea I think. Am trying to remember, but I think that's approximately what dx has said to my children about his female friends. They take it all pretty much in their stride (the children I mean). So dont be too nervous! you dont need to over-explain things.

You sound really committed to succeeding with this, good luck.

Fio2 Mon 27-Jun-05 12:09:28

good luck tricks sounds like the right wayto go and dont be nervous

Caligula Mon 27-Jun-05 12:14:04

what a brave soul you are Tricks, welcome back!

No advice except to say well done on thinking through everything and coming to a decision and don't be too nervous - he's not going to be judging you. Hope it all goes well for you.

SadSam Mon 27-Jun-05 12:19:04

Hi Tricks

Thank you for posting again. I was very disappointed in the bitch fight that broke out after your last post.

I think if im honest, your feelings are totally normal. I am stepmum to my partners 3 children and I was introduced to them from the start of our relationship 3 years ago. I have never felt jelous of his children, but I have been saddened sometimes that my partner has had something with his ex that he has not had with me. I think when you love someone these are totally normal feelings.

You are lucky in a way, you are young and if you want a child of your own with your partner in the future then you can. I am 34 and have no children of my own as yet. I would love one of my own, especially seeing how my partner is with his children, but his ex has threatened to stop him seeing his children if we have a child. Anyway that is another story and as you said you dont want to get involved in bm v sm debates.

I do not quite understand why your partner has wanted to wait so long to introduce you to his son. I believe you have been together 15 months? That is a long time to be together without meeting his "family". I think if I am honest, that would have made me feel a little insecure too! Him getting divorced etc should not stop you seeing his child, and I can only assume that it is because he didnt want to put his son through too much change at one time!

I do think however, when you are introduced, that he should be honest with his son and tell him that you are an item. Children are not stupid, they do know! For example if his son thinks you are "only good friends" does that mean that you still wont be able to stay with your partner when he has his son to visit in case he sees you in bed together?

I think you are right to stand your ground about seeing his son and although it will take time, I believe it is much better when the children are younger rather than older. With regards to meeting him for the first time, the only thing I can suggest is that you be yourself. Be friendly, kind, not too pushy and give him space on his own as well as with his dad.

I agree you did need to put a little pressure on him and if you are planning on being with this man for the rest of your life then his son will be your stepson for the rest of your life.

I wont pretend that being a stepmum is always easy as its not, but it can be rewarding. More than that, you will feel closer to your partner as you will be able to share his son with him.

Im not sure if I have been any help, but please keep posting and hopefully the genuine help and advice you will receive will be of some comfort to you. Sam xx

otto Mon 27-Jun-05 12:21:13

That's very good news. I can't remember the details of my first meeting with sd. She was four at the time, so I don't think she thought much of it. Dp used to take her out and about with him all the time anyway and I had, in fact, already met her when she was younger, so she took it all in her stride and I was just somebody else she could play with.

LJsmum Mon 27-Jun-05 12:33:14

Hi Tricks
Good to see you back again. I didn't meet my dh's children for a while either (we didn't get married for 5 years after we met), he also wanted to keep them out of the picture until things got sorted out between him and his ex-wife. From what I remember, it was at least twelve months before I met them. Intially dh told them I was just a good friend too. I was also VERY nervous, they were only young at the time (2 and 5 yrs old) and I wasn't sure how well I would relate to them.

We met up at a cafe and bought the kids some lunch, it was a nice relaxed atmosphere and I actually ended up playing a game with the eldest child while we were sitting at the table, it was just something really simple, but a good ice-breaker! They were nice kids, the eldest had some reservations and it took him a while to warm up to me but otherwise we got very used to each other after a while. It was a gradual process really. Dh and I always tried to make it fun when they were around, we were always respectful of their mother and there was never any negative talk in front of them - I think that's really important because they obviously care for both their parents and I don't think it's fair for them to get sucked into any bad feeling between the adults. Initially their mother didn't make things easy for us but as she moved on with her life, we all managed to compromise and fit in with each other whenever necessary. After many years she even became a friend. Boy that took some time though... much water under the bridge since then.

There will always be ups and downs Tricks, & so much depends on the attitudes of everyone involved. I hope that it all goes well for you & I think it helps to seek the support of people who have been in the same situation from time to time.

Tricks Mon 27-Jun-05 12:35:17

Thank you for your support, im sure i will be posting on here reguarly to update you with my progress!!

Sam - my partner is currently divorcing his wife and access and maintenance arrangements (after much disagreement between the parties) has ended up being decided in court - he was concerned that if i was introduced to his son whilst this was going on, his ex would play difficult and in turn cause real problems. I do appreciate where my partner is coming from, but all of this process has taken much longer than anyone thought and im not prepared to put my life on 'hold' any further.

I understand exactly what you are saying re: telling his son who i am. We may have to re-think this one, because i DO want to be honest, i just dont want to upset this little boy anymore than i have to.

Surfermum Mon 27-Jun-05 13:11:51

I'm so pleased you came back Tricks. I can relate to how you're feeling, and I think you're right that it isn't helped by the fact that this little boy is an "unknown".

I can understand your husband keeping you in the background though. Dh did the same with me. Things were so acrimonious, BM was sitting in Court saying she never wanted dh to see his dd again. She had no good reason to do this - as the Court discovered - but at the time we didn't want my existence to complicate things and I didn't want to get dragged into things. There was some pretty awful mud slinging going on at dh. Looking back I'm sure that was the right decision, for us anyway.

When it came to meeting dd, we just introduced my as Daddy's friend. She was only 4 and that was all she needed to know. Her mum had another partner who moved in the same weekend as she asked dh to leave, so a parent with a new partner wasn't anything new to her and she just accepted it. We went to the zoo and I just concentrated on making sure she had a fun time. I had a sleepless night the night before, but I really had nothing to worry about and we got on really well.

It does sound to me too like you're going to be fine with him, and you've got us now to help you! I found "The Relate Guide to Second Families" to be really useful and that gave me lots of insight into what's going on for everyone.

Good luck with it all.

ninah Mon 27-Jun-05 13:23:58

Hello Tricks! great news. I wouldn't worry TOO much about explaining who you are. Maybe just all do something the first time like bowling etc, poss with a friend of dss?
I was petrified when I first met my dss but he took it all in his stride poss cos he had met quite a lot of dp's girlfriend ... he disliked the one prior to me as he mispronounced her name and she told dp in front of him 'tell YOUR son not to be rude to me' this is the kind of thing that would stick in your mind. If you approach him with love and a welcome he will reciprocate I'm sure, it is a good age to meet him at 6, you have plenty of time to watch him grow up.
Good luck! it doesn't inevitably have to be difficult and a struggle.

valleygirl Mon 27-Jun-05 17:12:58

Hi - phew your post ended up being totally hijacked and was really quite tedious, so glad you came back!!
My advice to meetign your dss to be - just be yourself, don't try and over-compensate to make him like you, kids know fakers when they meet one, instinctively!! You sound like a nice person with all the best intentions in the world, and i think this is what you shoudl let shine through when you meet him.
Have a chilled out day - can't remember how old he is - 3? well, you need do no more than take him to the park, push him on the swings, run around with him and buy him an ice cream!
I think it's ok for you to be referred to as daddy's girlfriend, that doesn't mean very much to most 3 years olds.
I can see that he is nervous that hsi ex will use you as ammunition, or will fuel any animosity she may have, especially if she is still single. But to be honest if she is going to get the hump about you beign in his life, that will happen whether it's now or in a years time when the divorce is finalised.
glad he's listened to yuor concerns and been sensitive to them too!

MamaMaiasaura Tue 28-Jun-05 00:31:49

Welcome back tricks. I am bm but for a while my ds lived with xp. I had the process of introducing ds to new partner. Because kids can be really affected by break ups etc I took it really slowly and dp didnt meet ds at first until i was more confident of dp. Then when he did it was as a friend really to allow their relationship to form and as well without pressures of ds thinking dp was in competeition with him iyswim. NOw we all live together and their relationship is really good. He doesnt call him dad or anything like that but sees him as an important person and does look up to him. Of course xp will always be present in our lives as ds has regular contact. I am even meeting xp and his partner for chat etc this week. My dp has had to deal with this part of it and i have helped him as best i can. It is important to remember that although your dp is divrcing his wife she wil always have some influence over your lives due to the children - this isnt always a bad thing and can be really positive for children. Hopefully ds can see that although his daddy and I dont live together we are still very much there for him and can still get on.

Sorry if i scared you on the last thread btw

hth. Off to bed now..

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