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(23 Posts)
Guardianangel Wed 22-Jun-05 09:48:33

Had a peek in the archives and couldnt find a thread on good/bad stepmum experiences. I think we will hear from both sides of the fence on this thread but have a feeling mainly from the ex's. Mmmm lets see.

soapbox Wed 22-Jun-05 09:52:11

Aloha normally has some very positive step-mothering stories. She seems to have a lovely relationship with her step-daughter

Guardianangel Wed 22-Jun-05 09:58:38

Ahh, that is good

edam Wed 22-Jun-05 10:16:49

Can't resist this one, as a step-daughter.

I wasn't particularly keen on my (now ex-) stepmother. She's not the sort of person I would choose as a close friend, IYSWIM. And she's been a dreadful parent to my half-sister. Although that could be explained by her own nightmarish family background - I guess we are shaped by what we see as children and she's certainly done a whole lot better than her own parents did for her. I think at times she's seen us - certainly my sister - as rivals for the affection of my half-sister. But that's because we've been desperately trying to protect my half-sister from some awful stuff that went on.

We've always been civil, and even had some fun together in the sort of way you might with a colleague you wouldn't choose as a best friend but might find yourself spending time out of the office with. But she's done stuff like insisting on getting in the car with my, my dh and my dad at my wedding (WTF???? I've got a perfectly good mother of my own, thanks very much. And sitting on the top table at my wedding with no invitation when she was already divorced from my dad. And getting in the car with me, dad, dh and my sister at my grandmother's funeral. Again, post-divorce. WTF???)

No idea what she'd say about her experience of step-parenting us, though! Maybe that I was not too bad (since I've never actually let her know I'm not her best mate) but my sister was a nightmare?

My mother v. bitter about ex-step mum, because, for example, my father was defaulting on the maintenance while mother was unemployed and step-mum was merrily ordering new carpet and then replacing it a month later.

Soooo my advice to step-mothers would be accept that you may be resented by small children (it's not their fault their parents split up, they didn't ask you into their lives) and don't force yourself into prominence at the family events of your step-children, or once you are divorced from their father!

Bet the MN step-mothers are a lot better-behaved than mine, though.

Guardianangel Wed 22-Jun-05 10:28:46

Edam, Yes my experience as a step mum is the reverse. We struggle whilst the x seems to have money to burn. Ordering new kitchen, bathroom, television, 3 pc suite, replacement windows and it goes on. I struggle with back complaint that I feel would be extravagant to spend £50 a visit to a chiropracter to sort out! Poor DH working socks off to fund two families. Quick hijack, you are in Harpenden arent you, do you have any pubs, eateries with ball ponds for kids close to you? I am near hitchin.

emily05 Wed 22-Jun-05 10:36:46

My stepmum was awful. She was really jealous if I saw my Dad, did her best to keep us apart (even though I didn't live with him) and eventually drove such a wedge that I saw my Dad once a year at the most! She even sent me hate mail. Backfired on my Dad though because she was half his age and eventually left him for somebody her own age!

My stepdad was abusive (both pysically and mentally) and made my childhood a living hell.

So my experience of step parents was terrible. (just my personal experience obviously)

On a positive my Dad has a new girlfriend who is lovely. And over the past couple of years we have worked hard at rebuiding our relationship. I will never forgive either of my parents for making my childhood a nightmare and letting their partners treat me (and my brother) like that. However thay have both acknowlegdged to me that they regret what they did and now we are all getting on much better.

edam Wed 22-Jun-05 15:18:51

Guardianangel, yes, I am, and there's a pub here with a bouncy castle. Don't know one with a ball pool though - there's soft play places but they aren't really what you are after, I guess.

Guardianangel Wed 22-Jun-05 19:42:09

soft places are ok, Any suggestions?

MamaMaiasaura Thu 23-Jun-05 13:30:02

My xp new partner (well they have been together over 2 years now) seems really nice. We had a meeting (just 2 of us) down the pub. She was really honest and open. She already had children of her own. She explained that she didnt ever want to replace me and ds's mum and that whilst she cared very much for my ds she wouldnt ever love him like me or his dad do iykwim. We only bumped into eachother last week and had coffee and chat. I think it helps that she is older than xp and me and has older kids - been through divorce herself etc. She seems to be a great calming influence and my ds thinks she is cool too. I have to admit when ds first talked about her and a coouple of times said her name 'xxx-mum' kind of hurt but i didnt say anyhing and he just calls her by her name now. I think there is always initial feeling of jealousy and it is normal but it fizzled out pretty quick. tbh if I am glad xp is with this woam cos she is so nice and obviously a well balanced happy mum herself.

I have a step dad (no step mum) and love my step dad to bits. It depends on the person more than the role.

monkeytrousers Sun 26-Jun-05 10:23:30

What about good/bad step dad experiences GA?

Weatherwax Sun 26-Jun-05 11:37:17

I love my second step dad to bits and I respect him. This doesn't affect my father who I think also respects him. The first step dad was just too young though. Mum and current step dad have been together over 20 years and they fit together so well. Coming from a "broken" home its nice to have an example of how well a relationship can work

edam Sun 26-Jun-05 11:39:29

Oops guardianangel, sorry had forgotten about this thread. There's a softplay place just on the north side of St Albans - can't rememer what it's called helpfully - wil Google it for you when I get a chance.

HappyMumof2 Sun 26-Jun-05 17:40:13

Message withdrawn

Guardianangel Sun 26-Jun-05 21:01:05

Yawn! cant resist it, can you?

HappyMumof2 Sun 26-Jun-05 21:01:26

Message withdrawn

HappyHuggy Sun 26-Jun-05 21:01:59

My step-moms a nutcase!!!!

seriously the woman has issues......

Guardianangel Sun 26-Jun-05 21:09:13

And you are a stalker! Stop following me.

galaxy Sun 26-Jun-05 21:47:58

I'm a step-mum and I'm fab Well, actually, I get cross with him, shout at him sometimes, get frustrated when he doesn't try hard enough. But that's the normality of having an almost teenage boy in the house - nothing to do with being his full -time stepmum.

But yes, I was jealous of his relationship with his dad at 1st but I accepted it...I was the interloper and I had to win his affection, not alienate him.

Frizbe Sun 26-Jun-05 21:52:10

I'm a stepmum too! and I get along happily with the exwife, her partner, and believe it or not my stepson, although I've tried to convince him I'm evil, he's not having any of it!!

Guardianangel Sun 26-Jun-05 21:52:16

Great to hear you get along so normally

Frizbe Sun 26-Jun-05 21:55:32

Well to be honest it took a year of hard work to start with, but these days all is fine!

Guardianangel Sun 26-Jun-05 21:57:54

Wow, thats fast. I dont know if you know others in the same boat but mine took 7 years and even now the x pops in from time to time (usually on the doorstep at collection time)for another go at poor DH.

allgrownup Mon 01-Aug-05 21:48:31

Hi - wanted to post in response to emily - had v.similar experiences as stepmum, and stepdad, both (objectively) child haters from hell.
I was seriously smacked around by step-mum and have never even had this acknowledged by any other family members (except my now dead grandma).
I would feel so much better if my parents would just acknowledge that their partners caused me grief - instead I am pressured to be extra in their walton's fantasy and am criticised for not visiting them (any of them) with my own children (oh go figure).
I am still physically afraid of both my step parents although I am now 37 hrs old.
I am also sad that have caused my 2 oldest to be step-parented - but, their step father (my dh) is step dad from heaven and truly loves them - in his head he is their dad and in his behaviour, he is their dad.
were it not so we would'nt be togther.

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