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If I say anything, I'm picking on her

(6 Posts)
SweetChickPea Tue 03-Nov-09 10:26:41

DP is very protective over his DD and refuses to believe she does any wrong. It's becomming a problem because whilst he feels its fine to comment on my DD's, he goes off in a mood if I say anything about his.
For instance my DD is 2 years younger than his so she goes to bed half an hour earlier. This is fair enough but some nights she comes home from guides a bit late. So say she's supposed to be in bed at 8.30pm, she somethimes (like once a week) doesn't get in until 8.35pm. DSD then moans that she's up past her bed time and DP adds 5 minutes onto his DDs bedtime. Personally I think its all a bit petty and ridiculous but the other night, his DD didn't get to bed until 9.20pm. (she's supposed to be up at 9pm) so I said "well, does that mean that the other 2 get 20 minutes added onto their bedtime then?" and he went in a mood saying I was picking at her.

It's the same with everything though, like DP will moan that my DD hs left a jacket on the sofa. So she'll take it back upstairs yet all the while, DSD has homework, bobbles, brushes, make-up, shoes, hats etc ALL OVER the living room.

He genuinly doesn't see that he favours. Has anyone else experienced this?

mrshibbins Tue 03-Nov-09 13:02:04

Maybe you could all sit down as a family and draw up agreed house rules for tidiness, bedtimes, TV etc, that everyone, including the grownups must stick to.

I make DSD's weekly pocket money dependent on her tidying her room and not littering the communal areas of the house with her crap possessions. And even if she misses a day, she doesn't get it! Works a treat (most of the time!)

RougetNoir Tue 03-Nov-09 13:18:57

Hi, I've experienced similar issues when myself and DD moved in with DH & SDDs.

The children were all pretty young then but it seemed that we couldn't agree on how we dealt with our respective children. There were double standards and it just didn't work.

After a lot of rows, tears and soul searching we had to admit that we had been wrong in many ways: calling the children ''Your DD'' and ''My DD'' , given them special treatment because one is little, the other misses her mum etc etc...

We needed rules for parents & the children.

The girls are ''our girls'', not mine or his, and they must all follow the rules we've established and if they don't then consequences will arise ( we use the Bottom Step method , hard at first but works wonders if you keep consistent). What is good for one is good for the other.

Our Golden Rule is , by all means, both parents always back each other up in front of children. Even if that means you have words later when they are in bed when you disagree.

Children are very quick to notice the lack of parental solidarity and ground rules and, sadly, they will exploit it at their benefit.

I hope this helps...

NanaNina Wed 04-Nov-09 21:57:16

Oh sweetchickpea - I went through all this sort of thing many years ago and it caused so many rows and so much unhappinessand my step chdn didn't live with us, but just visited for w/ends and holidays and that was bad enough. It sounds like your SD lives with you?

My P was exactly the same - his D and S could do no wrong. He was a SF to my sons and they got criticised sometimes without good reason. I used to jump in to defend them and then we would have huge arguments. He used to say he was like this with his D and S because they didn't live with us and he had to make sure that his time with them ws positive. Your H doesn't have this excuse if his D lives with you.

Not sure if you have 1 or 2 children of your own but whichever, they will be living in some kind of tension as they will be only too well aware of what is going on and this could be causing them emotional harm. I was lucky that my sons weathered it OK and things did improve over time.

I just think step parenting is so so difficult and un-natural somehow. I'm afraid to admit that I never felt close to my step children and at times actively resented them, especially my SD and they are grown up now but we are not close.

To be honest if I had my time over again I would not go through it all - it makes me unhappy just to remember it all.

I do wonder if your H somehow knows that he is favouring his own D over yours and feels a bit guilty over this. You don't say what your r/ship is like with your H, or your SD or what his r/ship is like with your kids.

There is a lot written on step parenting nowe and if you look on Amazon there are quite a few books that might be helpful. time I think for straight talking with your H in an attempt to be fairer to allthe kids.

Good luck!

NanaNina Wed 04-Nov-09 21:57:55

Oh sweetchickpea - I went through all this sort of thing many years ago and it caused so many rows and so much unhappinessand my step chdn didn't live with us, but just visited for w/ends and holidays and that was bad enough. It sounds like your SD lives with you?

My P was exactly the same - his D and S could do no wrong. He was a SF to my sons and they got criticised sometimes without good reason. I used to jump in to defend them and then we would have huge arguments. He used to say he was like this with his D and S because they didn't live with us and he had to make sure that his time with them ws positive. Your H doesn't have this excuse if his D lives with you.

Not sure if you have 1 or 2 children of your own but whichever, they will be living in some kind of tension as they will be only too well aware of what is going on and this could be causing them emotional harm. I was lucky that my sons weathered it OK and things did improve over time.

I just think step parenting is so so difficult and un-natural somehow. I'm afraid to admit that I never felt close to my step children and at times actively resented them, especially my SD and they are grown up now but we are not close.

To be honest if I had my time over again I would not go through it all - it makes me unhappy just to remember it all.

I do wonder if your H somehow knows that he is favouring his own D over yours and feels a bit guilty over this. You don't say what your r/ship is like with your H, or your SD or what his r/ship is like with your kids.

There is a lot written on step parenting nowe and if you look on Amazon there are quite a few books that might be helpful. time I think for straight talking with your H in an attempt to be fairer to allthe kids.

Good luck!

NanaNina Wed 04-Nov-09 21:58:23

sorry didn't mean to post twice!

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