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So resentful of IVF DSD now that ectopic means only real chance of pregnancy is IVF and DH doesn't really want to go there again....

(12 Posts)
boodleboot Wed 30-Sep-09 19:36:42

oh dear this is a really long and tricky one but i will try to articulate just how pants i am feeling about it all.

DH had previous relationship with lady who couldn't conceive naturally and DSD was result of that relationship and clinical study funded IVF. They actually split up before she was born but its all amicable now. she is now 12.5yr

we married earlier this year and have a very loving and happy marriage. i have two beautiful DCs from previous marriage and amicable relationship with my ex but took for granted that we would be able to have a baby of our own. Unfortunately i had MMC at 12wk scan in april which was hideously traumatic. Then had a very lucky ruptured ectopic 3 wks ago - i say lucky as in i am lucky to be alive. This was terrifying for us both. We have been seriously considering whether or not to continue trying for a baby as TTC can be very time consuming and practically our kids our 12,10 and 5 so out of the baby stage now. I am only 31 but DH is 40 so nearly at the 'i'm too old for nappies' stage. We are trying to decide if it is right to put a stop to trying to add to the family and just enjoy what we have. DH is very much hands on with my two and is more of a father figure to them than their dad as he only sees them overnight every other saturday. DH couldn't love my two more if he tried and has been in their lives for the last 4 years so very much saw the baby phase with my son...

my DSD is both lovely and challenging as she is allowed to do lots more than i would allow a 12 year old to do by her mum BUT i try my best to be loving and inclusive when she is down every other weekend {this is tailing off a bit now tho as she is realising she can't get away with doing what she wants here so hasn't come this month...} She is the spitting image of my DH, i mean literally, peas iin a pod. DH is adopted so she is his only blood relative that we know of and that is how it will stay if we do not have a baby. I really worry that i will just be so jealous and resentful of when she has grandchildren as it will be her that carrys on his genes not me....does that sound totally ridiculous or what? i feel horrible resentful already and she is only 12 for goodness sake??? Its really making me feel like having another baby just to ensure i don't feel like that which is ludicrous.....oh my....

DH thinks its time to call it a day and i feel mixed....another baby would really upset the applecart financially and practically the children need me just as much but in different ways to a baby and i am enjoying having my life back now DS is at school. I am really cross that i feel like DH would go through IVF with his ex but 'wimps' out when it comes to us....ridiculous really for me to feel like that as he really does just care about my physical and mental well being, it was/is really hard going having two failed pregnancy....Am i the worst stepmother in the world? i feel like it....sadenvy

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 30-Sep-09 19:50:03

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StewieGriffinsMom Wed 30-Sep-09 19:51:29

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boodleboot Wed 30-Sep-09 20:02:48

thanks SGMom...its such a horrible feeling. i just can't believe that we are in this situation to begin with....i don't think the horror of the ectopic has sunk in properly. i set out thinking we would easily have a child and now well, its just so massive and scary....

i do love her, my SD. really i do....i just hate the fact that when she does have kids i won't be their nan {she is a real mummys girl and there won't be room for me...}

DH and his ex will not only be parents together, like we won't be, they will also be grandparents together, where we won't be....

oh the self pity.....

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 30-Sep-09 20:10:48

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StewieGriffinsMom Thu 01-Oct-09 14:19:37

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NotActuallyAMum Thu 01-Oct-09 16:36:40

boodleboot please don't feel bad about the self pity you're feeling. At times like this it somehow feels like the whole world's against you doesn't it? I won't bore you with my story but I'll never have my husband's child either (I've no children at all though so not same situation) and it is very very hard to take sometimes, especially when you know that someone else has had his child. I know that sounds awful to most people but I really do know what you mean. My husband is an only child, as are both his parents so again I do know what you mean about family genes too

It's very early days for you both after your ectopic, I don't think either you or your DH should be making any permanent decisions about this yet

Sorry, I don't really have any practical advice but really wanted to say you are not a bad stepmother, you're only human and your feelings are perfectly normal

boodleboot Thu 01-Oct-09 21:09:51

thanks i don't feel as tragic as yesterday but the underlying feelings are definitely still there. I have decided to make a concerted effort to spend more time with my DSD and not give in to these silly feelings, ie spend more time not less time....she is an excellent horse rider so i have booked myself a lesson on sunday morning with a view to learning to ride so that we can go on rides or hacks together....i think she will really like that.

DH is very tired this week and i think terribly grumpy from all the stress of the last few weeks helping me recuperate etc so right not continuing his genes is the last thing i feel like doing ha ha...wink

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 01-Oct-09 21:14:28

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Northernlurker Thu 01-Oct-09 21:20:32

I think it's definately not a good idea to make final decisions at the moment. You need to heal a bit from this awful time and you are only 31. If you want to carry on down the IVF route then your age is in your favour at least.

Your plans for riding with dsd sound lovely - good luck with that. None of know what the future holds so don't write off your plans to be a grandparent with your dh just yet. There's a lot of water to go under the bridge before then and who knows what will come your way. All the best.

Grandhighpoohba Thu 01-Oct-09 22:33:36

No you are not a bad step-mother, you are just having a horrible time right now.

Just a thought, you said that your DH split from his ex before DSD was born. Do you think that the stress of IVF was part of the reason they split? Maybe it's not that he "wimps out" of IVF, but more that he is frightened to go through it again if it ended a previous relationship? Particularly if things are so good between you, maybe he is scared he will lose you? And maybe recent events have scared him too. If I had nearly died, I think my DH would have a bit of a panic too.

If it were me, I think I would take a bit of recovery time, for you both, spend some time with DSD like you suggested, and then sit and have a big chat with DH, as to his reasons and whether they are something that can be overcome.

Be kind to yourself.x

boodleboot Fri 02-Oct-09 13:21:15

thanks very much to all of you who have been so kind to me. i don't know what i would do without MN

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