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help my stepson is a bully need ideas

(8 Posts)
poltesco Fri 25-Sep-09 14:52:00

hi my dss 13yr has turned into a bit of a bully at school. he was bullied at primary ( no excuss ), he's always been such a caring and kind kid. he lives with his mum during the wk and with us at wkends.
due to the shool phoning and a mum in their village ring us, because his mum dosen't seem to be taking it seriously and just grounding him which doesn't seem to effect him. he is coming to stay with us to get it sorted.

i don't want to just ground him and take all electricals of him i really want to make him think about what he is doing and the harm he is causing, i'm thinking of making him right an essay on bullying but really need some help with ideas for it.
all ideas very welcome not just for essay but other ways i can make him see what he is doing is wrong!!!

Heated Fri 25-Sep-09 15:03:12

How about apologising to the child he's bullied? We had an meeting last week in school where this happened. A very shamefaced yr 8 apologised to another boy in front of the head, head of year and parents. The bully's father also gave the victim's parents his mobile number and said if there was anything, anything at all, they were to phone him, he was so disappointed in his boy.

poltesco Fri 25-Sep-09 15:23:35

thanks heated. sounds like a good idea
a simialer thing happened last yr and he came and stayed with us we got him to apologise to the lad and write a letter to him and his family. it did make him feel vy embarrassed.

at the end of term he went home to his mums, summer holidays, 3wks of school and here we are again with 3 other younger boys!

poltesco Sat 26-Sep-09 14:35:56

there must be more of advise out there, please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KaPe Sat 26-Sep-09 21:33:02

My 9-year old daughter was involved in some bullying last year. She was clever enough to stay in the background, but was very much stirring up trouble by email. The victim happened to be the daughter of a really close friend of mine, the parents recently separated and the poor mite has got enough on her plate as it is.

I did report my own daughter to the headmistress and also told the mother of the victim about it. The group of bullies were no longer allowed in the playground for a week, but had to study inside with a teacher during breaktime. I also made her write a story about bullying, and she had to apologize in writing to the girl.

I didn't make many friends though ... the parents of the other bullies were outraged by my behaviour, so was my ex ... his (priceless) advice to our daughter was to never put anything in writing!

mrsjammi Sat 26-Sep-09 22:36:55

Message withdrawn

poltesco Sun 27-Sep-09 20:26:49

just to update have got dss to sit down and write very truthly to some answers on the reasons he bullies, how it makes him feel before and after, hows its affecting him and a plan of action to change!
it was explained to him that this is not a punishment but a chance for him to reflect on what has been happening. so far so good he is really thinking and opening up!

mrshibbins Thu 08-Oct-09 14:48:21

Also have a problem with my SD (8) who is also a bully, but it's a complex one because on the surface of it, she claims SHE is the one who is being bullied, and does this act very convincingly indeed, with the sad face and wide eyes...

However, on drilling down with her in a casual way what it is that's actually happened, the conversation can go (this is the last one) like this - in precis:

SHE: i have to sit next to that horrid girl X during maths. I hate her.
ME: Do you? So why's she horrid?
SHE: well, she's got red hair. and she bullies me.
ME: oh, really? what did she do to you?
SHE: I don't know. she just does. She's horrid.
ME: well can you give me an example?
SHE: well she just kept saying the same thing over and over again about what we have to do. it really gets on my nerves. and when i sit with Y and Z they let me copy their sums. But X won't.
ME: Aha. so then what happened?
SHE: i told her - do you have to keep saying that? just shut up saying it will you.
ME: oh.
SHE: and then she said i was being mean to her.
ME: and?
SHE: well that's not very nice, is it?
ME: darling, i think you need to think very carefully about who's not being nice to who here.
SHE: (furious face and tight voice) you hate me don't you? everybody hates me. Nobody cares about me at all. etc etc
ME: oh dear...
SHE: (stomps upstairs in fury and tears)

There are variations on the theme, but it all usually boils down to her being mean to another little girl, and then when they react to it negatively, as they will, thinking that she is the one being bullied...

I've also listened in to her playing with other girls, in secret, when she's had playdates too, and not liked at all what I've overheard when she thinks grownups aren't listening ... but as soon as a grownup is around she suddenly becomes little miss cute, her voice goes up a few registers and down a few years, and she turns on the 'sweetness' full force ... it really saddens me.

It's a terrible shame, as basically she can be and often is a lovely girl, but unfortunately due to her being dragged from pillar to post between her parent's separation and her mother's alcoholism, she's early learned some not very nice and very manipulative ways of behaving.

I've had long chats with her about this but none of it seems to have sunk in so far - or she'll be all contrite and say she doesn't want to behave like that, only to start it up again as if nothing has happened - am I expecting too much to think she ought to have some self-awareness about this at 8 years old?

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