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My SS hates me but I am not suprised.(Rant)

(6 Posts)
jojo38 Mon 06-Jun-05 14:18:36

I have just had some shocking news. My own ds has told me a "secret" which he was made to promise not to tell... thankfully I don't encourage "secrets" too much as they can get children into trouble - anyway, my ds told me that SS hates me! I was a bit shocked but not totally suprised.

Our personalities clash I am afraid to say. I can see right through him and yes, I am not enamoured with the way he conducts himself at the best of times. I am not one who will let little devils get away with murder I am afraid, and he doesn't like it. I can't have my home disrupted for a weekend just because HE hates me. To be honest, I really don't care.

I think it was the shock of coming from my own son that sent me reeling a little. I feel sorry for DH in many ways, yet it is up to him to sort his child out and he doesn't. I have told DH what has happened. Of course, he doesn't believe it. I had to tell a white lie to stop my own ds from getting it in the neck from dh for telling tales. I told him that I had overheard ss say this thing and I wasn't sure what to do about it. I told dh that I was worried that ss was not happy when he visits but dh just swept it under the carpet and told me not to worry. As always.

Anyway.. I plan to have a family meeting next time we are all together. I don't want ss to be unhappy but I really don't like him. I will love him for the child that he is, never hurt him or be horrid to him but I don't like him.. perhaps that comes across too clearly to him. I am usually the ogre who likes to have table manners, a decent bed-time and make sure they clean themselves etc... I can't help the way I have been brought up, and I think these things are free and should be passed on so they have a chance in later life themselves. I do understand why he might dislike my ways, as when he is at his own home, he is allowed to eat what and when he likes, watch what ever he wants, when he wants on tv, eat how he likes etc... as there is so little basic discipline there... when he comes to our house, it is all different.

I cannot and will not change my own family routines and drop the basic niceties of being with people just to please him. I do let things go occasionally, such as - let him sit infront of a pc all flippin day - which means my own children want to as well, then there is bed times- the average time is 10pm at weekends and this is far too late for my youngest as he is one of these children who needs sleep otherwise life is hell for the next two days.
Everytime I try to talk about it or mention these things, then I feel like the ogre, the baddie - the bitch who takes away all these "goody" things for them.

Again, I don't give two hoots but on some occasions, it does get to me.

I have to admit that I don't like my skids.. never liked sd, now I have similar feelings for ss.... and he hates me. I am not sure what to feel really. I just don't want anyone hurt or upset, but it seems to be my role in life to do just that.

Thanks for letting me rant. Sorry, I know its not much to go on but I needed to tell someone.

HUGS

Monkeysmom Mon 06-Jun-05 15:45:43

Jojo38

I know exactly how you feel. It is so hard to want to set certain standards for your children but having to make compromises when it comes to skids, just because, if you tell them not to do something or interfere in any way, you are seen as the Evil stepmother. This is so unfair and I bet it happens in all families with skids.

As for your ss saying that he hates you, don’t worry too much. Teenagers say things like this to their own parents all the time but they don’t really mean it.
But again, it is different when skids say it. They are not your own children and might really mean it. Who knows ??? Not fair to say it to your ds though.

Step parenting is very strange. In life ,you basically choose who to have around you. You choose your friends according to your own likes and dislikes and interests. Partner according to same rules and maybe lust, love.
In respect of people you don’t have too much choice, like parents, siblings, own children, I think the nature has “designed” strong “blood/genetic links” to make us cope and love these people ,more or less unconditionally.

However, with step kids people usually don’t have anything in common and the genetic link is not there. You just have to share your life with these strangers.

Don’t feel guilty that you don’t like your skids. Try to be fair and civil, be around them as little as possible and wait for the day they when they will get married and hopefully have their own skids

jojo38 Sat 18-Jun-05 20:30:50

I am sorry its so late in replying. A huge thank you Monkeysmom. It isn't easy and I suppose it never will be.
Thanks for the insight at looking at things a different way.
Hopefully I will see it as objective as you and others. Thanks again.
HUGS

edam Sat 18-Jun-05 20:48:46

Monkeymum's point about you don't choose your stepkids is equally true in reverse - they didn't choose to have you in their life. And they don't have the understanding that adults do – even teenagers don't have the same developmental resources that adults have. Forgive each other a bit.

I was never particularly close to my ex-step mum (now divorced from my father) but we've always been civil. I was 12 when my father remarried - don't know if your step-kids were younger and therefore more prone to open resentment?

jojo38 Sat 18-Jun-05 23:34:26

Hi edam
Thanks for your view of things. I do appreciate that I was ranting at the time and, yes, I have to admit that I get pretty fed up with the little brat. I do understand all that is being said and at the best of times, I do try very hard. I love him for the child he is but there is little love loss between either of us. He is, in general, a nice kid but one of these tell tale-get away with murder sort. My own ds has been "labelled" because ss has to have the "ins and out of a cows udder" explained to him - it is then pronounced that my ds has a "problem" and of course ss is the sweet little angel. YUK, I can't take anymore! He is a spoilt little brat who gets everything he wants (and needs-thankfully) and like his sister, only wants his father for what he can get out of him, and that includes being the sweet little angle-pie and the sympathy that goes with it.

I tell you - that child will go places in life - he will get to the top of whatever he does, because he knows every trick in the book of how to get it.
Over the past 5 yrs he has had difficulties - fair enough... I let it ride. He couldn't read or write, even at the age of 7. At the age of 5 he was still in pull up nappies. (Some youngsters are, and that was fine with me- at the time).
Over these years, I have quietly mentioned that this "difficulty" may be added with a touch of laziness. If he was getting it all done for him, then why should he bother? That was all dismissed and I said no more. Over time, I admit, I did test him. Not in a nasty way, but giving him things I knew he would want to read... and hey presto, he did. He still "couldn't" read, even after that. His mother decided to send him to someone who could "help" him. (DH had to pay for it). In many ways it has helped but just today, DH said to me that the verdict with ss is that he is just lazy. I nearly swallowed my tongue for havng to bite it so hard!

I digress, I am sorry it has gone on but I suppose what I am trying to say is that this child, no matter how innocent he is, knows how to manipulate any situation to his advantage and it doesn't matter who gets in the way. All he has to do is meekly say sorry and that's it.

Naive, my a**e. He knows exactly what he is doing. Fair play to him if it gets him where he is going, but no one says I have to like it.

Thanks again for your ideas. I do take them all in and appreciate your comments. I am trying reeeeely hard. I actually told him that I loved him today. All he said was "hmmmmm yep" - in a sort of smily, understanding sort of way... I don't expect it back. Never have, probably never will... but hey... we are getting there.

Hugs and thanks XX

edam Sat 18-Jun-05 23:39:53

Hey Jojo, sounds as if you are handling a difficult situation really well. Fair play to you.
He must have been really small when his parents split up - and obviously had big problems well before you came on the scene. Sometimes kids learn behaviour because there was a problem, and then continue to act that way even though there's no longer any reason for it - does that make any sense? Probably not!

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