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Advice urgently needed! Step-mother going insane!

(4 Posts)
Gemz23 Wed 16-Sep-09 15:24:27

Hi to whoever reads this and/or replies:

When I met my husband I knew he had a young daughter (was 13months at time I met her) and we got married at the end of last year. We have her every second w/end (she lives with her Mother the rest of the time) and I love her like she was my own. I get on with her Mother aswell (which I think is important) and we have no major problems in general. About a week before our wedding my husband found out that a woman he was sleeping with (before he met me) had been pregant and had allegedly had his child. We decided to ignore this and if it ever came up again that we would deal with it then. Today he has rung me to say that a letter arrived at his work from Child Support asking for maintenance for this child. We don't know if it is his for sure (he believes the mother may have been sleeping with other men at the same time) and she already has 3 other children to different fathers - but we have resigned ourselves to a DNA test to find for for sure. In the event of this other child being my husbands; I have said that I'm prepared for us to pay maintenance (because it will be the both of us paying for it... not just him) BUT that as far as I'm concerned the child doesn't exist to me. I have already taken on another child which isn't mine (this was my decision and I wouldn't change it for the world) however I don't see why I should have to do it again. As it stands financially we can't have a child of our own anyways. The first time this 'issue' reared up we both decided that even if it was his we would pay for it but not have contact because he was basically like a sperm donor... it was a mistake that shouldnt have happened and we have subsequently discussed it once more since then prior to now and the same conclusion was reached. TODAY however he has said otherwise and I'm thinking along the lines that dependent on the outcome of the paternity test and what he wants to do I'll be saying "me or the new child"... I know that sounds selfish and harsh but I don't see why I should have to take on the responsibility of another child which isn't mine. We already struggle financially and if this child is my husbands then it will make life even harder but I've accepted that as we can do nothing about that. I do feel really horrible about potentially giving my husband an ultimatum if the child turns out to be his (and feel sorry for the kid who didn't ask to be born into this circumstance) but also feel that I've been unselfish and generous and I don't want to start resenting my life with him as I do love him loads. I just would really like to hear some advice from people who don't know any of us personally (because people I've spoken to have all agreed with me but I don't know if thats because they feel loyal towards me or because some don't have children at all!). Thank you

cassell Wed 16-Sep-09 19:24:37

I can understand how this all seems a bit much and has really come out of the blue when you thought you knew what you had to deal with (and by the sounds of it seem to be dealing with it really well - my dh has 2dds and we have a ds together and I know how hard it can be). However I do think you need to take a step back and look at it from your dh's perspective. He has found out he may have another child - ok it wasn't planned - but surely his desire to see the child and have contact with him/her is only natural? Tbh I don't think you would be fair to give him an ultimatium. When you married him you knew that he had a past, you even knew about this child and therefore imo your dh can expect you to try and help him deal with this - if the child is his he has the responsibility for it regardless. Whether supporting your dh in his decision extends to you also getting to know the child etc is up to you but surely your dh could meet/visit the child? Imo if you try and stop your dh doing this then your dh may well end up resenting you for it. Anyway that is only my opinion and I'm sure others on here will have different views.

Rindercella Wed 16-Sep-09 19:35:55

Wow. It's your DH or his child? That is a really, really tough ultimatum.

I think before you make any rash decisions, you need to wait for the outcome of the paternity test. If the test proves that this child is in fact your husband's, then in your place, all I could do would be suppport him and respect the parenting decisions he made. I could/would never, ever demand someone not see his child.

I have all the respect in the world for any man who wants to be part of their child's life - whatever the circumstances of the conception. That child also has a right to know who his/her father is and also a right to actually get to know that person. I personally think it would be wrong to take that away from anyone.

You did ask for honest opinions - and you have mine smile

Littlefish Wed 16-Sep-09 19:40:23

I completely agree Rindercella.

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