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Any mums here? Need advice on embarrassing situation

(36 Posts)
foolio Wed 26-Aug-09 13:52:38

Hi, I'm looking for honest advice on my situation.

Been with my DP 2.5 years. He's nearly divorced and we're hoping to move on together.

His marriage ended 4 years ago, his wife left him. She had an affair. The affair ended 2 years ago. She then decided she wanted DP back. He didn't want her back and told her he'd met someone else.

DP has a DD. I think she's 8, not sure. I've never met her.

DP's wife will not let me meet her. Although we want to move on with our lives, the fact that I haven't met his DD is an obvious barrier to doing so, and now we're just drifting aimlessly along.

He doesn't want to upset his wife. He wants her permission for me to meet DD.

What if she never gives her permission?

How much longer should I give this?

Is anyone else in this position?

Thanks for reading this

ChocHobNob Wed 26-Aug-09 13:59:32

Wow! 2 and a half years is a long time. Have you asked your partner what he's going to do if his ex never gives her permission?

Do you live together?

Harimosmummy Wed 26-Aug-09 14:12:28

OK, 2.5 years is a long time... BUT...

How long has his Ex known about you?

I would say a year is pretty acceptable, so if she's known about you less than that, I'd give it a bit of time.

Wanting her permission is reasonable, IMHO. I met with DH's ex before meeting his kids, It was a long and stressful process but I'm glad that I did. (Not that it's done us any good, I will add... I have zero relationship with Dh's ex, neither does he) but at some point he's got to move on with his life (unless he is serious about going back)

I'd ask your partner what sort of timescale he thinks is acceptable.

pleasechange Wed 26-Aug-09 14:16:32

I really don't think it's up to exp to give 'permission'. Your DP is as much the child's parent as the mother, so he has equally as much right to make such a decision as to when is appropriate. Sounds like a control issue to me - and tbh, if your DP is letting the ex control things now, it will only get worse

Lifeinagoldfishbowl Wed 26-Aug-09 14:16:51

I find it a bit odd that you have been with DP for 2.5 years and you don't know how old his child is

Rindercella Wed 26-Aug-09 14:24:00

Oh, it's so difficult, I really feel for you Foolio (loving your name!). 2.5 years with your DP is a long time to not meet a very big and important part of his life. But, it must also be very difficult for his exW to have another woman (however lovely you are) become a part of her daughter's life. How often does your DP see his DD? Does she stay with him overnight?

Unfortunately for your DP's exW, she will be doing far more damage in the lobg run by behaving like this. I have so many real life examples where things became impossible because a new partner was excluded from the children from the former relationship. It has never ended prettily I'm afraid (either the new relationship has broken up, or the children have ended up greatly resenting the new woman).

I think your DP needs to broach this subject with his ex and soon. He is the child's father and does have the right to include his child in his 'new' life.

I was lucky - DH's exW couldn't wait to hand off DSS at the weekends (all weekend, every weekend). We left it about a year after we got together before I met DSS though. And we left it longer still before I stayed overnight.

Good luck, I really feel for you. But your DH will need to push it a little with his ex to get things moving in the right direction.

ChocHobNob Wed 26-Aug-09 14:39:05

I agree completely allnew.

I'm all for not introducing new partners to children willy nilly but the child is not the ex's who gets final say over everything. The child is just as much the OP's partner's and if he isn't proposing anything which will harm the child then he doens't really have to wait for her permission to introduce his long term partner.

After 2.5 years, stopping the OP from seeing the child is for the ex's benefit, not the child's.

foolio Wed 26-Aug-09 14:59:22

Firstly can I just say thanks to you all for replying. I am feeling so lost and alone with this and I really can't talk to my friends about it - it was them who nicknamed me foolio.

To answer the questions you've asked:

We don't live together. We'd like to but DP doesn't want to upset his mother - there's a religious element to it, won't get into that here.

DP tells me NOTHING about his DD so I don't really know anything about her, including how old she is. I think she's 8, not sure.

DP goes mental if I even attempt to discuss timescales with him for trying to sort this out. I know this is a control thing with him i.e. to get me to stop talking about it. Which I have.

In my own mind I thought that 2.5 years was over the top, and you all have confirmed that.

His wife's known about me for about 1.5 years. Yes I was a secret for a year but I respected his decision and didn't want to rock the boat.

I also thought it was reasonable to get her permission, but the big question is, what if she never gives it?

I'm not sure how often DP sees DD - he really doesn't tell me anything. I think he sees her during the week, twice, I think he takes her to school, and I think he has her every Saturday and Sunday. We have never spent a weekend together and I'm guessing that's why.

foolio Wed 26-Aug-09 15:01:33

Sorry, I wanted to add, there is no way his ex would ever meet me to discuss this.

I met DP 1.5 years after his marriage ended, yet I have been cast in the role of homewrecker. It goes something along the lines of, if you hadn't met her, you'd have come back to me.

I am known as the antichrist, the f*cking witch, your f*cking whore etc. etc.

BroodyChook Wed 26-Aug-09 15:03:05

Erm, hate to say it, but could he be living back with his family at weekends?

JeMeSouviens Wed 26-Aug-09 15:05:33

What do you get out of the relationship?

I can imagine that even if/when you get to meet his DD and are part of her life, you will always have grief from the xW, if this is how she is behaving now. Is it all worth it?

Harimosmummy Wed 26-Aug-09 15:11:09

Foolio...

Put yourself outside of this sitution and read your post (14:59:22).

warning signs for me are:
1. Doesn't want to upset his mother. Esp. about religion... he's a grown man, soon to be divorced... Get over it!!!!
2. Doesn't talk about his child.... ODD ODD ODD ODD ODD (and I speak from being with DH for a year before meeting his kids - I knew everything from their favorite colours to classes they were taking)
3. He goes mental at you... REALLY???? Cos he seems to pussy foot around every other woman in his life.

I'm sorry to say, but I too would question whether he's telling you the whole truth.

I've also been cast as the home wrecker (still am, 10 years down the line!) but my DH hasn't ever tried to do anything but make sure he (and I) are as big a part of his kids lives as possible.

Sorry, I know that's not very positive, but I think you have been more than reasonable.

Also... Do you / can you stand being the root of all evil for evermore if your DP isn't supporting you?

ChocHobNob Wed 26-Aug-09 15:11:22

Broodychook, you thought the same as me. There were some alarm bells ringing there.

How much time do you actually spend with him?

Have you ever been to where he lives and stayed?

AxisofEvil Wed 26-Aug-09 15:11:25

This sounds deeply wierd to me and I wouldn't be standing for the way you're being treated. Meeting her is one thing but not knowing ANYTHING about her is another.

foolio Wed 26-Aug-09 15:11:52

Hi Broodychook - completely understand why you might suspect that. I have however been to DP's house, I saw the family home up for sale just after we meet, and by a horrible coincidence, one of my clients lives in the same building as his wife (haven't told him that though)

JMS - I know, that is the question I'm asking myself now.

I fully expect grief from the wife for a long time. I secretly hope she meets someone new.

DP told me when she was with her B/F things were a lot better, and she was less volatile. However the B/F ended it with her the week DP met me, so we've never really had the benefit of her being better when she was in a relationship.

foolio Wed 26-Aug-09 15:14:19

guys, thank you. This is the first time I've ever posted.

I needed a kick up the backside. Think I just got it.

RumourOfAHurricane Wed 26-Aug-09 15:17:52

Message withdrawn

foolio Wed 26-Aug-09 15:24:37

shineon - I can't believe I allowed myself to get into this situation tbh. Hence my embarrassment over the whole thing. It's an ugly mess and the only way I can see out of it now is to walk away.

BroodyChook Wed 26-Aug-09 15:28:47

It doesn't sound like a great situation tbh foolio. From the outside looking in, I can't see what you're getting out of this. I hope in the future that you can be happy.

KaPe Wed 26-Aug-09 16:03:57

I presume that BM had asked him 4 years ago whether she had his permission to cheat on him? Also, she seems to have been with this other guy for two years .... are you seriously telling us that the other guy never once met the child?

As a BM whose DD had been introduced to the other woman whilst we were still together (and DD was subsequently made to lie about the gender of the 'friend') I am all for discussing with the other parent prior to meeting a new partner. But discussing doesn't really mean asking permission. Unless BM has a valid reason why you shouldn't meet the child (e.g. too soon after separation), then your partner should tell her to ... go away!

I hate to be so frank, but I believe that he is leading you on and actually has no intention whatsoever to take this relationship any further.

foolio Wed 26-Aug-09 16:13:10

I know what you're saying but I try to stay well away from judging what his wife did. Apparently she had her reasons for ending the marriage and I'm one for saying I wasn't there so I don't know what happened.

I think she was with the b/f for just over a year and she had claimed he did't meet their DD. Again, wasn't there so don't know. Maybe she did meet him but just didn't know who he was?

I wouldn't want this little girl to be forced into a position of lying about who she'd met.

KaPe - as you've been in this position, do you think 4 years after separation is long enough? I completely understand where you're coming from. I don't want to tread on any toes.

As for leading me on, well you're not the first person to say that. DP has sent me endless texts saying he wants to get married, but unless I meet his DD, his intentions mean nothing.

KaPe Wed 26-Aug-09 16:19:11

As a gut feeling, I would say between 6-12 months sounds about right. Six months should be about enough time to get to know each other and decide whether there is any intention of taking things further (provided you see each other on a regular basis, ie. not an internet relationship).

Before you take things further, you obviously need to see the whole package. You might not like the kid, the kid might not like you ... but most importantly, you might no longer like DP once you have seen him interact with his kid.

foolio Wed 26-Aug-09 16:20:56

Funny you should bring that up, I'm absolutely terrified of meeting her. I think it's exactly as you said, I might not like DP once I've seen him in the role of dad.

ChocHobNob Wed 26-Aug-09 16:42:56

Really in your situation, it sounds like your partner's attitude is the main problem, not so much the ex's. After 2 and a half years he should know by know what he's wanting from your relationship and if he wants you to have a future together, his daughter should factor in it somehow. I can't see how it could work keeping things totally seperately unless you lived away from each other and had two homes.

x

foolio Wed 26-Aug-09 16:46:59

I agree. DP knows what he wants but he doesn't know how to make it happen. I've said to him before that I think he's got himself so far down the line with keeping me out of the main part of his life, he can't get himself out of it.

He did the same with his parents. I didn't meet them till we'd been together for 2 years. His mum objected to me on religious grounds. He went along with that.

DP is a very agressive corporate lawyer who is so proactive in his professional life, but his personal life is not run along the same lines.

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