How do I help DSD when her parents think this is perfectly normal?(3 Posts)
My DSD's mother is a bit of a nutcase. I wouldn't normally speak about a person in such a way and it's nothing bitter or personal, she just seems a complete psyco.
When me and DP first met he told me she was crazy. I assumed he was just bitter. But then DSD told me she hated her mother too and wished she didn't have to see her. I assumed DP had poisoned her against her mother.
But then, DP showed me a couple of texts from the woman. Completely wierd and crazy. One was ffing and blinding, threatning court action etc because he wasn't in when she came around then 5 minutes later another text saying "sorry, I got the day wrong" as if it was perfectly reasonable!
Then I saw a text on his phone from her which he never showed me saying
"I'm a bitch and a pysco and a chav and i'll make them all fucking pay"
Anyway, a few weeks ago I checked on DSD's phone for something unrelated and saw a message from her mother going on about how she'll want to have sex soon and that she was raped when she was 14 and how she just uses men to get what she wants but the men think they're using her etc ... DSD is only 11.
Then a couple of days ago DSd got another text from her mother saying "I just want someone who loves me" then a few minutes later another text saying "You don't give a shit about your mother, I'm stuck here in hell and you don't even care" then another one saying "You're cruel, all of you"
An hour or so later she got one saying "sorry, was upset about a job interview"
Then DSD got a text from her 17 year old brother (who doesn't live with us) saying his girlfriend had dumped him and would DSD text her and tell her he was dying so that she'll get back with him! (which dsd did, making out he had a terminal illness).
If I mention this stuff to DP he just says "oh yeah, that's what she's like" and just shrugs it off but isn't this all a bit damaging to an 11 year old girl?? They all think it's perfectly normal.
I think you are completely right to consider this abnormal behaviour in a general sense let alone in the context of discussions with an 11 year old!
However I am sure you are not going to be able to change this woman's behaviour so you will need to help your dsd deal with it.
If you are able to discuss it with her (your dsd) and explain that sometimes people over react in ways that are not appropriate. Also to help her to see through the conflicting messages she is been exposed to - that they are not directed at her but from a person who has massive problems. Help her to get an understanding of the situation and give her the tools to deal with it.
Your DP might understand his ex and knows that she is 'crazy' but he shouldn't expect his 11 year old to have the same depth of understanding. It is his responsibility to not shrug off the damage these messages can cause and put his DD needs first in this situation.
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