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New here - finding things very hard!

(10 Posts)
abeeceedee Thu 13-Aug-09 16:05:57

Hi all

Well I'm glad I found this forum.

Am finding our situation very hard at the moment. I am married with two daughters aged 7 and 11, 1 SD age 8, and pregnant with our first child together.

My problems are my partner's ex girlfriend and mother of SD and just the situation itself. Ex is horrible, spiteful woman who has caused problems from the start. It all came to a head in February. I had a miscarriage at about 7 weeks which I was absolutely gutted about. DH told ex as it meant we couldn't have SD for the weekend, I was so ill and the thought of SD misbehaving and having one of her frequent tantrums whilst I was miscarrying was too much to bear.

Anyway, the ex has been with her partner 5 years and was supposed to be getting married in January 2010. I need to stress that she is a really manipulative and spiteful woman so you understand what comes next.

About eight weeks later my SD whispered to me that her mummy had a secret, but that she was allowed to tell me it.You've guessed it - her mummy was pregnant. I honestly felt so sick, like she'd "stolen" our baby - I know that sounds stupid but that's how it felt. I also KNOW, and my partner agrees, that she did it on purpose. To be honest, I think she figured that we must be trying for a family, and couldn't stand the idea of us giving SD a real sibling first (she doesn't have any other kids).

For the next few weeks I had to endure SD going on and on about her new baby brother or sister and how excited she was, talking all the time about her mums pregnancy, I tried to be enthusiastic for her sake but honestly I was just dying, it was unbearable for me to have to do this when we'd been so excited about our baby.

Sadly her mum had a miscarriage - and I did feel really sorry for her.Her partner is never there due to work and she is basically a single parent.

Anyway, I got pg again in April. And the ex has just announced another pregnancy. Our baby is due in January, hers in Feb. I just hate the whole situation - it's so weird. I just want to enjoy my pregnancy and have to listen to SD go on about her mum and how the babies will be friends (sorry - but no), if I try to involve her in our pregnancy she just talks about her mums - it's so hard. Feel like her mum is a constant invisible presence in our home and lives.

Add to that the fact I'm feeling quite down today - SD has been on hols for 3 weeks and is back today and I've been kind of dreading it. She is not the easiest child to have around - she has frequent tantrums where she screams, kicks and punches for an hour at a time, says the f word and is just generally uncontrollable - she fights with my two kids too and attacks the youngest sometimes. My dh won't discipline her like he does my two dds(who he does have a great relationship with) - he won't put her on time outs as he says she just needs to be allowed to calm down whilst I think a much firmer approach should have been taken years ago, I can't get involved with her discipline though as I end up getting too upset, there's only so much being screamed at and physically attacked you can take.

Any advice or support would be great.

Xxxx

logi Fri 14-Aug-09 22:30:46

Hi there,i sympathise with your situation,my ss was 3 when i met my oh and we went through hel with his ex,i had to go and collect ss on numerous occasions because his mum was drunk,on one time ss was 4 she gave him to us in front of him telling us she didnt love him and we could keep him.the next day she would demand her child back.when oh went to collect ss she would say daddy got a new family (my dc)i could go on and on about the things she did and we tried everything we could to make things easier for ss and we had him 4 nights a week then out of the blue she would stop his visits for a month then let ss turn up on our door crying.anyway things settled sometimes when she was in relationships but when ss was 7 we had own ds and things took a turn for the worse ss would say strange things about ds dying and things that his mum told him to say ,ihad pnd and couldnt cope with it so oh seen ss alone then over the years ex wife got involved again phone calls threats and by now ss hates me and him and his mum and her friend came to my house shouting abuse in front of ds the police have been called 4 times now and after 8 years of this we have cut contact and i know it sounds harsh but i will not have this situation affect my dc i knowpeople wont always agree with this but i do feel pity for ss but he will be more difficult as he gets older because of the life he has at home

mrsjammi Sat 15-Aug-09 18:28:37

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MaggieBeauLeo Sat 15-Aug-09 18:34:22

#Wow. I am so sorry for you that you lost your baby. But I think that you need to take some focus off the x. can she really be as bad as you think she is.

My x's new partner has probably been led to believe I'm an ogre, and I'm not.

These lines you typed.."I need to stress that she is a really manipulative and spiteful woman so you understand what comes next.

About eight weeks later my SD whispered to me that her mummy had a secret, but that she was allowed to tell me it.You've guessed it - her mummy was pregnant. I honestly felt so sick, like she'd "stolen" our baby - I know that sounds stupid but that's how it felt. I also KNOW, and my partner agrees, that she did it on purpose.

I really doubt that she, already a mother, and knowing what is involved, 18+ years of hardwork!, got pregnant just to stick the knife into your wound.

I think you are thinking about HER more than she's thinking about you and that's all. She didn't give you a thought perhaps.

mrsjammi Sat 15-Aug-09 18:37:47

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abeeceedee Sun 16-Aug-09 15:09:19

Sorry - I came to this forum thinking I might get some understanding and support - I guess I was wrong.

It took quite a lot for me to write that post - really hurtful and upsetting to receive messages from people saying that I'm obsessed or implying I'm being petty. Thanks! I won't make the same mistake twice.

ruddynorah Sun 16-Aug-09 15:16:46

but your sd is excited! she's about to have 2 new siblings. you would rather she kept quiet about her other life basically. but you're all part of her one life.

her mother will always have an invisible presence in your life. how you choose to deal with that is up to you.

i grew up with the knowledge i had 2 lives, never to be discussed in the opposite house and certainly not to mention new partners. a very odd and uncomfortable secretive existence.

sorry if that isn't what you want to hear. but as you know, you can't always shut out the bits you don't want to hear.

logi Sun 16-Aug-09 16:18:25

hi abeeceedee,just wanted you to know i do believe you and dont think your making things up as you will see from my previous post ive been there and know how difficult it is.i also know that sc are used by there mums (in some cases) to do their dirty work for them which is very sad and while i pity your sd as i did my ss sometimes when youve tried you have to admit defeat and put your own dc first,thats why i broke contact and some people didnt agree with me but i know i tried my best and things would have got worse as s got older why should you deal with this alone.

mrsjammi Wed 19-Aug-09 22:26:22

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KaPe Thu 20-Aug-09 13:47:51

Statistically, normally fertile couples have a 20 to 30 per cent chance of getting pregnant each cycle. About 84 per cent of couples in the general population will conceive within one year, half of the remainder will conceive naturally within the following year. So BM would certainly be very lucky to fall pregnant "on command".

I had a very, very upsetting pregnancy (mainly due to the fact that my ex and I had just met and weren't really compatible at all) ... very little support, lots of anxiety. I truly regret this, unfortunately - nearing 40 - my chances of having "another go" are slim ... for starters, I'm lacking a man to impregnate me grin (note to self: must make friends with single neighbour).

How about you involving SD more in your pregnancy? Create a pregnancy diary together, take her to scans, make a name sign for baby's room (provided you've got a name yet). If you allow yourself to enter a competition now, what is your future going to be like? What if baby A walks two months earlier than baby B? Or is potty-trained first? Do you really intend to go down this road?

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