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DAD AT A LOSS

(6 Posts)
frizzee Thu 06-Aug-09 21:48:32

I AM A DAD OF 2 BOYS AGED 14 & 16. I ALSO HAVE A 3 YR OLD WITH MY NEW WIFE WHO I HAVE BEEN WITH FOR 6 YRS. ORIGINALLY WHEN MY FIRST WIFE(THE BOYS MOTHER)LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER MAN THE BOYS STAYED WITH HER AND CAME TO STAY WITH ME WHEN I WASNT ON SHIFT WHICH WAS OFTEN.THIS WAS 10 YEARS AGO. 2 YEARS AGO THE YOUNGEST CAME TO LIVE WITH ME AS HE HAD PROBLEMS WITH HIS MOTHER. THEN WE SHARED BOTH BOYS.THIS IS ONLY POSSIBLE AS MY WIFE DOESNT WORK FULL TIME. MY WIFE THE BOYS STEP MUM IS A WONDERFUL CARING PERSON.MY SON AND I HAD AN ARGUMENT TODAY AND HE STORMED TO HIS MOTHERS SAYING HE HATES MY WIFE AND I HAVE CHANGED.HE ALSO SAID MORE HURTFUL THINGS ABOUT MY WIFE AND ME.WHEN THERE IS A FALLING OUT LIKE THAT PROB 2 A YEAR HE ALWAYS SAYS THE SAME THING. THIS UPSET MY WIFE AND OBVIOUSLY SHE CANT UNDERSTAND WHY. THEY GET ON IT IS ONLY WHEN I HAVE A MAJOR FALLING OUT WITH MY SON THAT HE SAYS ALL THIS. MY WIFE HAS HAD ENOUGH AND IS VERY UPSET.I CAN IMAGINE MY SON IS TOO. I WANT THEM ALL TO GET ON AND FEEL COMFORTABLE IN EACH OTHERS PRESCENSE. HOW CAN I DO THIS AND START THERE RELATIONSHIP OFF. MY WIFE HAS NEVER FELT COMFORTABLE LIVING IN THIS HOUSE AS IT WAS MY MARITAL HOME,BUT WE STAYED BECAUSE OF THE BOYS.THE BOYS HAVE SEEN CHANGES IN THIS HOUSE WITH THE ARRIVAL OF MY WIFE AND THEN A NEW BABY,AND YES THEY DID LOSE A BEDROOM. I AM AT A LOSS I LOVE MY BOYS,MY WIFE AND MY BABY GIRL. HOW CAN I GET THEM ALL TO GET ALONG AND FULLY BOND. I MUST HOWEVER ADD THAT WHEN I FIRST MET MY WIFE MY EX FOUND THIS VERY DIFFICULT AND DID BAD MOUTH ME AND ( WE BELIEVE STILL DOES) MY WIFE IN FRONT OF THE BOYS AND ALSO LEFT NOTES AND BAD MESSAGES ON THE PHONE.I COULD NOT BELIEVE THIS AT THE TIME AS I HAD BEEN SEPERATED/DIVORCED FOR 4 YEARS AND SHE HAD A NEW MAN AND BABY.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 06-Aug-09 22:07:19

Please don't post all in capitals, it really hurts to read.

Your boys are at an age where they'd be behaving like this even if you were still happily married to their mum. They separate off from their parents throughout the teen years, and part of the separating process is falling out with your dad (for boys, especially). I see it with my own boys and their father, it's just normal teen behaviour.

Not sure if that really helps.

mumonthenet Thu 06-Aug-09 22:19:35

did you get the caps lock stuck frizz? grin

Seriously though, old lady is right this is kind of normal for teenage boys though I can imagine how it hurts you

Can't really give any practical advice except to keep the lines of communication open with your boys and make sure your wife knows you love her.

Littlefish Thu 06-Aug-09 22:22:45

Sorry frizz - I had to re-post this for you as I couldn't read it properly!

"I am a dad of 2 boys aged 14 & 16. I also have a 3 yr old with my new wife who I have been with for 6 yrs. Originally when my first wife(the boys’ mother)left me for another man the boys stayed with her and came to stay with me when I wasn’t on shift which was often. This was 10 years ago. 2 years ago the youngest came to live with me as he had problems with his mother. Then we shared both boys. This is only possible as my wife doesn’t work full time. My wife the boys step mum is a wonderful caring person.

My son and I had an argument today and he stormed to his mothers saying he hates my wife and I have changed. He also said more hurtful things about my wife and me. When there is a falling out like that prob 2 a year he always says the same thing. This upset my wife and obviously she can’t understand why. They get on it is only when I have a major falling out with my son that he says all this.

My wife has had enough and is very upset. I can imagine my son is too. I want them all to get on and feel comfortable in each others’ prescense. How can I do this and start there relationship off. My wife has never felt comfortable living in this house as it was my marital home, but we stayed because of the boys.

The boys have seen changes in this house with the arrival of my wife and then a new baby, and yes they did lose a bedroom. I am at a loss I love my boys, my wife and my baby girl. How can i get them all to get along and fully bond.

I must however add that when I first met my wife my ex found this very difficult and did bad mouth me and ( we believe still does) my wife in front of the boys and also left notes and bad messages on the phone. I could not believe this at the time as I had been seperated/divorced for 4 years and she had a new man and baby."

hester Thu 06-Aug-09 22:28:57

Let me check I understand: your son and your wife basically get on. About twice a year, your teenage son blows up and says horrible things to your wife. She, feeling a bit vulnerable in her position as stepmum, gets upset. Is that right?

Am I missing something or isn't this normal teenage behaviour? That doesn't mean it's desirable, or that your wife is unreasonable to feel hurt, but maybe you could help her put it in perspective?

I distinctly remember shrieking at my stepfather: "You're not my dad!" Which was ridiculous, because (a) he was more of a dad than my biological dad ever was, (b) I neither knew nor loved my 'real' dad, and (c) I did love my stepdad, very much. But that's children for you: they don't understand the consequences of their actions and so they'll use whatever weapons are to hand. Your son clearly knows the impact of being mean to your wife. Your job is to help her stay calm, and be clear to him about boundaries.

Good luck.

frizzee Sat 08-Aug-09 09:07:13

Thanks for all your comments. I do read that alot of step parents just become detached however my wife the boys step mum does not want to become detached she wants to bond with them.My wife is staying at her mums for a few days to de stress and chill,plus whilst she has been looking after the boys (one a week)she has been unable to visit her elderly mother as often as she would wish to,as the distance is about 40 miles.She also works on weekends and looks after our daughters friend twice a week. I am really upset with my boys as my wife does not deserve this treatment.I have told them it has to stop all the bad mouthing,that does go on at there mothers house,i know that my ex does the same as she not only bad mouths me and my wife but bad mouths her own sons to each son,crticizes her own partner behind his back and even her mother. My wife and i have never bad mouthed anyone in front of the boys.if we are unhappy with someone we just talk about it to ourselves. i have told the boys how i feel and am not going to see them this weekend and my 16 year old will not be staying next week.In total i will not be seeing them for10 days. Hopefully they will realise how upset i am with their behaviour and will realise what my wife and i do for them.i might add the boys do not get on that well together at their mothers. Plus my wife and daughter and i need some time together on our own as we are tired of this situation. Any advice on how to move on,how we can stop the bad mouthing,and how can we all bond.

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