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Does anyone else's stepchildren seem to hate them and you haven't got a clue why...

(6 Posts)
Wonderingone Fri 31-Jul-09 15:41:10

I have namechanged for this as I always do when discussing DSC.

I have always been kind, nice never once reproached them under very testing circs. I never felt confident "parenting" them when they stayed with us to be honest. Their Mum has made a new life as well. DH has maintained consistent and regular payments and lots of contact. We don't have raging rows I just know they dislike me. They are also very distant with DH and we find out quite meaningful things going on in their lives have happened without them discussing things at all.

DH's ex has always sent mixed signals - she criticises me and I suspect she dislikes me so perhaps this has been filtered down. It is so puzzling as I just want us all to have a good relationship.

I know there are no answers as such - just getting it out I suppose.

Wonderingone Fri 31-Jul-09 15:42:12

They are late teens - nearly adults now really and has been like this for about 10 yrs...

DollyPS Fri 31-Jul-09 16:03:33

if mixed messages are given they will be brainwashed into thinking you are the wicked witch of the west all the time.

Sad but true,

My step kids well one hates me and the other couldnt care less.

I have had to disengage a few times from them for my own sanity,also to wake up the OH as he was not seeing that his kids where little gits to mine.

Now that they are nearly adults I;d be inclined to leave them be.

Wonderingone Fri 31-Jul-09 16:19:30

Yes it is sad. Are you in a similar situation?

I disengaged after I had DD and I overheard a conversation from DH ex relaying what they had said to her about me. I had just given birth really and it was vicious, really uncalled for as I had done nothing wrong. I think they say what she wants to hear and I don't blame them fully but they were old enough to know better. I would like them to have better relationship with DD but have to let go - I can't try anymore to make them like me. I feel it's too late.

JiminyCricket Fri 31-Jul-09 16:52:53

My parents split when I was about fifteen, I lived with my Dad and he had a new relationship for five years, then another one for a few years and now is married again. Meanwhile my Mum has been married again and now in process of splitting up after 12 years. I think I was probably fairly hostile and distant from all of the partners. To be fair, some of them caused me problems and were not mentally stable. But when i look back, i can see that at least one of them was very nice, didn't try too hard and I should have taken the time to bond more with her and been nicer. My best guess is that i have a lot of unprocessed feelings and loyalties to my parents. I want them to be happy, sure, but doubt that it can happen, so am suspicious of the partners. Then also I found/find the future splits very hurtful and damaging, so tend to stay remote and detached. I think the advice I am trying to give is to keep your expectations of the relationship low, because their perspective may change when they are older, but they won't realise perhaps that they are being hurtful. I do really feel for you though.

Wonderingone Fri 31-Jul-09 18:31:34

That is a really interesting perspective - thanks. I know a lot of it is loyalty, but we have done nothing wrong so is v confusing.

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