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Worrying behaviour from DP ex - Help VERY LONG?

(5 Posts)
prettyfly1 Tue 30-Jun-09 23:22:33

Hey Guys

Hope your all well.

DP ex has always been a bit odd at times but I just left her to it and have tried to stay out of discussions between her and dp. Recently though there have been some real issues cropping up and I am worried for dss.

She lost a lot of weight very quickly (like five stone in four months quickly) when dp met me. She is booked in for a tummy tuck on the nhs this summer HOWEVER she claims to have been signed off sick from work for six months as the result of a mystery illness that is making her loose more weight even though she eats loads that the docs can find no cure for. They are still putting her in for the surgery however.

She is normally immaculately presented but turned up to pick up dss on completely the wrong day (we have him every wednesday) looking dirty and disorientated. DSS tried to tell her she shouldnt be there but she ignored him and drove off. DP called her and she came back but wierdly she had some stuff in the car for him "just in case" she ran into him - prior to this she hadnt seen him for three months and wasnt expecting to see him any time soon.

She is refusing to sign the divorce papers, despite them being apart for two years. She originally said they were with her solicitor but today said she needed more time to "continue to look over them" - she then said she hadnt even hired a solicitor.

She sent dss to school on non uniform day in a wierd outfit (all multi coloured and too small) with a huge furry coat on a really hot day which was dirty (by dirty I mean stained, smelt of stale fried food and cigarettes - nobody in the house here smokes). She also keeps forgetting to send his school books with him - he is six so a bit too young to remember them himself really. Yesterday was his sports day and she forgot to tell us it was on and forgot to go herself so poor dss had noone there to cheer for him which is awful.

Tonight is the wierdest. DP asked why she didnt let him know about sports day and then let it go. An hour later she phoned him up to have a go at him for bringing it up in front of dss who is "fragile" - dss was in the garden on a totally different part of the house? He wasnt in the room at all - we would never do that. She then called him back an hour later to rant at him for forty minutes about how he was to blame for having another baby with me and dss was unhappy with this - dss made me a card for the baby, with I love you baby in it (made me cry sweet little thing) and told us that the baby was the best thing ever? She kept saying over and over that dp was judging her and that it was all our fault?????? We dont even see the woman?

The strangest bit of all of it was that she kept trying to tell dp that it would all be sorted if they got back together and that dss would be fine and there would be no problems. Now as much as I want to be angry at this I am more concerned. She is obviously having some serious mental health issues and has been coming out with some pretty odd things for a while after breaking up with her live in boyfriend in march but it is impacting on dss now and as the woman looking after him 60 percent of the time I dont want to see him going to school in dirty clothes and not having the right equipment.

Does dp offer more support, does he back off - do I encourage dp to try to support her even more or will this fan the flames of what appears to be a bit of a cry for attention in some ways? Does dp contact her mother who he has always been close to to ask her to support Ex through this? Its all just a bit worrying really. I dont like the woman but she is dss mum and he loves her so I dont want her to fall into some sort of unwell abyss unable to cope with looking after him - it isnt going to do him any good. By the same token I dont know how long I can patiently take bizzare attempts to persuade my partner to reconcile with her despite him expecting a much wanted baby with me? Its all just a bit crazy tbh

advice gratefully received.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 01-Jul-09 04:34:36

It sounds as if your DP's ex is suffering from fairly bad depression - if he can speak to her mum that's probably not a bad idea.

nooka Wed 01-Jul-09 05:15:50

I agree with OldLady. If he is able to talk to his ex-s mum I think that might be a good idea. It sounds as if she needs some help, and you are probably right about it not being ideal if it comes from your DP.

It may be just that it's very difficult for her hearing about you from her son and seeing his happiness (great though that is). Or there may be some more serious mental health issues underlying her odd behaviour (and it does rather sound like the latter).

Longtalljosie Wed 01-Jul-09 06:19:33

Yes I agree with the others. The minute I heard the suggestion about contacting her mother I thought that was by far the best thing to do. Try to encourage your DP to mention specific examples (the clothing, the turning up on the wrong day) as it will help her mum to see you're doing it with the best motives.

It does sound like a mental health problem. It could be depression I suppose but I wouldn't be surprised if it was something else, some of the behaviour seems very odd indeed.

Fruitysunshine Wed 01-Jul-09 09:17:30


It sounds as though she is struggling to cope with the loss of her relationship and being on her own. Perhaps seeing how happy DP is with you and that her little boy loves spending time with you hurts her very much by reminding her that she no longer has that. I think it is a good idea for DP to express concern to her mum and allow her to step forward and help her daughter.

There are little things you could do also to help DSS. You could have your own direct contact with the school, which is what we do. We wrote to the heads of my SS's schools and asked them to add DH's contact details to the boys files as an additional emergency contact. We also asked to be included on the distribution of any school newsletters and parents night/special event invites so that WE knew ourselves when they needed us at school without having to rely on DH's ex to tell us, because she never, ever does. We have extra clothes here for them and a small selection of their own toys just in case.

If you have DSS 60% of the time then why not offer to have him a little bit more in order that his Dad can spend a bit more time doing his bit whilst DSS's mum recovers from whatever is drastically affecting her? That way DSS does not have to see his mum unwell too much and he still has the stability of a parent looking after him.

Good luck with it.

p.s.: I would be irritated if somebody kept making attempts at reconciling with my husband too!

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