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A friend who is loyal to your DH's ex partner really a friend?

(10 Posts)
PearsinTears Wed 24-Jun-09 15:59:55

I have this "friend" of DH who knows his ex partner from the past when they were still together.

I once asked her about her opinion about this ex as I had a lot of conflict going on with her... namely her bullying me and trying to get back with my DH.

I've been told that this ex was a bitch and that I had nothing to worry about her, as she was stupid and "not that pretty". OK.

A few months later - after I had a more normal relationship with this ex (only temporarily though) this same friend told me she never thought that the ex was a bitch, but that "other people" had told her so. And that she was actually really good fun to hang out with, and that ( I had told her that my DH and my friends find me a lot prettier than the ex) everyone who would tell me my DH's ex was not an attractive woman would be a liar... and some people might think I am more beautiful, others might think she is more beautiful than I am (ok, thanks for that!)... and then she tells me that this person really should have become a lawyer as she was a really smart woman (well, I don't think so, but hey)...

This ex in case really has a dubious character - she did some really nasty things in the past trying to hurt and to upset me, and a lot of people ignore this woman exactly for this reason. How can a "friend" of mine compare us two? As if we were the same type of person. Besides the ex has an emotional EQ of 13 or 14... and acts accordingly... I don't think this is a sign of smartness.

At first I really believed this friend and thought maybe my eye sight was not right, or my friends just wanted to be nice to me, or maybe I was just jealous!. But now I think bullocks, it is just not true! I start to think that this friend is either not a friend or she is somehow jealous of me... because she must know that complimenting this other woman must upset me to some degree. Would you keep contact with someone like that?

PearsinTears Wed 24-Jun-09 16:03:54

DH and the ex have a child together...that's why I am here.

Flibbertyjibbet Wed 24-Jun-09 16:10:14

Sounds like your friend is a nice mature person of independent thought who makes up her own mind about people and doesn't take sides.

I would keep contact with a friend like that.

PearsinTears Wed 24-Jun-09 16:14:19

Flibber... no, not exactly like that.

When I had a "bad" relationship with the ex, she told me the ex was a bitch... when it looked I had a "good" relationship with the ex she told me she had never thought so... don't think this is independent and mature. On the contrary.

I think independent and mature is " some people might think she is a bitch, but me - out of personal experience - did not think so. I actually appreciate the ex for that or that reason."...

She texto told me "bitch, stupid, immature, nuts, muppet, boring" as if it were here own thoughts.

PearsinTears Wed 24-Jun-09 16:14:54

unless you ment that ironcially? ;)

fleacircus Wed 24-Jun-09 16:20:04

Am I right that you asked your friend's opinion? And when she said the ex was stupid and unattractive you were happy. But now she says the ex is attractive and smart you are unhappy, and think your friend is jealous? Personally, I would stop asking her opinion. You already know what you want to think.

PearsinTears Wed 24-Jun-09 16:26:23

no, I asked her her real opinion and so did I with my other friends. I told them I had problems to see this other woman objectively and that I would like to understand her better.

And this is what I got as an answer.

Fleacircus, I don't think you read what I wrote. I am talking about a woman who has prooved in the past not being someone particularly nice... and me relying on a "friend" giving me her "honest" opinion ... and then a few months later turning around in her opinion. This is what my post is about, not me being jealous and wantimg my friends to reassure me.

And yes, I think I quite know already what I think about this "friend"... it is called OPPORTUNISM. And I don't think I will keep in touch with her...but I'd like to have some other people's opinion as well.

SpringBlossom Wed 24-Jun-09 16:36:49

I think you're way too focussed on who's prettiest / who's cleverst and setting so much store by this you've lost track of what's important - you're with DH and you should look to the future! Who cares what Person A thinks of Person B at whatever given time? Are you sure you're not pressing this friend all the time to give her opinion? I don't think she'd be able to win unless she told you the ex was a total rancid bitch 100% of the time and signed it in blood.

Chances are the ex is ok - somewhat pretty, somewhat clever and probably good to hang with now and then - much like the rest of us! I would stop focussing on her and get on with your life...

PearsinTears Wed 24-Jun-09 17:03:40

hey spring,

I hear you... no, I am not pressing this friend at all. I asked her once in the beginning. And then I told her that the ex and I had reconciliated (but it did not last) and then she comes back with the new version of the ex. I guess she did not want to be in an uncomfortable position... or maybe me telling the ex what she had told me about her.

I am thinking about this topic again because this same friend recently reproached me that she does not see my DH any longer (she was friends with him first) because of me as I am - in her eyes - a very possessive girl friend and she thinks he does not contact her b/c of me. This is just bullocks - I am not possessive in nature and he sees plenty of his friends and alone and even travels a lot alone... just not her, b/c he is not that fond of her. Back then he was single and he met her a lot for a beer or so... his priorities have also changed - he is in a stable relationship and he has a kid to raise...

I can also see her getting quite competitive at work with me now ( we work at the same company).

My concern here is not aobut if the ex is prettier or not - it was back then many months ago when this woman tried to destabilise me and I got insecure for some reason. But it is about this friend of mine... I start to think back now and just think it was not right what she was doing... and if I shouldn't stop confiding in her at all...well, I have done already.

sunshine13 Mon 29-Jun-09 08:38:18

If it were me, I wouldn't care what the ex was like or what she thought of me... or what she looked like... how pretty she was or even if she had bigger boobs than me! grin

I understand feelings of insecurity but he's with you now & i bet your DH doesnt care about who tittle tattles about his ex.

People will always have an opinion- they are entitled to that. Some people will have even liked the mad ex. If you dont want to hear their opinion then dont ask for it- you might not like the answer.

Carry on as before. Your OH clearly thinks that you're a better person (in ALL areas) than the mad ex.

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