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daughter and step-father..HELP

(8 Posts)
haven Fri 13-May-05 04:53:10

my ds and i have been together for about 5 1/2 years..i had a daughter from a previous relationship..she was 2 1/2 when we met..
PROBLEM:
when we met i didn't think we would be married later sooo i thought it appropriate to teach my baby to call my "friend" his name....now years later she still calls him by name..and we have a 2 year old..she is 8 by the way

we have problems also with "dad" because he isn't anywhere in her life really but she said she doesn't feel comfortable calling dh daddy...i am o.k. with that but at school she is uncomfortable telling people that dh is here stepfather because most of the children (in this school)have parents that are still married...i have her in couseling for the hurt she feels although she pretty much refuses to acknowledge that she is hurt...i want her to feel normal....my whole side of the family is step- or half - or not at all we all just always loved each other and called each other brother or sister or mom or dad...didn't matter much where they came from so i don't know how to relate to her..

it seems as though "dad" is used as a name not a label if that makes sense...because she thinks she gets some of her featurs from dh..

if you have good advice please feel free...i don't like seeing my lil girl soo sad...

Freckle Fri 13-May-05 05:07:03

Could you decide on another name for "daddy", such as Papa or Pops, or something? She might feel more comfortable using that and the children at school wouldn't necessarily pick up on the fact that he is her stepfather.

haven Fri 13-May-05 13:51:57

she use to say daddy shane, i tried to get her to think of other names, but that doesn't seem to work...

piffle Fri 13-May-05 14:09:48

my ds was 5 when we met dp, but ds had a strong relationship with his natural father.
Ds calls dp by his name and for us it seems appropriate, we have a dd together and she knows ds's daddy is called David and her Daddy is Daddy

I think whatever they grow up with they establish as normal to a degree, certainly a good idea to take seriously her issues about her hurt around her father though.
Has she expressed something she would be happier calling him, perhaps it is something they could do together - In my experience there is a quite a bit of humour to be made out of nicknames, it could lighten the whole situation up a little.
A lot of my ds's friend are really jealous that he has a step dad and another Dad elsewehere, he overplays the double presents at xmas and birthdays cards if anyone says anything.
Good luck, it seems like a minefield at times doesn't it, this integration of halfs and steps.
It has worked out well for us after a period of adjustment.

monkeynuts Fri 13-May-05 14:15:01

my eldest son is 7, my new son is 3 months, i too encouraged my eldest to call my husband by his name ( we aslo met when he was 2 1/2). He tells everyone that hes lucky because he has 2 dads, but dosent call my husband dad and i wish he would as he brought him up and not my ex husband. Its difficult isnt it? I feel that my husband deserves to be called dad as he IS his dad, not the mabn who picks him up for a couple of hours on a saturday but the man who gets up in the night with him and makes his bad dreams better. Im also worried about how confused by younger boy will be and when he hears my husband called by his name will he do the same.

haven Fri 13-May-05 15:39:37

it hurts my feeling too because dh has raised dd and has done everything for her...he thinks he deserves the "title" but no one wants to put that kind of pressure on an 8 year old....he get aggrevated when she brings up her daddy because it is like she sees him as a "god" although he doesn't even send a b-day card or a x-mas card or anything...nothing..no phone calls but maybe once a year and promises to call every week....
i don't know how to take the pressure away from both of them...my dd...it was my mistake to pick such a looser...not hers and she will pay with her heart until she comes to terms with it...last night was the first time since we started counseling that she cried...up until then she acted as if nothing mattered ( in front of the counseler )my heart hurt..
when i was little almost three my dad remarried and we were forced to call his new wife momma..i remember it sooo well, as she was NOT my mom...even though my mom was no where around...i understand to well guess that is why this is soo hard.
some friends of ours recently married...lady two dds from prior, and they made them call the new dh daddy,, they don't seem to mind, but i am curious

QueenEagle Fri 13-May-05 16:00:36

My dh is stepdad to my older 3 kids and we have 2 together. The older ones wen through a period of broken promises by their "birth dad" and now 7 years after we split he still doesn't acknowledge them not even cards at xmas or birthdays.

When my new dh started seeing me, my dd jokingly called him daddy when he came in one day. As she never saw her birth dad, I think she wanted someone to fill that role. The daddy name just stuck from then on. However my younger son at the time refused to call him dad which was ok by us as we didnt want to pressure any of them. When we married though, he said that he considered him dad now and has called him that ever since.

Your dd will hero worship the absent father for now. As she gets older and matures, she will see him for what he really is without any input from you. You have to sit on the fence and never get drawn into slagging your ex off in front of her. Your partner will get the reward and acknowledgment from your dd but not yet, it will come one day when she is much older.

squirrel3 Fri 13-May-05 16:44:46

Wise words from QueenEagle.

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