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Advice needed....

(9 Posts)
Katelyn Wed 10-Jun-09 13:45:23

I really need some friendly advice on this.

I am Step Parent to my Husbands daughter, 6 years old.

My Husband left her mother when she had just turned 3. We have since married and had our own Son, 10 months.

The wife is still very bitter and only JUST allowing the contact that the court ordered over a year ago. My Husband daughter was spoken to by a Cafcass officer and she told them, on two occasions she wanted to stay over at Daddys more. On the occasion that she was spoken to in front of Mum, she expressed a wish for contact at a 'contact centre' - if you asked her what a contact centre was at the time, she didnt know!! I say no more....

Anyway, my husband appears to be racked with guilt that he left. He knows that in terms of his relationship with his then wife, leaving was the best thing he ever did but he would hate for his daughter to feel that he left because of her.

Anyway, she now stays at our house every other week without fuss but the problem is, from the moment she walks through the door, to the moment she leaves the next day, my husband is at her beck and call. Whether it be, riding her bike, to colouring, to playing on the trampoline, to carrying her when she wants to be carried from the shops, to getting up at 5am with her if she wakes up and can't go back to bed!

Now, he leaves before 9am on a Saturday morning to pick her up and is not back til gone 11 normally, he is then gone for approx. 3 hours on Sunday dropping her home and like i say, when they're at ours, he doesnt sit down with me and our son for 5 minutes.

We eat childrens food when she is there because he doesnt want her to eat, chips, nuggets or fishfingers on her get the idea?

Anyway, my Sons Christening was organised for a Sunday when his daughter is not there because we are having friends/family back afterwards and I thought it would be rude for him to up sticks when we've guests. He has now decided he would quite like her there and so I have suggested that it would be lovely too and that we should pick her up as normal on the Saturday but ask her mum to collect her on Sunday - this is not an option as he doesnt want the Ex at our house - he cannot explain why.

Since he suggested her coming, he has already picked her dress etc etc ..

How do I deal with this situation? It's our Son's day and our family will be there to see us all. Surely, he can see that?

Of course, if she can be there then great but if it means him leaving half way through the day, when we have guests then surely it isnt an option?

I could go on and on....advice please. x

Katelyn Wed 10-Jun-09 14:03:21


babytinkabell Wed 10-Jun-09 18:34:14

Could your dh ask his ex to come part of the way to collect his dd? She doesn't have to actually come to the house but if there is a local shopping centre etc that they could meet in? That way your dh would only have to be gone for 20/30 mins as opposed to 3 hours.

piscesmoon Wed 10-Jun-09 19:30:18

I think that it is more than the christening that needs sorting out-your DS will soon be more than a baby and will notice things.

Your DSD is his sister and a normal part of the family to be treated the same.
I can see why he is doing it, but he has to stop and treat her normally.

I would sit down while you are both calm and explain how you feel and work out family rules. If this can't be done I would get outside help.
It isn't good for his DD to rule the roost the way she does-she is being treated like a little princess.

I would have a very serious talk about the christening and his DS being the centre of attention and that if his DD comes she is a special guest but she has to fit in and he can't be missing for most of the day.
If he doesn't want his ex involved couldn't he get another member of his family to be in charge of her and take her back-his parents would be ideal as they can't have had much time to bond as grandparents.

TheProvincialLady Wed 10-Jun-09 19:39:19

Did I read correctly that your son is being christened and his half sister is not invited because you have other guests? That can't be right surely?

2rebecca Wed 10-Jun-09 19:43:18

I can understand your husband's point of view. the baby will be too young to see what is going on and he will be there most of the day so I don't think taking his daughter home is that big a deal. Christenings aren't really a babies "day" they are too young to care. I think it's lovely he wants her there. My husband moans I do stuff with my son on the weekends he's here, but I am trying to cram 2 weekends attention into 1 weekend. I think things will settle down as he gets used to having her there, but he's probably still scared she may stop coming.
I've never made any of our kids have special kids meals with chicken nuggets etc. we all eat the same food together at the same time at weekends, so I agree with him there. That doesn't mean it has to be kids food, you just build up the spices gradually. I agree another relative could take your stepdaughter back, but maybe his ex wouldn't be happy and he's scared of rocking the boat.
I'd bear with it for a while.

Surfermum Wed 10-Jun-09 19:46:14

I agree, she needs to have one to one time and attention from her dad but also be part of the family. There's a balance to be struck here.

As for the Christening, I'm afraid I would have arranged it for a weekend when she was there. She is your ds's sister after all and part of the family.

But you haven't grin - could you ask to swap her weekends so it is a contact weekend? Then your dh could pick her up on Saturday and be around for all of the Christening day until he has to take home.

And I wouldn't worry about him being rude if he has to leave early to take her back. We've often had that in the past and everyone just understands that dh and I did whatever we had to do within whatever dsd's mum would agree to, to make sure that we got to see dsd, and that she was at family events.

mrsjammi Thu 11-Jun-09 09:51:06

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon Thu 11-Jun-09 13:51:36

I don't think that the problem is the christening which is only one day-it is the fact that the visits need to be sorted out so that dsd is a normal part of the family and not a special guest. She has to do things with all the family, eat what is presented and get corrected when she is in the wrong. DH is managing at the moment because his other DC is a baby and won't notice the preferential treatment of his sister, but he is soon getting to the stage where he will get resentful and jealous.
Ground rules need to be set and DH needs to realise that he can't always be 'Mr Nice Guy'-the role of the parent includes saying the unpopular. His DD will still love him.

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