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Have got sd staying this weekend for first time help

(19 Posts)
aaliyahsmum Tue 10-May-05 10:38:33

my dp dd is staying for the first time since i have moved in with dp and it has taken alot of work to get it this far but i feel my dd will be pushed out because i will have to give in to sd so she will come back or it will be all my fault if she dont come back.
But both kids are very bossy and very self opinionated and when we had a day out sd tryed to help dd across a small river and dd fell in and dd is not happy so i know it will kick off and also dp xw has asked that as sd is older would i send my dd to bed earlier so sd feels older and i cant see my dd going for that

fuzzywuzzy Tue 10-May-05 10:58:45

How old are the girls?? Could you not stick to your dd's normal bedtime and put your sd to bed at her normal bedtime. Sounds rather cheeky of your dp's xw to dictate how you bring up your own child.....

aaliyahsmum Tue 10-May-05 11:08:53

my dd is 41/2 and sd is 71/2. they both go to bed around the same time from what i can make out.I dont mind giving it a go but i know dd will kick up and if i tell her off it will make me feel guilty that dd is being pushed out,she is a mummys girl and very spoilt, where as sd is a daddys girl and very spoilt so i can see alot of arguing over the weekend and i dont think it is fair that rules should change my dd lives her full time so we should stick with what she is used to, i know sd has to get used to me and dd but i just feel that dp is going to make the weekend all about sd and forget about my dd who calls him daddy

fuzzywuzzy Tue 10-May-05 11:18:58

Have you discussed your fears with your dp?? Stick to the girls normal bedtime routine, but take your dd up to bed first once she's tucked in take up your sd?? Or both you and your dp can get both girls ready at the same time. Make it fun, not a big huge deal.
Hopefully an Mner with experience will come along with words of wisdom.

aaliyahsmum Tue 10-May-05 13:08:00

also how do you go about telling a child off that is not your own

squirrel3 Tue 10-May-05 14:30:19

Aaliyasmum, as far as telling off SD try to take a back seat for a little while until your SD gets used to you but don't be a pushover either if your SD is doing something that you don't like say something along the lines of, " Could you stop doing that please darling" then your DP should re-enforce that by agreeing with you, or you could take your DP aside, talk to him and when he says something to SD 'second' him to show your agreement.

Your SD needs to know that there are set 'rules' in your home, they maybe different to the rules she has at home, but after all there are rules at school, rules when they visit Grandparents etc, why shouldn't there be rules in your home?

Your home should feel like 'home' to your SD but she should respect your rules. You should discuss these 'rules' with your DP beforehand and present a 'united front' if the situation arises.

I know my SD tried to be sneaky and do things that she knew she wasn't allowed to do then if I said something she would say "Daddy said I could" and visa versa. So we had to really talk to each other about behaviour/things allowed/disallowed, and in the end DP said to SD (after her trying it on again) "Look we (DP and myself) do talk to each other you know, we know what you are doing".

AS for the x trying to tell you when to put your child to bed cheeky moo!!! You do what you think is right, do not allow the x to dictate your life.

I hope this helps, keep posting to let us know how you get on.

LooptheLoop Tue 10-May-05 19:00:03

Good luck - I'd plan it a bit like a military campaign. So many things to do that their feet don't hit the ground and they're too exhausted to argue!

Seriously I hope it goes well. I would ignore the ex wife's comment - she can make suggestions but there is no reason that you have to follow them. I agree that the key is you and DP presenting a united front and agreeing your approach upfront. Perhaps you could plan some fun activities together but also pencil in some time when DP and SD are alone together? It would also give you and your daughter some breathing space if tension is building up. In terms of discipline, could your DP initially front that up with his daughter? I'm not suggesting it as a long term approach but we did that when I first met my skids and it worked well. I then gradually got more directly involved and it seemed to minimise resentment. Fingers crossed for you.

aloha Tue 10-May-05 19:13:38

I would avoid doing any telling off - particularly so early in your relationship. I really think that is your dp's job (I am a stepmother btw).
I think you sound dreadfully negative - about everything! Try to think a bit more positively. There is no reason why these two girls can't get on. There is no reason why your daughter should feel 'pushed out' and you don't have to 'give in' to your stepdaughter so she will come back. Try to relax, and arrange some fun things for all of you to do. A picnic is always good (unless this horrible weather continues) or a trip somewhere. I don't think it is totally unreasonable to suggest that a four year old should go to bed slightly earlier than a seven year old either. Why not, as someone suggested, get your dd tucked up in bed at her normal time while your sd stays downstairs with her father. And yes you should talk it all over with your dp. This is his daughter, I'm sure he loves her very much and they are entitled to a relationship with each other. Try to look at this more positively!

beansprout Tue 10-May-05 19:39:08

Wise words from Aloha (as always!)
I would add that the most important thing here is that you and dp agree on whatever it is that you want to do. If you don't then arguments and disagreements can only follow. I agree that things need to be kept normal for your dd. Rule changes because your sd is here are likely to breed resentment. Might be a good idea for dp to have some time with his dd rather than try and spend the whole weekend as a happy family that hasn't quite come together just yet. These things take time. It does not all hinge on this weekend, much as it might feel like that at the moment. Take it as it comes and good luck. Let us know how you get on!?

aloha Tue 10-May-05 23:15:08

I think my previous post might have sounded a bit harsh. What I'm really saying is that negative thoughts often end up as self-fulfilling prophecies. If you assume everything will be bad, it often is. Why not arrange for your dp's daughter to go to the movies with her dad for part of the w/e. That often happens in our house (we have two more children). It's a really special time for dh and my stepdaughter. then all have a takeaway together to minimise stress and as a shared treat. If your dd is still thinking about the river incident I do think you need to emphasise that her 'sister' was very kindly trying to help her and it was an accident and we all have accidents.
Having an extended family can be a real bonus IMO.

aaliyahsmum Tue 10-May-05 23:57:12

i am going to be at work most of saturday and sunday morning so dp will have time with sd but my dd will be there too. i know i seem a bit negitive but i know my daughter and i know how she acts when she doesnt have all the attention. thanks for all your comments i hope it goes well she really is a lovely girl and i want her to feel comfortable here with us

aaliyahsmum Fri 13-May-05 16:19:40

She is on her way and i am cacking it, i dont know why she is only seven for petes sake.
I hope it goes ok, and she dont get frightened off by her new evil step mum lol

tarantula Fri 13-May-05 16:25:42

Hi aaliyahsmum jsut wanted to say good luck and Im sure youll have a lovely weekend.

squirrel3 Fri 13-May-05 16:42:16

Good luck Aaliyasmum, I hope it all goes well.

littlerach Fri 13-May-05 16:47:55

Don't worry, you van only do your best, though I do remember that feeling pf panic!!
You do need to get DP to back you up, it is vital that you are united. Is DD his daughter too?
Ignore BM, she is not there, this is your family time. If you aren't going to be there much then at least you won't have to deal with any upsets! Perhaps DD won't play up if it is the 3 of them, it is a new situatuion. Anyway, all families have disagreements, esp siblings, so it is quite normal.
Good luck and let us know how you get on.xx

Surfermum Sat 14-May-05 19:45:48

Hope the weekend goes well. Come and let us know how you got on.

aaliyahsmum Sat 14-May-05 20:04:57

here is the latest update. they are playing together nicely. we have had a few ups and more downs but it is mostly my dd craving all the attention, bm thanked me for looking after sd and she was going to stay with her grandparents tonight but asked if she could stay here bearing in mind he dad is at work i think i am doing ok.

Surfermum Sat 14-May-05 20:41:16

Sounds like a good start. So pleased it isn't as bad as you expected.

aaliyahsmum Wed 18-May-05 13:45:13

The weekend went great far better than i expected,she was very shy towards me and didnt speak to me about anything for a few hours then she kind of slowly opened up, i helped her with her phone and we played with her scoobie things,dd got on ok but i did feel a little sorry for her as she is used to having all the attention and i couldnt give it all to her, they bickered quite a bit but where ok, the played trampolines on my bed and broke it.it went so well she is coming to france with us in 2 weeks (if my passport gets back in time). and i can honestly say i am looking forward to it.her bm didnt seem to pleased it went so well but hey what can i say tough s**t ha ha. dp is well happy how i coped especially since we have only just got the bed,
being a step-mum rules

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