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I Give Up!

(24 Posts)
SadSam Tue 10-May-05 08:40:41

That's it, I give up. DP and I are not getting along at all anymore and I know it is all down to the stress of malicious BM, skids,wanting a baby of my own etc. etc. We can't even be civil to each other anymore and I know it's all to do with the huge row that we had last weekend. I know it was me over reacting, when things get me down I do get arsey, but DP is totally the opposite and buries his head in the sand and acts like nothings wrong. That just winds me up more and now I feel like I resent him for bringing all this crap into my life. I know deep down it's not his fault, but it's not mine either and I resent his "past life" because of what it is doing to our future. I did apologise for the other weekend (I walked out for a few hours), but it's been like walking on eggshells for both of us since. Every little thing he does now winds me up. He keeps cracking stupid jokes all the time and taking the p**s out of me but I just dont seem to have a sense of humour anymore. He then has a go at me and tells me to lighten up, but I can't help it, I don't feel like I have anything to lighten up for anymore. I can't plan anything as we are waiting to hear from BMs solicitor to see if she will agree the weekend we requested to have skids this month. I know she wont, she will deliberately pick the weekend we didn't request (bank holiday) just because she knows we don't like driving 200 miles on a bank holiday weekend!!!! AAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhh I give up!!!!!!! I really wish I could just go to sleep and wake up with a new totally uncomplicated life!!!! Selfish evil stepmother rears her ugly head again

squirrel3 Tue 10-May-05 08:55:52

{{{{{{{great big cyber hugs to you Sadsam}}}}}}}}

Alannah Tue 10-May-05 13:14:13

Hi Sadsam

I really feel for you as sometimes I feel alot like you describe. Your DP sounds like his coping skills aren't great but if he is teasing you, he probably is just trying to get you to cheer up a bit and that does imply that he feels affectionate towards you.

Is life really all that bad? I had a moan about my complicated life to a friend of mine recently. She has brought up a son by her self with no family support of financial support from the scumbag father. Anyway as I was telling her all my woes, she just turned around and said, 'yeh yeh, I know, but what can you do you just have to get on with it'. At first I thought that was a bit dismissive but actually I've come to realise that It's bloody good advice.

Yes your skids bm probably is trying to make things difficult, don't let her. Try to forget about his past life and concentrate on making your future a happy one. Smile be gracious, rise above her pettyness and you win! Good Luck

vicdubya Tue 10-May-05 13:39:25

Sadsam can;t you get a more fixed arrangement about the access weekend like the third weekend every month? OK so sometimes it will not suit you and sometimes it will not suit her, but at least you won;t have to argue over it and you will be able to make plans.

I have been where you are and sometimes it does frankly do your head in. But it does get easier as the kids get older IME. They start to be able to make their choices known and usually parental involvement slackens off a bit.

How old are they?

If you really love your dp you both need to do everything to stop this coming between you, you also need to sort out your issues about having your own child. This will not be helping things.

It took my dh 7 years to finally come round to the idea of having another child, during which time I got very depressed and moved out for 6 months.

Try to get it resolved if you can.

squirrel3 Tue 10-May-05 14:47:33

Oh Sam, I really don't know what to say to you apart from the two previous post are right, I know its really hard but try to do as Alannah has said and try to forget about his past life and concentrate on making your future a happy one. Smile be gracious, rise above BM's pettyness and you win!

I know easier said than done...

I really hope that your DP changes his mind about having a baby soon, you will make a wonderful mother.

Vicdubya is also right, as the children get older they have more of a say in what choices are made on their behalf and I'm sure that they want to see their Dad so they will be able 'voice' that and it will be taken notice of.

Thinking of you. x

littlerach Tue 10-May-05 15:22:48

It is so crappy isn't it? And like you said, it isn't directly your crap. Huge hugs to you, a definite arrangement would make it easier for all.

SadSam Tue 10-May-05 15:46:27

Thanks so much for all your messages Alannah, Vicdubya, Squirrel and Littlerach. It seems so petty when I read my messages back, but believe me this rant is 2/3 years of pent up frustration and anger. Alannah - BM is a total bitch, I know I shouldn't let her get me down, and to be honest I don't give a toss what she says about me or DP, it is what she is saying to the kids that gets me. She blatantly lies to them about us, telling them that Daddy doesn't want to see them anymore when SHE has cancelled his visits etc etc She has told her solicitor that DP doesn't visit often enough. He has NEVER EVER missed a month of seeing them since they split up! The lies that come out of her mouth are unbelieveable. All this coupled with her phoning up drunk (she has a severe drink problem) shouting abuse down the phone, threats etc. Her putting the children in harms way by getting with abusive alcoholic men who hit them (and her). DP has also recently been diagnosed with an illness that he will have for the rest of his life and he was very poorly for a few months, but that didn't stop her having a go at him constantly and turning the kids against him! Vicdubya - I wish it were that simple regarding access. Youngest skids are 8 and 6 and We live over 200 miles away from them so can only see them once a month due to the cost. On top of that DP normally works shifts (6 days on and 4 days off) running consecutively so his days off could be in the middle of the week (and obviously we cant take skids out of school). He also works lates and nights as well as earlies so its not like he works a 9-5 job Monday to Friday. At the moment, however, he is on light duties due to his illnes and so is working 5 days a week with weekends off, but that wont last indefinately. Everytime we do make arrangements to have them, we dread driving all that way only to be told that "she'd forgotten" and made other plans, therefore having a wasted journey!!! Everything is so much hassle, you try and talk to her and rationalise things but if she is sober she is nasty and hurls abuse and if she is drunk she is still nasty and hurls abuse. You try and make plans with her, but because of her drinking (or her awkwardness) she often forgets or denies that was what was agreed! With regards to skids making their own arrangements, she has seen that they dont at the moment. She is turning them against us and doesn't even like skids phoning DP. When he tries to phone, she just takes the phone, starts getting abusive and then says that the "kids are out" when he asks to speak to them. It really is a no win situation! Im hoping that our solicitor will be able to sort things out with her solicitor, but I know for a fact that she will contest anything we suggest, she always does. It has to be either her way or forget it!!!!!!!!!

squirrel3 Tue 10-May-05 15:53:19

Sam {{{hug}}}

I know it doesn't help really but {{{hugs}}}

I wish I could help

Alannah Tue 10-May-05 16:04:36

Oh dear Sadsam,
It does sound a bit of a mess. My situation is actually quite similar as DP's ex has gone mental and totally rejected the 16 year old boy (he lives with us), ignores the 17 year old daughter, and constantly tells the 13 year old daughter that her dad doesn't love her anymore (the 17yr old has told us) how could anyone do that to their own child?! However as they are older it is not so worrying as your situation. You have my sympathy,

squirrel3 Tue 10-May-05 16:15:04

Its not petty, you have (and are) putting up with so much crap.

I think that the time has come to hand it over to the courts to decide what is for the best. I know that is happening now and although its may cost a lot it may be the best thing. Could you ask about some kind of 'welfare' reports (Via probation service)to be done? They might be able to look at all aspects of the kids lives (life with BM in particular) it sounds like the kids are having a hard time too. I maybe talking crap but I seem to remember a friend going through the same process, ask the solicitor or the CAB. The courts now days do take into account what the kids themselves want, they will be able to have their say. Probably if welfare reports are to be made they will want to see the kids with their father and you to see how they relate to you both without BM's influence. They are trained professionals so they will be able to see what’s what!

You know if the court makes access arrangements via a court order and the BM refuses access she can be taken to a criminal court for disobeying a court order, she could be fined or even put it prison.

Good luck, let us know how you are getting on (I know you will), and please rant away when it gets too much!

SadSam Tue 10-May-05 16:20:16

Thank you all so much, you are such a wonderful help to me, and Squirrel, of course I will keep in touch - ill still keep me big knickers to hand!!!!

tarantula Tue 10-May-05 16:34:34

Hi Sam sorry to hear things arent going well and Bms being a PITA. Cant think of anything constructive to say but hiopefully the court will get it all sorted out once and for all. Take care of yourself and def keep the BIG KNICKERS to hand

SadSam Tue 10-May-05 20:40:02

Thanks so much Tarantula x

Surfermum Tue 10-May-05 21:24:24

I was going to suggest the Courts too. DH's x messed him around with contacts until he got a Court Order in his hand. She still argues over arrangements that aren't stated in the Court Order, like dates for holidays, but we try to sort it all our at the start of the year and get the arguments out of the way.

It sounds worrying that BM is drinking like she is. Are the skids at risk when she's drinking or is there someone sober there to look after them when she is?

SadSam Wed 11-May-05 07:57:20

Hi Surfermum. We had a letter from the solicitor yesterday, a copy of what he has written to BMs solicitor. Im hoping that she is going to agree to our terms, but I wont hold my breath as I know how difficult she is. If she messes about too much then we will have to take it to court to get an agreement. I dont really want to unless we really have to, especially as one solicitors consultation and a letter has already cost us over £400! Her drinking has always been an issue, but only since they split up. She was arrested and banned from driving for 3 years because of drink driving! I wish there were someone else there who was sober, although her mum is local but her dad is a heavy drinker too. All the boyfriends she "picks up" are alcoholics too as that is the kind of company she keeps. We have thought about reporting her, but you have to be able to prove it and sods law if we report her then she will be as sober as a judge on the day they go round. Its not all the time I dont think, but she does drink at home in the evenings quite regularly(DP has found empty vodka bottles in her bedroom) and she has sessions at weekends.

vicdubya Wed 11-May-05 20:52:16

Oh Sam I'm sorry your worries are not petty, I didn;t realise there was so much cr*p going on, step families are hard enough without additional problems like alcoholism.

I hope that you can get things sorted through the courts...what do the kids feel about her, do you know? If they had the choice do you think they would live with you? The older ones might, how old are they?

Caligula Wed 11-May-05 21:04:15

SadSam, how old are you? Do you have time to wait for DP to change his mind about you having a baby? Do you really want to stay with him? And if the BM is an alcohoic, shouldn't he be trying to get care and control? Would it make your life easier or more difficult if the kids lived with you? Would he be more or less likely to want another baby?

Sorry, it sounds like the inquistion with all those questions and it's a bit of an obsession of mine as a friend of mine stayed with someone for 11 years who didn't want a baby (she thought he'd eventually change his mind), they then split up about four years ago and she will be 40 next year and has not found anyone else. She's now facing the realisation that she may never have children and is devastated by it. I just always advise women who live with men who don't want children to force the issue sooner rather than later, because time runs out quicker than you think.

LooptheLoop Wed 11-May-05 21:45:11

Sadsam - sorry for coming to your post so late, but I definitely don't think your post was petty. I completely understand what you mean about living with such cr*p in your life and the frustration that you can't get away from it without leaving DP. My biggest frustration is the damaging effect BM has on our lives and my inability to manage this more effectively. It's just so maddening when you are trying to do the right thing as a SM for these kids yet their own Mum screws it up for them (as well as you). Hang in there, take deep breaths and don't make any decisions in haste IMHO. How about seeing a counsellor to work out strategies for dealing with BM and her antics - I'd normally be loath to do that myself but I think making relationships work with all the stresses of BM and skids is incredibly hard and the statistics on second marriages speak for themselves. We need all the support we can get! Sorry for being so long winded but just to send loads of hugs and energy. I know that feeling that you could just snap. But I'm sure your shoulders are broader than you think. xxx

SadSam Thu 12-May-05 15:31:58

Hi Caligula and Looptheloop. Thank you for your messages. Caligula - It's not that DP doesn't want another child, he does want one with me, its just that his ex makes life so difficult for us and with them living over 200 miles away he is worried that she will turn the kids totally against us. She is already turning them against us by saying that "daddy has too much love for Sam and not enough for you" etc. etc. and as they live with her full time they are believing her! I am 34 and would love a child tomorrow, DP too would like a baby with me. Hes just worried on the effect it/she will have on the kids. Yes I do want to stay with him, he is my life and we love each other so much. We have been through so much together the last year that we can now get through anything. As for care and control, a) as I said they are over 200 miles away and that would mean that they would lose their friends, other family, school etc. It would be a real upheavle for them, but it is something that we have talked about. However, BM is constantly telling us that "over her dead body" would we ever take the kids away from her! I would have no problem with them living with us if it came to it, but I am not sure they would be happy with us due to leaving everyone behind (BM doesnt drive so wouldn't even be able to visit meaning we would still have to travel so far each month for her to see them!).

Looptheloop - Thank you so much for your kind words, its very heartening to no that other people are in similar situations and still have the strength and generosity to help others with advice, sympathy and kindness x

joec Fri 13-May-05 11:38:28

hi sad sam.
been in a similar position to you and always felt like dp was putting his ex and their 2 kids before me and mine.
but to be honest he only really started to stand up to her when i got pregnant with our son.
he finally realised that even though he had kids with someone else he was allowed to have a life of his own...
he didnt have to feel guilty about being happy with sopmeone else and began to realise how manipulative and really horrible his ex was.
things turned quite nasty in the i have already said on another thread..
he hasnt seen his kids for 18 months now but that is down to his ex and not us.
hopefully when they grow up they will make the descion them selves to come and see him and find out his side of events and make their own minds up.
it is so hard to be stuck in the middle and so frustrating when you constantly argue with your dp over his ex and sk's.
you need to develop a seperate life for yourselves apart from his kids and ex.
you are both entitled to that after all.

joec Fri 13-May-05 11:46:56

reading your message again is like deja vu.
my dp's ex, would constantly tell the kids their dad didnt love thrm as much as he loved me and my kids.but he constantly reassured them that he loved them just as much as before and always would.
when we told them about the baby they were really excited and were really looking forward to when he would be born.
unfortunately they have never met him and he is nearly one. it is really sad because at the end of the day it is the kids who loose out .just because of one persons inability to let go of somethingthat isnt theirs to keep .
its not that they want their ex partners they just dont want anyone else to have them.and seem to believe that they arent allowed to have any kind of life away from them.
it is so stressful and unbelievably cruel on innocent children who end up living sad and quite lonely lives ..
there will never be a right time to have a baby...
you will always find reasons to put it off. but in a way you have both got to be a little selfish and put yourselves first for once.
you have both done nothing wrong.
he has every right to have a new life and a new child with you but that doesnt mean he is going to love his other kids any less.

SadSam Mon 16-May-05 08:14:47

Hi joec thanks so much for your kind messages. I does sound like we have been through very similar things, although you already had children, had a child DP which I am wishing I could do sooner rather than later and DP does not see his other children whereas my DP sees his once a month.

To be honest, the stress I have been through over the past few months has made me wonder if I really want a child of my own with DP or not. Im not sure if it would make things better. If his ex acts the way Im sure she will, then he will lose his children for good and it will just make me feel so guilty. I know he would love any other child that he had with me, be he is carrying so much guilt about being so far away from his other 2 children that I dont know how he would deal with it. His boy gets very jelous aswell, he is jelous of his younger sister and older brother and they are his genuine siblings who live with him.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I just don't want this complicated life anymore. I know that sounds so selfish of me, but I have spent all my life so far putting other people first and for once in my life I want to be put first and have a happy, uncomplicated life, is that too much to ask for?

joec Mon 16-May-05 12:49:45

no i dont think you sound selfish at all. we are all entitled to jave happiness in our lives.
unfortunately not all people think like that.
my dp doesnt see his kids any more but i know that every day he thinks about them and feels guilty .. but he himself says that it is because of his ex.we just hope that when they are old enough they will get in touch but we know that she will probably have turned them against their dad and they will always believe what she tells them .what amazes me is she has ended up with 2 kids on her own cause her 2nd marriage has broken up. with no support and no break from the kids . knowing her the way i do this is the last thing she can cope with !!!!!
i just dont understand why they act the way they do

SadSam Mon 16-May-05 13:35:41

They are totally irrational, it sounds like your BM has PAS (parental alienation syndrome). Tell your DP not to worry too much, in a few years time when the children are old enough to think for themselves, they will see what a wicked thing their mum has done and they will hate her for it. That is what our solicitor has told us. Try and get DP to send them things, comics, little presents, letters anything, but record dates they were sent and send them by recorded post. This is also something our solicitor suggested. In a few years time you will be able to show them what you tried to do, how you tried to keep in touch but their mum wouldnt let you. They will then realise how evil BM has been!

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