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Are you SUUUUURRRREEE you are going to be ok with it?

(20 Posts)
islandlassie Mon 08-Jun-09 11:14:45

I have already created a topic on my own situtation - and gave an overview (topic entitled How are you supposed to feel)

When i say to people DSS may come to live with us everyone looks at me funny and say are you sure you are going to be ok with it? Look at me sympathetically and ask me am i strong enough to deal with it all?

This child is in a home! What do people expect me to turn around and say; 'actually i do like my cosy life as it is, i will leave this child to rot in a home so as i can continue my cushy life?!' Cant i just be encouraged!? Don't people get it. THIS IS MY HUSBANDS SON!!! I love my husband, i would never deny him his son! AND i would NEVER deny a child the opportunity to better his life when i can so easily help.

I try never to lose my temper with people and haven't but i get so annoyed that people dont show support.

Rant rant rant!!!!

slightlycrumpled Mon 08-Jun-09 11:49:58

I think you sound lovely and very strong!

Your right what should you be doing? Do you have a close relationship with him already?

I actually really love my step children, and whilst that love has grown in the beginning it was because they were part of DH.

Surfermum Mon 08-Jun-09 12:41:07

Good for you. I got this too when dsd was seriously talking about coming to live with us. I joked about having to do 2 different school runs, never being able to get on the pc and having her live with us as she hit teenagedom <<scarey grin>>, but there was never any question in my mind that if that's what was best then I wouldn't oppose it.

I think it's not necessarily them not being supportive, more expressing how they may feel about it if they were in your shoes.
Unless you've been a step-parent it is very difficult to understand the emotions involved and I think some people find it very hard to understand the love for a stepchild. It isn't like any other love that I've experienced (ie for dh, for dd, for siblings and relations). It's unique I think.

BonsoirAnna Mon 08-Jun-09 12:43:09

I think that as a stepparent you need to always bear in mind that your stepchildren may at some point become full-time permanent residents in your home, whatever the current residence arrangements. And other people ought to understand and appreciate that too.

sunshine13 Thu 11-Jun-09 09:51:54

I have to agree with BoinsoiAnna.

I think that there are a lot of selfish people about, that's the problem.

I have had similar reactions fom people. I think it goes hand in hand with people who wouldnt date a man who has "excess baggage".
there are a lot of women out there like that, as I have discovered. Funnily enough, it is these same women who always have a word of advice for you.

I think in their wisdom they think that you could never love a step child as much as your own. they may have a point but the way I see it is you love your OH. Therefore by default, his child is going to mean more to you than just a mate's. Also, you would want to help and bring up that child for whatever is best for them.

Its very difficult sometimes to put others before yourself (and I know some mothers actually never manage this)

From my own POV i am already preparing for the fact that OH's little one will be living wwith us at some point.

I would hope that I would be a good influence on that little one.

mrsjammi Thu 11-Jun-09 10:06:23

Message withdrawn

LtEveDallas Thu 11-Jun-09 10:29:41

God Sunshine, both my mother and my sister used the 'baggage' term when they first met my DH - I'd only been seeing him a few months, but had met his DD many times (we were friends first) and they were both really against me 'taking on' his dd.

7 yrs down the line (and actually way before then) I get them both saying they think DSD would be better off living with me (and I really do mean me, rather than her own mother or father).

I suppose right at the very start I felt as if DSD may end up with us. She gets very little attention (lots of love, dont get me wrong, but no 'time') from her mother and my DH is just a grumpy old sod that seems unable to relate to her. We've always been 'mates' but she knows how far to push the envelope before I explode.

I'd be overjoyed if she came to live with us, and frankly in practical terms it would make things easier (plus my DD ADORES her and misses her so much). So that's how I deal with the comments, I'm very tongue in cheek and generally say something like "Well it's easier to have her here than to drive 4 hours every Sunday".....Idiots end up agreeing with me hmm and nice people look shocked until I laugh at them grin

sunshine13 Thu 11-Jun-09 10:31:19

I think that's the way it should be. That's the way I feel.

islandlassie Fri 12-Jun-09 09:13:52

Thank you all.

I have just learned to smile sweetly and say 'I would prefere him here where we can help and have a bit of difficulty than him rotting in a home and us spending all our time worrying anyway, hoping that he is ok'

That is true surfermum It is totally different to anything i have every felt for any other person. Not quite like my own child but totally different to a friends child!

Surfermum Fri 12-Jun-09 09:29:31

Baggage is an awful expression, especially when talking about a child sad.

islandlassie Fri 12-Jun-09 09:40:40

I know and yet i too have had the same term pushed on me many times, not even just about the kids but about DH. Hehem.... while i was already married to that 'baggage'!!!!!angry

sunshine13 Fri 12-Jun-09 12:35:54

lol.. I hate the term "baggage" too when it relates to a child. Makes them out to be some kind of burden.

In relation to our "baggage" I would prefer it if little one came to live with us as I think he would get a better level of up-bringing, but I will leave that rant for another time. grin

i hate it when I start talking to freinds about part of a situation or to vent myself and i get that pained, sympathetic look. angry

sunshine13 Tue 16-Jun-09 10:37:21

you know.. I think that is EXACTLTY what people mean when they say that to you. I suspect it's because they wouldn't do it themselves.

I dont always get the support I need from my freinds who don't have step children. It's why I find this site useful.

Whenever I need to talk I get one response that seems to answer everything. *"well, you're not his mother"* angry I seem to dig myself a hole when I try and explain that I have child already has one mother and that surely it'd good for child that he someone else that loves him?? By this point I normally get a blank face accompanied by *"I think you're getting too involved"*

islandlassie Wed 17-Jun-09 10:27:04

yeah thats the kind of gerneral response i get. How can i get too involved with a boy who's father i married????angry

sunshine13 Thu 18-Jun-09 11:44:03

Amen sister!

notevenamousie Thu 18-Jun-09 11:48:27

islandlassie - you cound like a star and I am sure this little boy will be hugely proud one day to have had you. If others can't see that, that is their loss.

islandlassie Thu 18-Jun-09 16:54:28

Thanks notevenamousie

(loving the name btwgrin)

piscesmoon Thu 18-Jun-09 17:18:58

Well done-take no notice of the selfish people.
Anyone who marries someone with a child has to bear in mind that the DC might live with them.
When I married my DH it was love me-love my child. My DH was very lucky to have him. Any step parent is very honoured that someone would entrust you with their child.

islandlassie Thu 18-Jun-09 19:52:27

Well put pisces!!

lostdad Fri 19-Jun-09 08:19:17

If I'd known what I know now, I would have skipped the ex and gone straight for the step mother thing...wink

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